to not feed my DS's friend snacks?

[TwinklyBlueFawn]

We live two doors down from one of DS's school friends, I'll call him B. They are both 9.

They love playing with each other and will spend a lot of time knocking for each other and then going between our two houses. We have absolutely no problems with them playing together, DS is an only child and playing with B after school and on the weekends is his favourite thing to do.

However, every time B comes over, he asks for snacks, multiple times. Or rather, he gets my DS to ask for snacks. If B is at our house, I'll give the boys one snack. B usually goes home for lunch and then they'll commence playing again later in the afternoon. During the time the boys are at our house, B will ask for snacks every hour!

It's getting to the point where it feels like B is wanting constant food. Every day that B is at our house, he will ask for a snack and I've even seen him open our snack cupboard without asking first!

Last Sunday, B stayed for lunch and the boys had a chicken burger with salad + cheese, strawberries, a banana and some mini crackers. They also both had milk with their food. 10 minutes later, DS comes downstairs and says 'can B have a snack, hes hungry?'. I said no as they'd just had lunch. DS went back upstairs and I heard him say to B that there were no snacks, and B said 'its not fair' in quite a whiny voice.

I do know that B's parents are more strict with their diets as DS has told me they don't have 'nice snacks' eg crisps / biscuits / cheese snacks etc. We have a more 'everything in moderation' attitude to food, so I understand that B may just want the opportunity to eat a little junk, as he cant at home. But I feel a bit aggrieved at the expectation that we have an endless supply of snacks for B - especially when DS rarely wants one himself.

Yesterday, DS again came down and said B wanted a snack and I told him that B could go to his own house and get a snack. I did feel a bit mean afterwards, AIBU?

A box of snacks? Did you miss the bit where it’s not OP’s Child?

Kids don’t need snacks every hour, it’s ridiculous these days.

I had this with two local girls but it was because they generally werent being fed enough. Poor girls were always starving so id have loads chocolate or jam sandwiches prepared for them and a few packs of crisps, didn't give the best snacks though as didnt want to get a reputation and have the whole neighbourhood asking for my snacks 😂

Yanbu in the sense that it is not your job to feed him but yabu thinking a 9 year is doing anything wrong here that they would understand. My brother had a friend like this when we were kids and it reached the point where my mum would tell him to go home for snacks, it's no big deal when it's a few doors down.
Have you considered that your lunch might not have been enough to feed him - I had a massive appetite as a kid and always felt hungry after being fed by other people's parents. I would often have another meal when I got home.

I agree with you and even the word snacks grate on me, kids don't need to be eating every hour it's ridiculous and a terrible habit to get in to.

If I were you I'd give him a massive bag of carrots or celery and tell him that is all he can have. You could add a pot of hummus if you're feeling generous but theres no obligation to. He's not your responsibility.

To be completely honest, his parents probably hate you giving their son junk food all the time.

It's a bit of a messed up situation that a) you're giving him food that's bad for him b) your undermining his parents parenting and probably pissing them off because nobody wants other parents to give their kids junk and c) it's costly and inconvenient to you.... yet you are doing all this to be nice!

You need to reframe it in your head so you don't feel guilty for saying no (which you shouldn't). The good thing to do here is to trust your instincts and say no.

I wish our neighbours did what you're doing op instead of just feeding my Dd.

I was definitely this kid, because of rigid food rules at home, and I just had no experience of how to navigate it/sense that I was being rude. From 9 year old me's perspective, this would be a No! Rules! Food! situation and I would not have been able to see that there was a general approach of restraint, because to me a rule about food was something very prescriptive and unwavering - and I had no experience of regulating my desire for treat food as all the regulation was done for me.

What I would have appreciated would be clear, unshaming communication about what the rules/approach was in your house so I could fit in with that - I would not have twigged that I was breaking an unwritten rule, but I wouldn't have wanted to be cheeky or rude.

I'd speak to the friend's parents, or offer "boring" snacks.

My daughters best friend is obsessed with snacks, as she's not allowed them at home e.g. biscuits, chocolate, pop, crisps etc. I've recently started offering fruit or toast instead of the unhealthy treats we have in the garage, and she stopped asking. Having strict rules with diet isn't helpful to kids. Those kids will be straight to the shops with pocket money, as soon as they independently travel from school. We have 3 meals a day with a treat, but asking every hour for one is ridiculous.

I was going to say YABU and tight but that kid is excessive 😂😂😂

Get some really shit healthy snacks in so he stops asking 😂

Assuming he's a healthy size and weight, he's being fed at home.

I'd stock up on bananas as they fill up a bit more. Then I'd default to "your parents said I wasn't to spoil your dinner so it's one snack only".

If you are concerned that he is not getting enough to eat, maybe have a chat to the parents about boys always being hungry. You don't want to spoil his dinner, what's the thinking. They may just need to adapt his diet to cater for his growth.

Its so rude to be asking for snacks like that especially when your poor DS is being whined at to go and ask for more.

I had a friend like this as a child. They would come to my house for a playdate/dinner. Firstly, she'd have me ask for extra snacks and then she used to say, "I don't like sausages so I will swap them for your chips." The early 90s where her parents wouldn't have dreamed of keeping a chip pan as it was dangerous and unhealthy. My mother took a while longer to catch on but after she found out there were no other playdates. Same friend used to "swap" my snack at school saying, "you have lots of those at home. I've seen how unhealthy you all are."

It's not a case of hunger at all OP, the boy is greedy and needs to be told no and tell DS to just say, no mum hasn't been to shops yet. Then hide the snacks.

I don’t go to work to earn money to pay for snacks for other people’s kids. I would tell the child no snacks myself.

Is your child going there to play at all-this sounds all very one-sided?

I think he’s just excited by the availability of junk food as it doesn’t sound like he gets it at home. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in refusing, by the sounds of it his parents wouldn’t want him eating junk food either.

My DS often plays at his friend's house down the street. He has something to eat at home after school then comes back from friend's house for his tea having eaten crisps, chocolate, biscuits and not wanting the meal I have prepared.

I have told him not to ask for food and they have been asked not to supply it but it keeps happening. He is ND so has poor impulse control, (we are working on this together with the food thing) but I often don't allow him to go there now for this reason.

I would keep on suggesting he goes home to fetch a snack. Keep repeating everytime he asks for a snack. Its summer, he will be asking for ice cream and ice lollies soon. Nip this in the bud now.

Spot on!

who could argue with this?

snacks every hour is just ridiculous and will lead to obesity

Your house, your rules (to use a cliche).

Offer him a stick of celery.

It's not "always" those type of kids, it's a proportion of them, in the same way as there will be a proportion of kids from "endless snack" households who constantly ask for treats, because it's what they are used to, rather than what they are generally forbidden.
Usually we notice the differences in the way other people parent, rather than the similarities, so the parents who have a different style to us tend to stand out and stick in our minds.

If finances are an issue (which seems to be the case based on your updates), you’re definitely not unreasonable.

And if this derails your own approach to nutrition and nutritional education, it’s perfect fine to have some ground rules.

“One snack between meals” would be perfectly reasonable, imo.

But you shouldn’t put the burden of communication on your DS. Tell the child yourself!

So much of this thread seems so uptight around food!
Just let the kid have a snack, don't laden the whole thing with guilt about asking for food/bad manners etc.
He's 9 year's old, not just exiting finishing school!
Just make the snack nice, if he asks for more, say it's best he goes home for an early lunch/supper if he's still hungry.
If he's rude when he asks, just tell him how you'd like him to ask.
If he bugs your son to be the messenger, gently tell him that you would like him to ask you directly in future.
It's a couple of well crafted sentences which will eliminate this niggle over what sounds like an overwhelmingly positive friendship for your son.
I think you sound a bit mean over this, especially telling your 9 year old to deliver the message you, as the adult, want delivered!

If your DS and B like hanging out together, what I would do is this:
I'd have a small selection of snacks prepared (some crackers, cheese, piece of fruit, jug of squash to drink, bag of crisps each) and just say that once that is gone, there isn't anything else. You're not running an open pantry where the kids can keep going back over and over to keep dipping in to.
If B wants more at that stage then just send B home to have his dinner.

That's what I'd do.

I would always feed a hungry kid. Not their fault if not enough food at home. Sounds like there’s more at play here than greed

I would have faced similar issues (also grew up in a restrictive nutritional environment).

OP should the child (kindly but firmly) that there will be no more than one snack between meals / one snack in the afternoon and one snack in the morning.