To ask 23 year old to give his bedroom to step son?

[whitebutterfly3]

I have 2 dc with dh 10(boy) and 12(girl) and he has a son from a previous relationship (23) who always lived with his mum but we have always taken him out at the weekend.
His mum has a 2 bed house which he had a bedroom at and then she had a daughter with her current partner who slept in their room until dss moved out and rented with a partner, then they moved their dd into his old room, by this time she was 7.
The relationship didn't work out and was over in about 18 months but when he split from his girlfriend neither could afford to stay in the flat so dss asked if he could stay with us as his mum had given his old room to his sister now.

We agreed thinking it would be temporary but we didn't have a bedroom for him so put our ds and dd in together for the time being freeing the small room for dss.
Now dd is getting older and going through puberty she's resenting sharing with her brother, he also has SEN and they are constantly bickering and she clearly needs her own room as they don't get on at all.
dss has been back just over a year and is working so could afford to move out, dh thinks it's not fair as it's his room and not his fault the younger ones fight.
He also hasn't had the opportunity to live with his son before as his relationship with his mum broke shortly after Dss was born so is enjoying having him around.
I don't have any issues with Dss I have known him since he was small and love him to bits but I don't think there's room for him here and it's not working for me or our children.

What I would do in this situation is look for alternatives. I don't know your financial situation but is a loft conversion an option? I know people are saying he's 23 etc old enough to move out but your partner clearly cares alot about this and is looking to provide and enjoy some of the things he couldn't for his son when he was younger, so your partner will resent you for pushing him out and it will cause damage.

You have 3 options here

The first and cheapest would be either a sofa bed in the living room for the older son, this isn't at all ideal I know but it's a way to keep him under your room or you could help with the deposit on a flat and suggest this to your partner.

The more expensive option would be a loft conversion, As I say I don't know your situation I know we couldn't afford it for sure but maybe you can.

The last option would be dependant on the size of your biggest bedroom. You could move the 2 kids into the biggest bedroom and place ikea kallaxs right down the middle to separate the 2 kids and provide a little privacy and plenty of storage.

Whilst none of these options are great, your partner will appreciate greatly you looking at other options

DH shares with his 23yr old son and DD shares with you.

The only option is adult DSS moves out. Your DD needs her own room and your child shouldn't be sharing a room with an adult male as they are worlds apart in so many ways.

Your DSS could still come round lots of he finds somewhere nearby but it's not possible for him to stay.

Also If works take rent from him and save it up in an account for a house deposit or 6 months rent, but house deposit would be better being single and renting is a pretty expensive thing but flats to buy are more reasonable and there are shared ownership opportunities these days. That way there's an end in sight and he gets opportunities to do well in life at the same time.

He needs to move in with DS and be told no watching films in the room.

But he’s an adult, treat him as one. Once the younger kids are in bed, have a chat with him to sort out his plans. Point out that obviously dd needs her own room back now she’s hit puberty. Say you thought it was only a short term issue when he moved in and would have spelt it out this couldn’t last with the younger ones sharing a room once dd got to puberty.

so what are his long term plans? He needs to share with ds from this summer- and that will mean he can really only sleep in the room, not watch films /play games etc, that will have to be downstairs. If converting the loft/moving is going to be on the cards if this is a long term plan, then fine, but you would need to take rent to fund it.

the starting point to your dh has to be dd can not share with her brother once her periods have started. Your dh has to look at options that don’t involve her sharing a room with a boy.

Agree this is by far the best option. You really can’t have opposite sex teenagers sharing. You aren’t kicking him out that way either.

Yep, call your DH bluff with this

This makes me sad. He's only 23 and basically not wanted at either house. I know he's technically old enough to move out but he's still young.

Did he not stay when he was younger? I have stepchildren and they will always be welcome home. It might change once they're older but I'd always want them to feel they had somewhere to go if they needed it ( like my parents always did)

I don’t understand. Where did step-son stay when he was a teenager? Did you downsize?

did he really not have a bed in his father’s home?

it’s not unusual to need a year or two of living at home and saving like crazy after completing your education. His father has a responsibility to provide that if at all possible. Alternatively, he could help out with rent for his son to live elsewhere.

Sit DH and DSS down as the two other adulta in the house, and explain the issue that the kids can't share any more. Lay out options; plenty listed above from DSS and DS sharing (but no TV/ gaming in the room), use dining room, split the biggest room and move everyone, loft comversion but cost and mess etc. Let him say which he is happiest with, or if he'll come up with a moving out plan.

So he will have to give them up and come downstairs

Have you got a dining room or a second room downstairs you could turn into a bedroom?

23 year olds do not have the same options I had at 23 (20 years ago). Housing is just prohibitively expensive as well as the other cost of living rises that we read about on here all the time. Very few can afford to move out solo and have any standard of life

its easy to just say - make him move out. But I wonder how many of you would actually force your own child out of the house at that age.

Op just wondering (not accusing ) if dss was your own child what would you do in this instance ? Would you expect your oldest to move out to accommodate the younger ones. I ask because of your last comment in your post that this isn't working for you or your kids... but dss is also someone's kid.. your partners! Maybe instead of trying to push him out you can find an alternative space for him to have which is what I'm sure most parents do for their families as their kids grow up. Maybe a loft space or a spare room downstairs, even if dss contributes to any alterations (if they can be done of course) and if they can't maybe an out building, anything to show dss he has been considered.

Yep exactly this both parents have moved on with new partners and prioritise the kids in their new relationships. So nice to hear your comments about making your step children feel wanted. 💕

But he's not being forced out. He is being forced to give back the room he took temporarily from one of his siblings. No I would never throw a dc out but nor would I compromise my other children on favouring the adult child. He either needs to share with ds (and appreciate that he can't game late or watch adult movies in the room- he's an adult remember) or he needs to buy a pull out bed and sleep in the living room (and appreciate that he'd be subject to family routines and his sleep would have to come second). He is an adult and as such he should be the one to compromise in this situation as he has the most maturity and understanding. He should be able to sit down and discuss this with the other adults and the reasonable solutions as detailed above come to . (Although op has stated h can afford to move out. I'm not sure why pps are ignoring the facts as given and speculating upon difficulties and how unaffordable it is when we've been told otherwise) regardless, It should not be on the dd to have to go through puberty in a shared room when there is a room available where she could have privacy.

It really isn't an option for your DS and DD to continue sharing. It's entirely inappropriate as they go into puberty for them to have to share a room.

DSS needs to find somewhere to rent.

I know it is really really hard for young adults to move out and while it's hard for them it's also hard for adults at this time to make ends meet.
We can't afford to move house and don't have a dining room only a kitchen diner that can't be converted.
He's never lived with us full time before so it was never a consideration.
I also wouldn't want my children to have to move out when they turned 23 so I understand why dh doesn't want to turn him away when there's no room at what was his home with his mum.

We can't afford to help him financially at the moment or I would of course help and going back to his mums is not an option.

Why are people saying he’s too young to move out? He already moved out with his ex girlfriend. He’s not still at home as many young people are, he’s moved in, temporarily, into a home he never had a bedroom in. You can debate the morals of that but it’s irrelevant to the present situation.

I never had a bedroom at my dad’s house, I wouldn’t have considered being owed one in my 20s if I’d decided I’d like to stay for a bit.

The people who are claiming the 23 year old needs to move out are so far removed from real life that it's funny. There are no affordable places for anyone to rent by themselves, it's a struggle for couples. Just because op doesn't want him there anymore doesn't mean he will magically be able to rent somewhere by himself. And no, he doesn't need to go to a shared house, those places are a nightmare. I wouldn't want to live in one, neither would anyone posting here, so why should he?

I don't think 23 is ridiculous age to be at home, I would house mine then of course. I think you should make over and split the bedroom your kids share to give as much privacy as possible to each of them , curtains, room dividers or actual walls , or is your room big enough to split with a temporary wall? Even if not a separate doorway so readily reversible? So might have to walk through ? Then you move to 2nd biggest room? Might only be for another 6 months or so but I'd try that before kicking him out.

Room for a caravan in your garden??

Any chance Dss can just sleep on a sofa bed or camp bed/airbed (you can get proper air beds with headboards and everything) and you could set this up in the living room or anywhere else etc

You need to treat him the way you expect your biological children ti be treated when they are the same age. The boys CAN share a room but DSS needs to know your DS will go to be early and he may need to watch TV downstairs. Would you be having this discussion if he was your biological son? No . You would find a way to make it work

This!