to not feed my DS's friend snacks?

[TwinklyBlueFawn]

We live two doors down from one of DS's school friends, I'll call him B. They are both 9.

They love playing with each other and will spend a lot of time knocking for each other and then going between our two houses. We have absolutely no problems with them playing together, DS is an only child and playing with B after school and on the weekends is his favourite thing to do.

However, every time B comes over, he asks for snacks, multiple times. Or rather, he gets my DS to ask for snacks. If B is at our house, I'll give the boys one snack. B usually goes home for lunch and then they'll commence playing again later in the afternoon. During the time the boys are at our house, B will ask for snacks every hour!

It's getting to the point where it feels like B is wanting constant food. Every day that B is at our house, he will ask for a snack and I've even seen him open our snack cupboard without asking first!

Last Sunday, B stayed for lunch and the boys had a chicken burger with salad + cheese, strawberries, a banana and some mini crackers. They also both had milk with their food. 10 minutes later, DS comes downstairs and says 'can B have a snack, hes hungry?'. I said no as they'd just had lunch. DS went back upstairs and I heard him say to B that there were no snacks, and B said 'its not fair' in quite a whiny voice.

I do know that B's parents are more strict with their diets as DS has told me they don't have 'nice snacks' eg crisps / biscuits / cheese snacks etc. We have a more 'everything in moderation' attitude to food, so I understand that B may just want the opportunity to eat a little junk, as he cant at home. But I feel a bit aggrieved at the expectation that we have an endless supply of snacks for B - especially when DS rarely wants one himself.

Yesterday, DS again came down and said B wanted a snack and I told him that B could go to his own house and get a snack. I did feel a bit mean afterwards, AIBU?

You did the right thing if you have given him something he doesn't need anything else, try and not worry about it.

If you stop the snacks, do you think he'll still want to come and play?

Growth spurt? I know my kids around these ages were snacking loads. You just struggle to fill them up. Perhaps do healthy snack vs crap

DS again came down and said B wanted a snack and I told him that B could go to his own house and get a snack

I actually think that was a bit unreasonable because there isn’t a ‘nice’ way of delivering that message so you’re either asking DS to be rude to his friend or to manage the situation. It isn’t unreasonable to say no to snacks but it is unreasonable to get the nine year old to do it. I’d probably just give them something like an apple or pear and say super nicely ‘no more snacks now boys okay?’ And then if the friend keeps asking you can remind him nicely you said that was it.

What snacks are you giving ?

Offer an apple pear grapes - or crackers simple basic cheap

Sounds like B loves your snack cupboard as doesn't have same at home

He seems to be spending a lot of time at your house, is this ever reciprocated?

I think it's fine to send him home if he's hungry. The parents might not want you giving him snacks regularly anyway, I know I wouldn't have with my middle child who has a tendency to overeat.

You might want to have a chat with his mum about what snacks are allowed and that he seems very hungry

I agree with a pp- offer the sort of snack that B’s parents would offer like an apple or have a new rule about B going home each time he’s hungry.

If B’s parents don’t give him crisps etc, how do they feel about B eating it at your house. It’s understandable that B wants to take advantage of being at your house to eat snacks but it’s not your problem to solve.

Do his parents know you’re giving him snacks when he comes over? It sounds like the friend is using you to get food that he’s not allowed at home. I would stop all snacks if I were you. If he’s hungry he can go home.

Do you think he is genuinely hungry - do they feed him enough?

Yes, I’d do this, framing it as you don’t want to break any rules she has.

But his growth spurt is for his parents to deal with, not the next door neighbour!

I think it is strange when parents don’t acknowledge this as is it does generally shift the issue on to someone else.

I think going forward, when B is around the only snacks that would be offered to both boys would be of the apple, carrot/cucumber sticks variety.

If he’s cheeky enough to ask out loud for crisps/biscuits then I’d say ‘oh we don’t have any available, maybe you should go home to your house for crisps.’

Is he very poor, are the parents neglectful, if he's so hungry he's asking for constant snacks?

Speak to his parents and ask what snacks they are happy for him to have. Or when he next asks, say that he will need to ask his parents if he's allowed a biscuits etc, or he can have a banana.

DD’s best friend is the same. I’m pretty sure it’s because the parents are really controlling around food, she’s not even allowed the school puddings which are mostly fruit/yoghurt. So it’s just too tempting for her to be in the same house as a packet of crisps. Or that’s my theory anyway. When she’s over they get their one ‘nice snack’ then every time she asks for more I keep offering stuff a banana or carrot sticks, so she stops asking!

Yesterday, DS again came down and said B wanted a snack and I told him that B could go to his own house and get a snack. I did feel a bit mean afterwards, AIBU?

Don't feel mean, you did the right thing.

You need to get him out of this habit so say no to all snack requests and only offer water and apples. Why did he stay for lunch?

No, don't do this! Why should OP be responsible for feeding him?

Is he hungry, is he being fed by his parents? Does your son ever go to his for lunch like you provided for him?

Don't feel bad. It sounds like he's asking because he wants treats he doesn't get at home.

If you want to give him 1 snack per visit, then say to him that your son gets 1 snack a day so he can have one snack and if he wants more he can get them from home.

Stick to this and eventually he will stop asking.

Alternatively, move the good snacks to somewhere where he wouldn't check and leave rice cakes/ raisins etc, so he stops asking all together!

Or, if he asks for a snack, make cucumber and carrot sticks each time! That will stop him asking 🤣

You need to speak to B yourself and tell your child to stop bringing messages for him, B can ask you himself if he wants to..this is fairly u
usual I think on play dates with some children. Cut out the middle man and be firm.

Or is it your child wanting snacks and blaming B?

@drusth that's an individual choice. We have my kids friends over here a lot, especially the neighbour. I am more than happy for them to have some snacks while here. If she doesn't want to feed them, then she can very kindly in a lovely warm hearted kind of way, tell him to bugger off home and get is own snacks from his own parents.