To ask 23 year old to give his bedroom to step son?

[whitebutterfly3]

I have 2 dc with dh 10(boy) and 12(girl) and he has a son from a previous relationship (23) who always lived with his mum but we have always taken him out at the weekend.
His mum has a 2 bed house which he had a bedroom at and then she had a daughter with her current partner who slept in their room until dss moved out and rented with a partner, then they moved their dd into his old room, by this time she was 7.
The relationship didn't work out and was over in about 18 months but when he split from his girlfriend neither could afford to stay in the flat so dss asked if he could stay with us as his mum had given his old room to his sister now.

We agreed thinking it would be temporary but we didn't have a bedroom for him so put our ds and dd in together for the time being freeing the small room for dss.
Now dd is getting older and going through puberty she's resenting sharing with her brother, he also has SEN and they are constantly bickering and she clearly needs her own room as they don't get on at all.
dss has been back just over a year and is working so could afford to move out, dh thinks it's not fair as it's his room and not his fault the younger ones fight.
He also hasn't had the opportunity to live with his son before as his relationship with his mum broke shortly after Dss was born so is enjoying having him around.
I don't have any issues with Dss I have known him since he was small and love him to bits but I don't think there's room for him here and it's not working for me or our children.

You said you have a kitchen diner, do you have a separate living room? That might have to become dss’ room.

He's 23. He shouldn't be living with parents at that age - he needs to find a shared house or similar and stand on his own two feet!

Oh come on! I know he's "a man" now, but even house shares are v v expensive these days, let alone renting a place for himself.

He's only 23. Both his mother and father have had new families, moved on, and don't want him. Poor guy.

You're allowing DS's needs to trump DD's here...it's equally as inappropriate for her to have to share with a boy.

This has to be the option, with the room being reserved for sleeping not playing games. The room is for sleeping. He engages in Games and TV in the main room.

No way would I put a grown man and a child in the same bedroom together, especially a vulnerable SEN child.
Stepson or not that's just not the right thing to do.

It isn't just any random grown man though is it? They are half siblings. There doesn't seem to be a lot of choice for OP here.

The younger ones are too old to be sharing now, it's not fair on the 12 yo girl.
If the DSS and DS can't share (which I agree is not ideal), is there any way you can split DS and DD's bedroom with a screen or bunk beds (seen a lot of people so this and looks good).
Moving house seems extreme to accommodate an adult DSS.
Can DSS afford to move out? This seems to be the best solution

Oh come on this is a family home, how can you expect a family of 4 to give up the lounge fgs?

Any room in the garden for an insulated garden bedroom or a cheap caravan?

You can't be expect to rent by yourself at 23! This is the problem - not even considering moving in a shared house. That's what most people do at that age.

My cousins had a similar scenario. The two sons need to share. 12 year old girl in puberty needs her own room. The adult son should get this, if not, it should be explained, and it should result in him speeding up attaining his own place. He doesn't need to be a stranger and is always welcome. It will probably be good for him. My adult cousin was getting a bit too cosy at home until he had to share with a nine-year-old kid brother!

OP, sorry if this has already been asked, but what is your DH’s suggested solution? It’s not great that he shows no concern about his daughter’s privacy. Yet again ,we have the ‘first family’ child(ren) being put before the second. It’s a common problem

I think I am with your dh here, he was here first and both his parents have chosen to have more children, and now there's no room for him.
Totally unfair and shame on the parents, he should have a room and it's down to you to make sure there's room for your additional children.

He's not a child. Parents don't have to keep a room for an adult child who has moved out! They didn't need to have a room for him as he was living independently. How long do you think they should hold space for him just in case?

He needs to share with DS or move in to a house share, ideally with mates.

@Blueeyes13

In that case, DH should share with DSS 😂 and you can share with DD. DS would have have own room. Only alternative until DSS moves out

THIS IS GENIUS!!!!!

It’s down to the OP? Seriously? So her husband has no responsibility at all for his younger children???

Your daughter needs her own space. Are there any other solutions? Dining room that can be used as a bedroom or a garage conversion?

Your daughter needs her own room away from any brothers at this age - that needs to be your priority. Your mistake was not putting a time limit on how long the younger ones would be sharing for and communicating that to the 23yo, but he needs that spelling out to him now. Unless you have another room like an office where he can sleep then he’ll have to share with his little brother - might prompt him to move out sooner rather than later!

The price isn't always cheap....near me it's £800 plus bills. There are 3 bed houses converted to 6 bedrooms

Sorry but why are 23 year olds not living in shared houses any more? I didn’t rent my own (v small) place until my early 30s, which wasn’t that long ago. Yes the shared houses were grotty and expensive, and housemates could be a nightmare. But isn’t it a rite of passage and part of growing up? I can’t see how it’s emotionally healthy for a 23 year old to still be living with parents and younger siblings.

He's a man with a job. He needs to move out.

Then he has to share with your son, and you divide the room or have a schedule to split the living room time with him so he can still watch the stuff he likes.

There has to be a compromise. You can’t just ask him to leave and pretend that it won’t impact on your relationship with him, your relationship with DH, his relationship with his Dad; and likely his mental health for a bit too… he’ll have been asked to leave by both parents in a pretty short amount of time.

It’s fine to say that your DD needs space now and so he needs to share with your DS, that’s still giving him a home and a roof. It might be enough to prompt him to move anyway, if he can afford to. But you can’t just ask him to leave to give your children their own rooms.

Plenty of single mothers cope. With the additional expense of children and reduced ability to earn.
I rented alone with DS. My sister rented alone with her child. It's perfectly normal for a single adult to rent a home. My brother and his partner rent with their child on only his income. Why on earth can one adult man not afford to rent a flat?

@whitebutterfly3 Which room is bigger? Is there any way you could put your dss in the smallest room, and then somehow screen/ split the slightly larger room for your two?
or even give up your larger double room to split between your two, and you and DH move into your kids smaller room. It might not be ideal, but if needs must….

You cannot have an adult male share a bedroom with a young child. Not appropriate.

You'll have to split yourself and DH if he insists on his son staying .
DH and DSS
DS
You and DD

I imagine both DH and DSS will feel compelled to change the situation when It actually impacts them.