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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask 23 year old to give his bedroom to step son?

244 replies

whitebutterfly3 · 13/05/2024 16:43

I have 2 dc with dh 10(boy) and 12(girl) and he has a son from a previous relationship (23) who always lived with his mum but we have always taken him out at the weekend.
His mum has a 2 bed house which he had a bedroom at and then she had a daughter with her current partner who slept in their room until dss moved out and rented with a partner, then they moved their dd into his old room, by this time she was 7.
The relationship didn't work out and was over in about 18 months but when he split from his girlfriend neither could afford to stay in the flat so dss asked if he could stay with us as his mum had given his old room to his sister now.

We agreed thinking it would be temporary but we didn't have a bedroom for him so put our ds and dd in together for the time being freeing the small room for dss.
Now dd is getting older and going through puberty she's resenting sharing with her brother, he also has SEN and they are constantly bickering and she clearly needs her own room as they don't get on at all.
dss has been back just over a year and is working so could afford to move out, dh thinks it's not fair as it's his room and not his fault the younger ones fight.
He also hasn't had the opportunity to live with his son before as his relationship with his mum broke shortly after Dss was born so is enjoying having him around.
I don't have any issues with Dss I have known him since he was small and love him to bits but I don't think there's room for him here and it's not working for me or our children.

OP posts:
napping345 · 13/05/2024 23:27

I have a 23 year old and no way would I be kicking him out. I'd find some sort of solution. Even if it was a caravan in the back yard. Is there anywhere you can curtain off a space for him? Cut a living room in half? It might not be the ideal and most comfortable solution, but it's a solution to everyone having their own space. If you really can't find a solution, then I'd be telling DH we need to move to a bigger home. Son working full time can pay rent to help fund it (but make sure you can carry it if he moves out and that rent disappears).

DS23 can not play inappropriate games or watch inappropriate movies if he doesn't have privacy for it.

Codlingmoths · 13/05/2024 23:28

DSS needs to not watch or play anything inappropriate in his room and share with ds, or you move in with dd and dh move in with ds. I’d offer those two options to Dh and see which he said. If he did head in sand we can’t do that, I’d move him out of our bedroom and dd in. She’s 12.

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 13/05/2024 23:36

It says something about our male-centred society that a pre-teen girl has to give up her privacy and dignity, but an adult male can't be asked to watch his preferred films and games in a slightly less comfortable place or timeframe for him.

caringcarer · 13/05/2024 23:36

BurnerName1 · 13/05/2024 16:48

This. This will also likely encourage your stepson to move out.

Show quote history

This. DSS will probably not like sharing with a 10 year old and will probably look to move out. Point out he is still welcome to come around some evenings and to share a meal etc.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/05/2024 23:36

Absolutely Dd needs her own room. She shouldn’t be sharing with her brother.

Some options seem to be -

  1. the living room becomes a bedroom for DSS, or he has a sofa bed in there that can convert it from a living room to a bedroom at night.

2.You and your dh take the living room, giving one of the kids your room.

3.DH shares with his eldest and you share with Dd, giving Ds his own room.

The answer definitely isn’t for a 12 yo girl to be sharing with her 10 yo brother

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/05/2024 23:38

I’m actually not keen on the DS and DSS share idea - it’s maybe better than what you’ve got but I wouldn’t want my 10 yo son sharing with an adult male, even if they were his brother (but a brother who he hasn’t grown up with).

StormingNorman · 13/05/2024 23:49

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/05/2024 23:38

I’m actually not keen on the DS and DSS share idea - it’s maybe better than what you’ve got but I wouldn’t want my 10 yo son sharing with an adult male, even if they were his brother (but a brother who he hasn’t grown up with).

Why?

StormingNorman · 13/05/2024 23:59

YorkNew · 13/05/2024 22:31

On these threads it’s always a step children that need to move out/move rooms/not go on the holiday/treat/be in the family home less.

I’m sensitive to the anti-SC narrative too, but I think in this case there are three siblings living together and the girl needs to be given her own space. I wouldn’t have wanted to get to grips with periods and bras while sharing a room with my brother (or sister tbh). This means the boys need to share. Mum/SM sounds like she is considering all the children and DH to make the family unit work ❤️

Delphinium20 · 13/05/2024 23:59

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 13/05/2024 23:36

It says something about our male-centred society that a pre-teen girl has to give up her privacy and dignity, but an adult male can't be asked to watch his preferred films and games in a slightly less comfortable place or timeframe for him.

THIS!!!

Nicole1111 · 14/05/2024 00:18

Ask him if he wants to share with his dad or his younger sibling (on the understanding that as he’s sharing with a child, their needs will always trump his). You will likely find him on spare room before long, looking for a room to rent.

Rockthecasbah1 · 14/05/2024 00:20

With rental costs these days can dss even afford to move out?

whynotwhatknot · 14/05/2024 00:37

got to be a compromise-your dh an dss have to realise a girl of her age neesd privacy

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 14/05/2024 10:24

whitebutterfly3 · 13/05/2024 17:05

Ds and dss sharing isn't an option as dss is a grown man and ds is very young for his age and dss is up until late and the games he plays and films he watches are inappropriate.

This is a reality for many families. He will have to game and watch inappropriate films somewhere else. As a parent you will wait to do these activities when your kids have gone to bed. He lives in a house with young children and will need to accommodate that.

Is a garden bedroom an option? Like an office pod?

Do you own your own home? Realistically either you all move house with your DSS in tow or he needs to find appropriate accommodation.

jannier · 14/05/2024 11:26

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/05/2024 23:38

I’m actually not keen on the DS and DSS share idea - it’s maybe better than what you’ve got but I wouldn’t want my 10 yo son sharing with an adult male, even if they were his brother (but a brother who he hasn’t grown up with).

Oh god here we go

VickyEadieofThigh · 14/05/2024 11:30

Blueeyes13 · 13/05/2024 16:47

12 year old girl needs her own room. I'm sure it's recommended to separate children of different sexes by age 10. Either stepson will have to share with 10 year old boy (not great) or move out.

THIS. It's awful to be a girl going through (and beyond) puberty and having to share with a brother. I had this experience until I was 16 (shared with 3 years older brother until I was 9, then he had to sleep on sofa bed downstairs and I had 9 years younger brother in with me) and we finally got a house with an extra bedroom for me to have my own.

My younger brother has two daughters (now 23 and 18) and I've talked to him about how awful having no privacy was - he totally gets it because of having his own girls.

vanillaclouds · 14/05/2024 16:08

Do you own your own home? Realistically either you all move house with your DSS in tow or he needs to find appropriate accommodation.

Why would anyone move house to accommodate a temporary adult who has asked if he can stay for while, he wasn't invited to move in permanently it said he came to stay for a while after a break up.
Up sticks and moving house is a tad extreme given that this wasn't planned and op has pretty much had this put on her out of the blue.
Suppose they move house and he moves out a month later?

fluffyjacketpotato · 14/05/2024 16:21

So his mum had full custody of him in a 2 bed house and then had a daughter with the expectation she would have his room when he moved out?
If she is 7 he was 16 when this plan was put in place and as soon as he moved in with his gf his room was given to the next in line.
You also have no room as you haven't had to accommodate him due to him living at mums?
Why is this all on you now then what's his mum doing to accommodate both her dc? bearing in mind that's been his bedroom for his entire childhood perhaps his mum and her daughter should share a room in their 2 bed house and he share with his mums partner as she seems to be the one that's has caused him to be on the verge of homelessness and now passed that problem onto you.
I wouldn't want to sleep in a separate room to my husband and clearly nor does his mum so I don't see why it's down to you to do the sacrificing. Surely his mum also has a lounge or dining room too.

Mummy2024 · 14/05/2024 16:42

The thing is if he couldn't afford the flat without his gf then he won't be able to now either. He can either present as homeless to the council and be placed in temporary housing and be at the top of the housing register for affordable housing or get a house share but your partner won't be very happy at all which I can understand. I can understand your point to though tbh. We faced a similar situation tbh but a relative stepped up and helped out in the end

crumbpet · 14/05/2024 16:44

Blueeyes13 · 13/05/2024 17:12

In that case, DH should share with DSS 😂 and you can share with DD. DS would have have own room. Only alternative until DSS moves out

Show quote history

This. Until DH sorts it and either buys you a bigger house or chucks him out

Purplebunnie · 14/05/2024 16:50

But it's not the 23 year olds bedroom though is it? It belonged to either your DD or DS who moved in with their sibling on what was to be a temporary basis.

Do you have a dining room or can you convert a loft or garage that would also add to the value of your property as well as giving DSS his own room

Thursdaygirl · 14/05/2024 17:40

Why is this all on you now then what's his mum doing to accommodate both her dc? bearing in mind that's been his bedroom for his entire childhood perhaps his mum and her daughter should share a room in their 2 bed house and he share with his mums partner as she seems to be the one that's has caused him to be on the verge of homelessness and now passed that problem onto you.
I wouldn't want to sleep in a separate room to my husband and clearly nor does his mum so I don't see why it's down to you to do the sacrificing. Surely his mum also has a lounge or dining room too.

Very good point - this is also his mother’s problem

OrlandointheWilderness · 14/05/2024 17:59

What size are the rooms in your house OP?
Would also echo the PP who asked when his mum is doing about it...

Sharptonguedwoman · 14/05/2024 18:35

Ok, can you partition the shared bedroom? Even on a temporary basis? Can you help DSS into a flat share? Can you extend into the roof or a cabin in the garden?
can you divide the master bedroom and move into the smaller one? I’m stepping away from emotion here and looking at simple practicalities.

CestLaVie123 · 14/05/2024 18:42

Put your young DS in with you in your room; DD gets her own room.
Not ideal, but DD needs to not share with a male sibling. And you and DH are not willing to male any other changes

Grammarnut · 14/05/2024 18:56

DD is too old to be sharing with her brother, even if he is younger. You all seem to have forgotten that DSS is a member of the family too, and needs your support. My DS came home after his divorce and lived with us for 2 years before he managed to sort himself out and get divorced (had to go for 2 year option as there is no longer legal aid to help with divorce). Put your DS in with his half-brother, in the larger room and give DD the smaller room. Then either think about extending or moving somewhere bigger - what was anyone thinking of by not doing this earlier? You have 3 DCs, one part-time, and DSS's DM has two. No-one has made provision for this young man and how his DHS managed to share a bedroom with her parents until she was 7 eludes me.

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