To ask 23 year old to give his bedroom to step son?

[whitebutterfly3]

I have 2 dc with dh 10(boy) and 12(girl) and he has a son from a previous relationship (23) who always lived with his mum but we have always taken him out at the weekend.
His mum has a 2 bed house which he had a bedroom at and then she had a daughter with her current partner who slept in their room until dss moved out and rented with a partner, then they moved their dd into his old room, by this time she was 7.
The relationship didn't work out and was over in about 18 months but when he split from his girlfriend neither could afford to stay in the flat so dss asked if he could stay with us as his mum had given his old room to his sister now.

We agreed thinking it would be temporary but we didn't have a bedroom for him so put our ds and dd in together for the time being freeing the small room for dss.
Now dd is getting older and going through puberty she's resenting sharing with her brother, he also has SEN and they are constantly bickering and she clearly needs her own room as they don't get on at all.
dss has been back just over a year and is working so could afford to move out, dh thinks it's not fair as it's his room and not his fault the younger ones fight.
He also hasn't had the opportunity to live with his son before as his relationship with his mum broke shortly after Dss was born so is enjoying having him around.
I don't have any issues with Dss I have known him since he was small and love him to bits but I don't think there's room for him here and it's not working for me or our children.

Could you explain the situation to him and offer to help him pay rent in a shared house? 23 is still young and rents are so expensive.

No a house share is perfectly affordable, he works.

No one is demonsing him, you sound like you're projecting

In the OPs case, there isnt room, just like thre wasnt room for the poster you are replying to, whats the difference, why is it a spurious argument?

The spuriousness comes in because the poster’s mum would have had to give up her home to house her daughter. That isn’t the OP’s situation.

There has been some pretty unpleasant language towards him. The assumption being he’s caused the problem presumably. That isn’t the case. There is a family. There is a house. The family needs to work out how they best fit into the house.

If I’m projecting so are most of the posters on here who think the poor lad deserves to be made to feel at home by at least one of his parents. I meant Dad BTW before I get with the step parents are parents stick.

Plot twist: you’re his bank manager and letting agent?

@Problemzapper no legal age siblings can't share a room regardless of gender! It's only over crowding legislation and that consider the living rooms as acceptable alternatives.

Honestly, I don't know what world some people live in. I'm obviously unaware of the OPs financial situation, but they are clearly genuinely tight for space with an adult child they hadn't banked on still being with them.

People who say, 'Can't you build an extension?' or 'Can't you help pay his rent?' seem to be oblivious to the fact that an awful lot of us often don't have any money spare each month to help another adult out with their rent or living expenses. And we don't have the money or space to either build an extension or add a garden room.

At what point DO adults become responsible for themselves nowadays? Yes, it's nice if your parents have money/room to keep you - but 5 years after reaching adulthood should you not be assuming you need to be financially responsible for yourself?

I do think MN is full of upper m/c people on high earnings who have money to spare. For most of us we're pinched to pay our bills each month - never mind partially fund someone else's rent!

To ask 23 year old to give his bedroom to step son

Your title is misleading, you’re actually asking step-son to give his room to your son.

I hadn't spotted that.

Also to me it's not the 23 year olds room, one of his half-siblings was in there first and they were asked to share with the other sibling to allow him to move in

I think OP just made a mistake with the title

She is needing to ask for her sons room back. Not asking the step son to give up 'his' room because it wasnt his to start with.

This is a real dilemma OP but firstly I think you need to both treat all three kids as if all three kids are yours.
I appreciate when you bought the property you weren’t expecting to be accommodating 3 children ( I know one is now 23 ). but things change.
Can you convert the roof space,
Divide off the larger bedroom into two rooms.
Any plans of the house OP. I’ve noticed mumsnetters are very good at suggesting options when there are plans.

@whitebutterfly3 in your shoes I think there really are only 2 choices. Possibly 3 depending on size of bedrooms.

1. Ideally boys share and dd gets her own room. Irrespective of age and blood relations, while perfectly legal, it is not appropriate to have prepubescent boy and pubescent girl sharing. Particularly if there are perhaps social awareness issues present. It could cause a lot of problems in the long term.

1. DSS has a sofa bed in the lounge and space for his clothes etc. as an adult he is old enough to understand bedrooms are generally places for sleeping as an adult. He can have his gaming set up and watch films either downstairs or in your bedroom when you are not sleeping in it, avoiding the younger children being exposed to inappropriate scenes/language. At night he can do this downstairs but the sofa bed has to be away before he leaves for work in the morning. It's no different to him sofa surfing with friends.

Option 3 is one I don't know where you have considered. And only works if the master bedroom is bigger than the current shared bedroom.

As adults, if you really want DSS to feel he has his own space, you could give up your room and move your bed into the smaller one. Master bedrooms are generally slightly bigger and nearly always parents have those because 'adults'.

If the master bedroom is bigger, by moving to a smaller room, you create a space that can be more easily divided, even with temporary walls or clever use of furniture. Your son and daughter have half the room each, partitioned with wardrobe/shelving if you don't want to do a permanent structure. They get their own space and dss has the smallest bedroom.

I know how difficult it is to have sen children sharing. I have 4dc. 2 of each and 1 of each has Sen. I ended up putting a bunk bed in the middle of the room and assigning each child half a room as their own space. It works for same sex siblings but I wouldn't recommend for boy/girl sharing as there is still a total lack of privacy. Boobs, periods, erections etc. they're all difficult enough for young people to navigate, but when they don't have a private space to retreat to, it invites prying eyes and questions.

Could you split the largest bedroom (wardrobes could work) and have your son and stepson share. Then daughter gets the smallest room and the sons get privacy as well. Especially if step son gets the side nearest the door, he doesn't have to disturb the younger one when he comes up to bed. Move the gaming stuff/tv downstairs to the sitting room.

Otherwise call DIY SOS and see of they can help!

Maybe do a diagram

Mn love a diagram

Ans do a floor plan of upstairs and people may be able to advise better use to space

Put SS under the stairs like Harry Potter

The lads share.
The bedroom is for sleeping in so if he wants to play games or watch something he is to go downstairs and do that when the rest of you are upstairs. He can even sleep down there if he wants with the understanding when you get up for work and your other children get up for school he has to go upstairs and leave the living room looking like a living room and not a bomb site.

I think there is a difference between being dependent and being independent but needing some support. At 23 I was working full time as a teacher, living with my partner. I split up with him and returned to my Mum’s house as I couldn’t afford the rent by myself. I stayed for 2 years to save enough money to move out again, not only for a deposit but also furniture etc. Does this mean I was not responsible? I don’t think so I think it means I needed some help whilst I started again. Many parents accommodate their adult children coming home and now I have a son of my own I can’t imagine a time where he would ask to come back and I’d say no.

whilst I agree with you that those saying convert the house etc have no idea about OPs financial situation some have given good suggestions such as partitioning the room with an ikea storage system ( you can pick these up cheap secondhand). It’s not as simple as he just needs to move out if it was she would have already kicked him out!

Your DD needs her own room, without a doubt. The lads need to share. This isn’t ideal for anyone but it’s the only logical option. Your DH is being selfish and difficult not seeing this. Your DD needs her own space at this point, it isn’t appropriate for her to be sharing with her brother.

Edited to add: if stepson isn’t happy with this it may give him the push he needs to find a house share. 23 is hold enough to live away from home and in your case there just isn’t room to stay.

Yes, the 23year old moving out would be the easiest and quickest solution

or depending on the layout of your house could you create a room that becomes a bedroom for either you and your dh, or your stepson (friend converted her dining room to be their bedroom)split their old bedroom in 2 to create 2 rooms and this gave her 4 children separate bedrooms. Then she had a 5th child😂.

Or could you do a loft conversion to get another bedroom with an en-suite and you and dh move in there

What about a separate bedroom with shower room in the garden, or a caravan on the drive/parking area if you have one(or even a converted van/motorhome parked outside your house

Or move completely to get a bigger house.

There are many different ways of dealing with this depending on your budget.

I would sit down and look at the layout of your home including garden and outside areas. (If you end up building a room with an en-suite in the garden then after DS has moved out you could always use it as an Airbnb and any money spent on extensions would mean you would most likely get the money back plus more if and when you sell

I would talk through different plans with DS when you have discarded what wouldn’t work. You never know if you don’t talk to him that he could be making plans to move out at in the new year