to not feed my DS's friend snacks?

[TwinklyBlueFawn]

We live two doors down from one of DS's school friends, I'll call him B. They are both 9.

They love playing with each other and will spend a lot of time knocking for each other and then going between our two houses. We have absolutely no problems with them playing together, DS is an only child and playing with B after school and on the weekends is his favourite thing to do.

However, every time B comes over, he asks for snacks, multiple times. Or rather, he gets my DS to ask for snacks. If B is at our house, I'll give the boys one snack. B usually goes home for lunch and then they'll commence playing again later in the afternoon. During the time the boys are at our house, B will ask for snacks every hour!

It's getting to the point where it feels like B is wanting constant food. Every day that B is at our house, he will ask for a snack and I've even seen him open our snack cupboard without asking first!

Last Sunday, B stayed for lunch and the boys had a chicken burger with salad + cheese, strawberries, a banana and some mini crackers. They also both had milk with their food. 10 minutes later, DS comes downstairs and says 'can B have a snack, hes hungry?'. I said no as they'd just had lunch. DS went back upstairs and I heard him say to B that there were no snacks, and B said 'its not fair' in quite a whiny voice.

I do know that B's parents are more strict with their diets as DS has told me they don't have 'nice snacks' eg crisps / biscuits / cheese snacks etc. We have a more 'everything in moderation' attitude to food, so I understand that B may just want the opportunity to eat a little junk, as he cant at home. But I feel a bit aggrieved at the expectation that we have an endless supply of snacks for B - especially when DS rarely wants one himself.

Yesterday, DS again came down and said B wanted a snack and I told him that B could go to his own house and get a snack. I did feel a bit mean afterwards, AIBU?

Since the boys are playing together nearly every single day - you need to manage the situation. Boy B has to learn to live by your house rules when he visits.

Find out from B's parents what snacks they give their son and how often.

Then follow through on their rules/snacks when B is playing a yours. Or relax the rules on what they eat at weekends - but stipulate the maximum number of snacks or times they can eat snacks.

If you son rarely wants a snack, it's no hardship for him.

Same here! My mum would have been annoyed if my friends asked and I'd never have dared ask at my friends houses. You were just grateful and thankful if you were offered anything!
Personally, I think the manners that were instilled in us as kids are severely lacking these days.
I'd speak with the parents and get some sort of picture as to a) why he's so hungry all the time and b) why he's being so manipulative with your DS over it!

Just read your update. If he is lacking in general manners, you probably, sadly, won't get too far with the parents, as it sounds like he hasn't been taught them.

I'd tell him, directly, that he asks me, not sends DS as his flying monkey, and if he's already had more than 1 snack, don't even bother as the answer will be no. If he is that hungry he can go home and get a snack.

Chances are as soon as HE has to ask himself and understands there will be no more than 2 snacks ever, he will calm down as he won't want to ask himself (if he did, he would be doing so already.)

Carrot sticks every time

I'd tell him, directly,
Me too. "You'll have to stop asking for snacks now love, you can have one when you visit but that's all".
I would also do what others have suggested and move the junk food elsewhere so he cant go rooting around for them or again, tell him directly that hes not allowed to do that in your house.

Def hide the snacks - what a cheeky sod going in your cupboard

Leave one snack out

Then apples carrots cucumber etx

"You're both very welcome to have one thing from our snack cupboard, otherwise DS can do a couple slices of plain toast if either you or him is really hungry".

Why should she be there cutting up veg for him every day?! She owes him nothing he’s just greedy

Can you say to B - "we only have one snack a day usually - and actually it's not polite to keep asking." ? It seems odd that at 9 he doesn't have better manners all round.

Presumably you know the family well? I just wondered because this reminds me of our ex-neighbours, who were a couple who had to take in the husband's children by his ex-wife, after she couldn't cope. There was a lot of back story - she had other children and these two were fostered and returned etc etc, before finally moving to their Dad - but it was clearly a difficult time for them. They used to come round ours a lot to play with my DCs, and the little girl was just as you describe - permanently asking for food and drinks.

A mutual friend who has some knowledge of these things told me that many children with problems such as abandonment issues, can use food as a way to make themselves feel better / loved. This girl was well fed at home, but was just permanently desperate for snacks. I don't suppose there's any back story with your son's friend?

Just saying as I know it made me far more tolerant once I heard that information - but it's probably completely irrelevant in your case.

Having a 'snack cupboard' wasn't a thing when my DCs were young in the 80's. They had meals and then had fruit or a bit of toast or a sandwich if they were hungry any other time, which I don't seem to remember was often until DS was a teenager. I didn't buy crisps or sweets or juice apart from diluting juice. I'm not sure grazing is a good thing.

It's not tight, you're doing him a favour, particularly if his parents are quite strict about food. Just establish that the norm is one snack from now on, tell him next time he comes around that it's the rule and to please not ask for any more - and then stick to it. Send him home if he says he's hungry.

Hi Bs Mum - B is eating a big lunch and asking for hourly snacks. I wanted to let you know as I think he might have worms.

Should solve it.

I'm a bit shocked at some of the replies here calling the child's friend greedy, cheeky sod, etc. It's a child, after all.
Have a word with the other mum.
ie I'm a bit concerned X is so hungry all the time? I've given xyz to eat and it's not enough for him. Is he unwell in some way? No? That's a relief. Could you pack some snacks for him when he comes by then, please? Thanks.
You can always just tell other child, Hungry again? Must be time to go home for dinner then, love.
Also, I agree with other posters. No junk food. It's empty calories and doesn't satisfy hunger anyway.

OP's kid will only eat broccoli, peas, cauliflower and carrots so no one is coming out of this covered in glory.

As far as I'm concerned, DD knows where the fruit bowl and the toaster live so that's 'snacks'. We don't have mini cookies or crisps in the house. No one dies. And DD doesn't gorge at parties or other people's houses like the dire warnings administered on here. She makes a mug cake or smoothie out of actual ingredients if she's bothered. No processed shite.

Has this child got worms as always hungry?
just give chopped up carrot/sticks, apple etc he will soon stop asking and if he goes to cupboard again say you cannot do that as bad manners. Tell your son to stop coming down and asking and one rule snack per day. Is he fed right at home?

@FaeryRing I never said cut up 😂

Sure he can but a raw carrot or apple

Maybe cut a chunk of cucumber or May eat the whole one

Well bully for you, but as I said, we have a relaxed attitude to food and an 'everything in moderation' approach in our household. Not sure what the issue is with DS only liking certain vegetables either 😑

It’s not that ‘OP's kid will only eat broccoli, peas, cauliflower and carrots’, those are only veggies he eats, which is more than some kids.

And what does that have to do with anything anyway?

OP’s child is not the one begging constantly for food, even straight after lunch.

I think the issue is that your DS has a very small appetite compared to the average nine year old boy, plus is used to eating a lot of processed rubbish and not many vegetables.

You said "Last Sunday, B stayed for lunch and the boys had a chicken burger with salad + cheese, strawberries, a banana and some mini crackers. They also both had milk with their food."

I'm not surprised that B was still hungry afterwards and wanting a snack, as that is a small amount of food with very little to fill him up. He's probably used to eating protein and fibre and filling up on a plate of vegetables so is probably genuinely hungry, although it's fine to send him home for food and this shouldn't be your problem.

Not giving B lots snacks is perfectly reasonable. And if he's round a lot I'd say you should be roughly trying to fall in with what his parents want anyway. Next time he asks I would talk about how too many snacks isn't great and it's how his parents have things at home. Consistency and all that.

Nasty. They're good vegetables!
So your DD snacks on carbs (toaster)? Not too covered in glory yourself.

What judgemental crap. A ‘chicken burger with salad + cheese, strawberries, a banana and some mini crackers’ is not a load of processed rubbish. It’s a good mix.

Food is expensive!
We have the same sort of thing going on where I live, except it's about 4-5 kids asking for snacks!
I tell my boy that I don't buy the food to feed the whole neighbourhood!!
However, I have started getting a really cheap packet of biscuits and some cheap ice pole lollies in the weekly food shop, so if they ask for anything that's all they're getting, none of my good snacks😂

That would be a normal amount of food when my dcs were 9, and even now they're teenagers - it depends on the size of the burger but that's protein, as is the cheese, and the salad is fibre.