To ask 23 year old to give his bedroom to step son?

[whitebutterfly3]

I have 2 dc with dh 10(boy) and 12(girl) and he has a son from a previous relationship (23) who always lived with his mum but we have always taken him out at the weekend.
His mum has a 2 bed house which he had a bedroom at and then she had a daughter with her current partner who slept in their room until dss moved out and rented with a partner, then they moved their dd into his old room, by this time she was 7.
The relationship didn't work out and was over in about 18 months but when he split from his girlfriend neither could afford to stay in the flat so dss asked if he could stay with us as his mum had given his old room to his sister now.

We agreed thinking it would be temporary but we didn't have a bedroom for him so put our ds and dd in together for the time being freeing the small room for dss.
Now dd is getting older and going through puberty she's resenting sharing with her brother, he also has SEN and they are constantly bickering and she clearly needs her own room as they don't get on at all.
dss has been back just over a year and is working so could afford to move out, dh thinks it's not fair as it's his room and not his fault the younger ones fight.
He also hasn't had the opportunity to live with his son before as his relationship with his mum broke shortly after Dss was born so is enjoying having him around.
I don't have any issues with Dss I have known him since he was small and love him to bits but I don't think there's room for him here and it's not working for me or our children.

He's 23. He shouldn't be living with parents at that age - he needs to find a shared house or similar and stand on his own two feet!

Don't phrase it as needing the room for the others, though, as he will then feel resentful, but do give him a set time to find a new place.

12 year old girl needs her own room. I'm sure it's recommended to separate children of different sexes by age 10. Either stepson will have to share with 10 year old boy (not great) or move out.

The two lads share and your daughter gets her own room.

Are you asking him to give up his room or move out of the house completely?

This. This will also likely encourage your stepson to move out.

I’d start charging him rent at the very least and hold it in a savings account for him as a deposit or and money he can have back when he moves out. He’s never going to choose to move out whilst he has so much disposable income.

Seems like the most reasonable option.

As PP put him in one room with his brother in bunk beds. That should see him out fairly sharpish. He's 23, it's time for him to fly.

This is the only solution until the step son moves out,

So it was fine for your dd / ds to give up their room for him, but not fine the other way around? Your dh is talking shit- by the same argument "it's not his fault they fight! It's HIS room" well, no it's not. It was ds/ dds room! It wasn't their fault his girlfriend and mother chucked him out! Ffs.

I'd be unequivocally saying that my daughter needs her own room now as she approaches puberty. Entirely inappropriate to have her share with her brother whilst there is another option. If he stays then he should share with his brother- maintaining single sex shared rooms is more appropriate . Although the best answer of course is the adult moves into a home where there's room for him (and which you say he can afford)

Agree that he needs to move out but it might be prohibitively expensive. Can you or dh help with the cost? Yes I know ideally he would be able to fend for himself but the rental market is brutal

Ds and dss sharing isn't an option as dss is a grown man and ds is very young for his age and dss is up until late and the games he plays and films he watches are inappropriate.

To be honest, I don't think you have much choice here. Stepson is going to have to find somewhere else to live, isn't he? There doesn't appear to be another option. And, if he can afford to move out and be independent, it's a bonus.

Your Dd absolutely should not be sharing with her brother.

Tell DH you need to re purpose the dining room as a bedroom. Or move. That might focus his mind.

It is really hard for young people finding a place to live independently these days.

buying a bigger house that would accompany your needs.

In that case, DH should share with DSS 😂 and you can share with DD. DS would have have own room. Only alternative until DSS moves out

He needs to move out, but his parents will probably need to help him achieve that.

I presume the fact that his stay was supposed to be temporary and 'just for the time being' was discussed with him at the time? He needs to be told that time's up now by both of you or you may end up being the bad guy.

12 is too old for a girl to be sharing with a brother and 10 is too old to be sharing with an adult (male) IMO. DH needs to recognise that all three of his children need consideration and appropriate quality of life

A 12 yr old girl should not be sharing a room with her brother. A 10 year old boy should not be sharing his room with a 23 yr old adult. Yes your stepson should move out as it was a temporary arrangement and it's just not working now but it's not that easy for young people to just move out. Can you and his dad help him with a deposit and a couple of months rent to get him started off? Other than that can you repurpose the dining room for a short while until he can save enough to move out?

I do feel a bit sorry for DSS though, as it's so hard to find accommodation at the moment. All the 23 year olds I know are still living with their parents? Do you have a downstairs room he could have?

Its clear your dd needs her own room.

Someone has to compromise here. It maybe that dss can't stay up late watching adult films anymore. Until he has his own place.

Or someone has to leave.

Step son should look at house shares. They're relatively cheap and good fun for a while.

People seem to want to rent or buy on their own these days but that's never been the norm in your early twenties.

Can the largest bedroom be divided into 2 and you and partner have medium room and DSS smaller room?

Or is there a downstairs study or dining room or similar separate reception room that could be turned into a bedroom?

Is there any flexibility in your layout to create another room? Maybe put a stud wall across a bigger room? Or do you have a large garden and could use space there?

otherwise I guess SA has to move out, with parental support. Which would be a shame as it may reinforce a perception that he is less wanted/ important than his siblings, especially after what happened at his mums.

OK I have a 23 year old. I would house them for as long as necessary as I'm their parent.
The reality is that moving out a young single person is really hard , particularly if you live in an area with higher than average rents.
I believe.housing benefit/ universal credit is also lower for young people.
I can see what a difficult situation it is , I do feel for him though as it sounds like both parents have moved on and have new families and he had been forgotten.
Many of my friends have DC this age and none of them are 100% independent.
A false start of moving away then coming home again is very common.
A lot of people who comment probably haven't got DC that age.
OP do you expect both your DC to move out and be independent by 23 and not have an option to live in the family home?
Young adults still need a lot of parental support.
If feasible i think one of his parents should be looking at either moving or doing an extension/ loft conversion and to be frank this should have happened years ago - its clear neither of his parents have ever had space for him AND their DC from new relationships.
Right now probably him sharing the larger bedroom with his half brother is the best way forward but it's not ideal and tbf it's not the DCs fault incl 23 year old, it's a result of neither of his parents ever making sure they had adequate housing for all their DC.
Has your DH put any solution forward?

Of course he should give the room up. He's 23 FFS.