To ask 23 year old to give his bedroom to step son?

[whitebutterfly3]

I have 2 dc with dh 10(boy) and 12(girl) and he has a son from a previous relationship (23) who always lived with his mum but we have always taken him out at the weekend.
His mum has a 2 bed house which he had a bedroom at and then she had a daughter with her current partner who slept in their room until dss moved out and rented with a partner, then they moved their dd into his old room, by this time she was 7.
The relationship didn't work out and was over in about 18 months but when he split from his girlfriend neither could afford to stay in the flat so dss asked if he could stay with us as his mum had given his old room to his sister now.

We agreed thinking it would be temporary but we didn't have a bedroom for him so put our ds and dd in together for the time being freeing the small room for dss.
Now dd is getting older and going through puberty she's resenting sharing with her brother, he also has SEN and they are constantly bickering and she clearly needs her own room as they don't get on at all.
dss has been back just over a year and is working so could afford to move out, dh thinks it's not fair as it's his room and not his fault the younger ones fight.
He also hasn't had the opportunity to live with his son before as his relationship with his mum broke shortly after Dss was born so is enjoying having him around.
I don't have any issues with Dss I have known him since he was small and love him to bits but I don't think there's room for him here and it's not working for me or our children.

Yes, I feel sorry for him. His dad chose to create a second family instead of focusing on him and helping him. Now he's unwanted by both parents and considered an interloper. Sad.

He is equally your responsibility as the younger two. It's a toss up between privacy for DD or DSS. As he is the older one and the potential for accusations I would say DD has to stay with DS. Can you get a caravan or do a dodgy loft conversion? What about partitioning the bigger room for DD and DS, DSS in the smallest room and you in the middle one.

I know you say you can't afford it but I think you are going to have to make it work.

Bloody good call! I second this!

You cannot have an adult male share a bedroom with a young child. Not appropriate.

You'll have to split yourself and DH if he insists on his son staying .
DH and DSS

Do you know something about DH the rest of us don’t?

This. I bet he'll be out quicker than you like.

bet most the people perpetuating this "throw him out, let him rent somewhere" are the ones with a few rental properties bought for pittance back in the day when housing was affordable!

There are a lot of regulations and planning needed if you are using it like this. Garden office, shed, garage fine - once it becomes a dwelling you will potentially need planning permission and maybe even an additional council tax charge.

Yeah there’s no real satisfactory solution to this because the issue was created when the man went on to create a new family when he didn’t really have capacity to accommodate them all and obviously there’s no going back on that now .

It’s like some adults, especially men, forget children are a lifelong responsibility especially in this day & age with high student loans and high rents and suppressed wages with the young hit the hardest. Especially young singles.

And can people please stop comparing living by themselves at age 18 back in 1999 and buying a house at 25 to today’s reality and drawing a false equivalence? It’s so tedious and downright smug.

Bunk beds for the lads.

It is what it is. That’s real family life. If he was your adult son you would be telling him not to sit up all night watching shit.

Very tricky OP. As others have said, if this truly is playing havoc for DD I think you need to consider what others have suggested that you move DD into your room and DH shares with DSS. If you are open to this I’d ask your DD first if this would actually be preferable to sharing with her brother. Flag that obviously you will have different bedtimes etc but if this is truly what she wants you’ll give it a go.
You should not kick DSS out but your DH needs to have a proper think about the practicalities of this and suck it up and share with DSS if this is the best way forward in the short term.

Expecting a single 23 year old to be able to afford rent in this day and age is a huge ask. Unfortunately the spiralling cost of living means many children are living with parents well into their 20’s, this is the new normal. I feel sorry for your step son, as previous posters have said it very much feels like his biological parents have moved on and he is a now without a secure home base to return to. 23 is still very young, and some day your own DD and DS will be this age. I can imagine it’s tough, but do try and accommodate him for his sake as well as your husband. Also worth noting, if he moves out now and rents alone at this age, he is likely saying goodbye to the chance of every saving for a deposit and owning a property - if that is something you would like for him to achieve in the future.

We’re looking at a garden office atm and the smallest one is £15k so pretty pricey

I feel very sorry for dss, he doesn’t have a home with anyone.

Even though you’ve said sharing with your DS isn’t an option it’s a nicer way of getting him to move out on his own rather than chucking him out. Set a deadline of by the end of the school year the boys will have to share as DD needs her own room as recommended by the NSPCC. Tell your DSS that he won’t be able to stay up late in his room or watch anything inappropriate for DS. Your DSS will probably make plans to move out but at least that way he doesn’t feel unwanted as at least he’ll know you’ve tried to make it work. If this is a totally no no then he will have to share with DH and you share with DD.

This.

The housing market is so difficult for young people these days. All the young adults I know still live at home.

It's not his fault both his parents went to have further children without considering the housing needs of their existing one. Not great parenting is it.

@whitebutterfly3 I am feeling queasy and somewhat revolted at suggestions that your DSS and DS sharing a room is some kind of safeguarding risk as DSS is a grown man.

I have younger half-siblings myself and would never be a risk to them. They don’t feel any different to full-siblings. Even using those terms makes me feel guilty tbh.

Unless there are other issues which make your DSS dangerous, you’d have no worries with the two boys sharing.

Friends of ours who became a large blended family, got a modern gypsy caravan for the eldest boy (late teens) for the garden - he was thrilled with it. I think it was about 6-7K preCovid. Electricity but no plumbing. But you need a big enough garden!

Your younger children continuing to share is obviously not an option. Therefore the only alternatives left are that the two boys share or you convert the sitting room. Ask your husband which he prefers.

It’s really hard for youngsters to find a place of their own these days and I wouldn’t be asking my 23year old to move out.

No - thats the point, he will have to have lights out and quiet at the time that DS goes to sleep

This, and DSS wears headphones, uses a tablet/his phone to watch his stuff, and no co-op headset gaming after Ds bedtime.

Problem solved.

Sorry OP but, in my opinion, it’s not enough for your husband just to say it’s not fair for his older son to give up his room. He needs to understand the needs of all three of his children and work with you for a solution.

It’s not appropriate for a girl of 12 to share with either of her brothers. If your husband thinks it’s OK then you need to point him to https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/sharing-a-bedroom/ ‘children of the opposite sex over the age of 10 should not share rooms’.

All three of the offspring are his so he needs to be fully engaged, with you, in resolving the situation, not handing it over to you to resolve on your own. This situation is not your sole responsibility.

Does his older son’s desire to watch stuff online/TV and do gaming trump his younger son’s need for quiet? I understand the older son’s problems but, as an adult, he should also be mindful of his siblings’ needs. As an adult maybe he should be brought into the discussions to find a resolution ? One day he might have a 12 year old daughter who needs her own space.

Even if he is not in a position to find his own accommodation, he is 23, has experience of living outside a family home, and should be able to help with problem solving.

This is a father and son relationship where the father couldn’t be bothered to house the son as a minor. Even part-time, the child should have had a place in his father’s home. Letting him live there now is hopefully repairing some of that damage. Asking him to leave is going to make it worse.

I'd move DD into the small bedroom, then look at dividing the room for the boys. Either with a room divider or heavy curtain, and make a quiet space for the youngest. Either set up a gaming space downstairs or he games with headphones

Any change of making room? A converted garage , a summer house in garden , a room divided ? I understand you conundrums as I would hate if any of my step children felt unwanted .