To ask 23 year old to give his bedroom to step son?

[whitebutterfly3]

I have 2 dc with dh 10(boy) and 12(girl) and he has a son from a previous relationship (23) who always lived with his mum but we have always taken him out at the weekend.
His mum has a 2 bed house which he had a bedroom at and then she had a daughter with her current partner who slept in their room until dss moved out and rented with a partner, then they moved their dd into his old room, by this time she was 7.
The relationship didn't work out and was over in about 18 months but when he split from his girlfriend neither could afford to stay in the flat so dss asked if he could stay with us as his mum had given his old room to his sister now.

We agreed thinking it would be temporary but we didn't have a bedroom for him so put our ds and dd in together for the time being freeing the small room for dss.
Now dd is getting older and going through puberty she's resenting sharing with her brother, he also has SEN and they are constantly bickering and she clearly needs her own room as they don't get on at all.
dss has been back just over a year and is working so could afford to move out, dh thinks it's not fair as it's his room and not his fault the younger ones fight.
He also hasn't had the opportunity to live with his son before as his relationship with his mum broke shortly after Dss was born so is enjoying having him around.
I don't have any issues with Dss I have known him since he was small and love him to bits but I don't think there's room for him here and it's not working for me or our children.

If you’ve got a kitchen diner can you make the living room into your bedroom ?

Depending on where you live in the country it is very very normal for 22 year olds to live at home. Costs are astronomical. Something like 2/5 30 year old men live at home in the south east.

I feel sorry for him. No room at mums and now not and dads.

It's not your fault. It's a really tricky situation.

I think he and ds need to share and he needs to game in another room or at least not when ds is in bed

Which would create a 5-person household with no lounge?

Yes many agree. But what is the solution? 12 year old girl needs her own room

DSS is an adult, DS is a child. It is completely inappropriate for them to share a bedroom.

DSS is an adult, DH is an adult. They can share a bedroom.

This. DSS is an adult and should be part of the discussion. The adults decide.
DD does need her own room. If everyone wants separate rooms then a living room will need to be converted or space found elsewhere (garage, shed, caravan, cupboard under the stairs 😉).

I do not think DSS should be asked to leave. But compromises will have to be made. I think splitting a room or a sofa bed in the living room has to be a good option, and then maybe some space outside as a games room if achievable.

Poor show all round. None of his parents can accommodate him.

House shares aren’t plentiful, cheap or fun.

I really feel for the DSS, I can’t imagine asking my youngest DS who is 23 to move out.
I think I’d try some sort of partition/stud wall/bedroom swapping if your room is bigger.

Absolutely hilarious those saying an adult working full time couldn't possibly move out into a house share, too expensive - but OP should be able to scrape together a cool £20k or so to convert the loft or garage?! Don't you think if they could afford that they'd probably help the step son out?

What happens in a year when he moves out with a different girlfriend and they've got a mountain of debt and no other full time working adults to contribute to it?

There's nothing wrong with multigenerational living. This notion that every young person is better off throwing away money on rent is so pernicious

Whoever posted this as so far missed the point. There's nothing wrong with generational living, when there is space to do it. There is not space to do it here. And the adult who has previously moved out should be looking for a place, not playing "I'm alright, Jack" because they got the bedroom to themselves.

Does he do chores, cook proper meals and pays rent/at least saves a large chunk of his income?

If he gets used to meals and “made service” being provided, having a large amount of disposable income and spends his free time playing video games, then I’m just wondering how likely any relationship living with a partner is going to survive long term. If you end up finding a solution for him to stay you need to make sure he learns these skills. Not many women will want to put up with a man in his late 20s or early 30s who doesn’t know how to cook, which washing machine setting to use or how to budget for bills etc. If he lived alone or in a shared house he would be forced to learn at least some of these but living with parents he might not.

If I were DD I'd be having a chat with the safeguarding lead at school. It's a disgrace expecting a pubescent girl to share with a tween boy.

Why is it inappropriate for a 23-year-old to share a room with his younger brother?

Where I live there are very few options for rent and house shares seem to be a thing of the past

I think him and DS will need to share a room. He needs to know it's because his younger sister needs a female space.

Also that there will need to be rules for sharing with his brother

This. My home will always be my children's home.. things happen even as adults and they will always have a home here they want/need one. The two boys share, best solution.

Between his parents , step parents and himself you should be able to scrape up enough money to make a garden room/office in your garden or hire/ buy a caravan to put on your parking area (if you have one) for 23 year old. You are over crowded at present time - bad for the growing children's development. Better no more children.

On these threads it’s always a step children that need to move out/move rooms/not go on the holiday/treat/be in the family home less.

It’s just a suggestion . A kitchen diner if its not tiny could be a family room and a lounge if not tiny could have a bed on one side and also maybe a sofa and tv. Storage is the key and not having too much stuff. It wouldn’t be forever anyway , adult kids do eventually move out.

so, what advice are you seeking from mn? divorce your dh maybe? you are clearly aware this is a battle between you and your dh and there's nothing mn can do for your situation.

I think it’s very harsh to kick him out. Would you be asking him to leave if he was your child or yours & dh’s? Most 23 year olds I know still live with their parent/s. As for all those horrified that a 10 year old is sharing with a 12 year old, the recommendation is that mix sexes don’t share after 10 but the reality is completely different. if it was council housing you’d probably still be on a waiting list for a bigger property at them ages.

Is there no way you can rejig the house to accommodate all? Dining room or other downstairs room be turned in to a bedroom or can you divide the younger children’s room in two?

I would not have taken my children out of their room in the first place
He needs to move on, you've made him to comfortable, if you'd have made him sleep on the sofa, he'd have probably been gone by now

I agree but it’s equally the fault of the stepson’s mum who went on to have another child and now has no room at her house for her first child.

Your poor daughter. She needs her own space.

True! I don’t disagree with that.

Not ideal but I think your only solution is:
Youngest son in smallest room
Mum and daughter share
Dad and oldest son share

Until someone/all of you are in a position to move or or convert another space.
If you have a floorplan to share someone might have an idea you haven't thought about.

Well that's marvellous news if the OP lives within half a mile of your house.