to not feed my DS's friend snacks?

[TwinklyBlueFawn]

We live two doors down from one of DS's school friends, I'll call him B. They are both 9.

They love playing with each other and will spend a lot of time knocking for each other and then going between our two houses. We have absolutely no problems with them playing together, DS is an only child and playing with B after school and on the weekends is his favourite thing to do.

However, every time B comes over, he asks for snacks, multiple times. Or rather, he gets my DS to ask for snacks. If B is at our house, I'll give the boys one snack. B usually goes home for lunch and then they'll commence playing again later in the afternoon. During the time the boys are at our house, B will ask for snacks every hour!

It's getting to the point where it feels like B is wanting constant food. Every day that B is at our house, he will ask for a snack and I've even seen him open our snack cupboard without asking first!

Last Sunday, B stayed for lunch and the boys had a chicken burger with salad + cheese, strawberries, a banana and some mini crackers. They also both had milk with their food. 10 minutes later, DS comes downstairs and says 'can B have a snack, hes hungry?'. I said no as they'd just had lunch. DS went back upstairs and I heard him say to B that there were no snacks, and B said 'its not fair' in quite a whiny voice.

I do know that B's parents are more strict with their diets as DS has told me they don't have 'nice snacks' eg crisps / biscuits / cheese snacks etc. We have a more 'everything in moderation' attitude to food, so I understand that B may just want the opportunity to eat a little junk, as he cant at home. But I feel a bit aggrieved at the expectation that we have an endless supply of snacks for B - especially when DS rarely wants one himself.

Yesterday, DS again came down and said B wanted a snack and I told him that B could go to his own house and get a snack. I did feel a bit mean afterwards, AIBU?

Just tell his parents, that will soon shut him up. And if not tell him parents for him to bring his own snacks as it’s getting ridiculous, maybe you could say- is there something medically wrong with him to make them embarrassed and so they sort it out. You are the adult, refuse the child.

Oh god I was probably this child! Although if we’d been told no I wouldn’t have pestered! My house was a very healthy food one and we only ever had crisps in when we had visitors and we’re taking them out for the day/picnic type outing. Very rarely chocolate. My friend’s parents ran a hotel so there were always boxes of crisps including the forbidden monster much and cans of fizzy drinks like Lilt!

I think allow one snack - could be a digestive biscuit or mini cheddars so nothing to wildly exciting and then say no to every other request.

I think you should say, "Go home and get a snack there" every single time he does it. His parents don't want him eating snacks. You don't want him to eat your snacks. Send him home every time and warn your son that he's not having any snacks when his friend is there. It's not fair on you.

I would've offered chips with the burger lunch. Your child might just have a small appetite.

It’s always kids whose parents who are overly strict who are like this.

The kids whose parents are very strict about food who beg you for snacks constantly. The kids whose parents hit them, shout alot or use harsh consequences who can’t behave at your house where they’ll be spoken to reasonably.

You can always tell the kids with reasonable, moderate parents who treat them with respect as they always behave beautifully.

Every child that has come to our house has done this, constantly getting our dc to ask for snacks/junk. You really just need to learn to say no, or have a maximum, say one snack in the morning and one in the afternoon, or just whatever you would usually let your own dc have. Once they are eaten, you just say sorry lads that's your limit, and mean it.

That's totally fine. Dc's friends often ask for snacks. I will give them snacks sometimes, but other times, I just say no. They can go home if they are hungry or they can wait until their next meal time. I wouldn't want a neighbour pumping mine full of junk rather than just saying no. Unless you suspect that this child is not being fed at home, then I would leave it to his parents to decide what to feed him. It sounds like he likes to come to yours because you have the good snacks.

Maybe if his parents are anti snack and you explain to them about all the snacks he’s having they will

1. tell him to stop asking
2. tell you they don’t want him having XYZ so you’re off the hook
3. reveal themselves as CF who won’t have snacks at home but happy for him to eat yours (I know someone like this!)

either way buy fruit and offer a satsuma or otherwise - I always find they aren’t so keen for snacks if just fruit 😀

I don’t think you should change your family habits or culture to align with this child’s parents strictness on food. If they don’t like him having the snacks that’s their issue really. Wait until the teenage years, we came home on Saturday evening to find DS and friends had eaten our prawns and a pizza and huge bag of Pistachio nuts before they went to a party!

Btw I recently had a child round on a play date who got through a LOT of snacks and it was annoying (after food) as it does feel cheeky but it’s not really as they are children and just want food always so I had to just grit my teeth as he’s not round as much as this neighbour.

Just say no! Offer apples only.

I would give the same snacks as I allowed my own dc (so in your case one) and then offer fruit/veg only. Then you will know if genuine hunger or just trying it on.

I know DS has previously had meals at B's house and said there was 'a lot' of vegetables. I didn't really pry into this, but DS isn't super adventurous with food so I assumed the vegetables were more exotic than broccoli, peas, cauliflower and carrots, which is basically the extent of veg that DS will eat. B doesn't appear malnourished or underfed but I do think he doesn't have access to any treats at home which is why he gets a bit fiendish at ours.

I try to feed DS a balanced diet, so a snack would be a piece of fruit + a cheese string, or it might be some strawberries and a bag of mini cookies, or some tortilla chips + carrot sticks. I don't think it's DS asking for food and blaming it on B as DS knows he can help himself to snacks and he's never gone overboard with them.

I'm happy to give B one snack, but even with the price of fruit, I'd much prefer he wasn't constantly eating our food, whether that's treats or healthy snacks.

On the plus side there are no play dates for 6th formers so I don’t have to provide dinners anymore which is a blessed relief when you have visiting children that only eat beige food and don’t like anything you serve up. I had one child come to ours for a play date and food and she was not very happy about the food, she also said that she would normally eat with her house rabbit and that she would normally eat her food in front of the TV at a specific time so that she could watch the Clangers. My DD got so bored with her moaning that she walked off and I found her playing with toys in her bedroom! 😁

Yep, he lives two doors down, there is no reason to provide him with snacks.

I'd start offering fruit or a healthy snack rather than 'treats', if he's hungry how about porridge. You'll soon figure out if he's genuinely or just wants treats

just get some big bags of fruit from the market. apples and oranges, they can be the play over snacks.

If he's genuinely hungry you wouldn't him to go without, if he's looking for junk its not on offer.

Maybe this behaviour is why his parents have limited those types of snacks

I agree. My mum was so strict about food, we weren’t even allowed to make smoothies as they were too sugary. No desserts, Easter eggs, Xmas chocs, no white rice or pasta, no butter.

As a result I was very greedy and had no sense of hunger cues/when I was full, I’d just keep eating and eating.

People will immediately start telling you that you should be offering him healthy alternatives like carrot sticks as snacks, but personally I think that's bollocks and that if a child demands a snack rather than waiting to be offered, you just say a straight-up 'No, you don't need a snack, you've had lunch/breakfast/dinner'. He's not a little kid, he's nine years old and if he's asking for treats all the time and then whining 'It's not fair' when he doesn't get them, that's just plain bad manners.

If you generally offer your own kid a snack at particular times, like when they get from school etc, then obviously offer his friend one too, if he's there. But you really don't have to keep providing snacks to otherwise well-fed kids all day on demand, your own or other people's.

Buy a packet of digestives (no chocolate) and let him have one per morning or afternoon.

If he whines then tell him to go home for food.

If he opens cupboards or steals the send him home immediately.

Have a word with your son and tell him that the friend is to ask you directly for snacks and not to go through him.

https://www.sainsburys.co.uk/gol-ui/product/mcvities-digestive-biscuits-360g?istCompanyId=1e096408-041f-4238-994e-a7cf46bf9413&istFeedId=689af7a8-5842-4d88-be59-1ee5688a81b5&istItemId=wxwqmwpii&istBid=t&&cmpid=cpc&utmsource=Google&utmmmedium=cpc&utmcampaign=20333793068&utmmcontent=shopping&utmterm=%257Bsku%257D&utmmcustom1=&utmcustom2=759-449-0952&gaddsource=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw9IayBhBJEiwAVuc3fg6bKLcEZO4XklrOZpMRVpjR9WdCx7Pl8RVAu9AYbW0eEbeJ66mEBoCr8gQAvDBwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Just say to both boys at the start of the visit, ‘ok boys, there will be one snack at x time, just so you know’ and keep the snack on the dull side. Maybe digestive biscuit and half an apple or a slice of toast.

If he asks again just make a joke about the cafe being closed.

Stop worrying, my ds had a couple of friends like that, they got 1 snack if they wanted more they could go home and get it. It caused no issues with friendships and they weren't underfed at home, just had parents who were more strict with snacks.

It’s always kids whose parents who are overly strict who are like this. The kids whose parents are very strict about food who beg you for snacks constantly

I don't have kids but my mum always used to say exactly this. When she was a childminder she briefly looked after a child after school whose parents specifically said that they were happy for her to have a snack with my mum but that it mustn't be anything sugary, salty or processed. My mum said 'Of course, that's absolutely fine - I can give her whatever fruit or veg she likes, and I've nearly always got unsalted nuts in the cupboard too, so if she asks me for crisps and chocolate, I promise I won't be persuaded!' and her parents said 'Oh, she won't ask for you for those things, she's never really had them so she actually prefers fruit.'

On her first day, my mum brought the child home from school and said 'Shall we have an after-school snack? Would you like to choose something from the fruit bowl?' and the child paused for a minute and said 'Have you got any Monster Munch?'

Just be sensible about it. Saying no to snacks 10 minutes after lunch is totally reasonable.
One set of snacks in a play period of about2-3 hours is fair to me. They don’t need more than that.

You don’t need chips with a burger and salad followed by fruit.