to not feed my DS's friend snacks?

[TwinklyBlueFawn]

We live two doors down from one of DS's school friends, I'll call him B. They are both 9.

They love playing with each other and will spend a lot of time knocking for each other and then going between our two houses. We have absolutely no problems with them playing together, DS is an only child and playing with B after school and on the weekends is his favourite thing to do.

However, every time B comes over, he asks for snacks, multiple times. Or rather, he gets my DS to ask for snacks. If B is at our house, I'll give the boys one snack. B usually goes home for lunch and then they'll commence playing again later in the afternoon. During the time the boys are at our house, B will ask for snacks every hour!

It's getting to the point where it feels like B is wanting constant food. Every day that B is at our house, he will ask for a snack and I've even seen him open our snack cupboard without asking first!

Last Sunday, B stayed for lunch and the boys had a chicken burger with salad + cheese, strawberries, a banana and some mini crackers. They also both had milk with their food. 10 minutes later, DS comes downstairs and says 'can B have a snack, hes hungry?'. I said no as they'd just had lunch. DS went back upstairs and I heard him say to B that there were no snacks, and B said 'its not fair' in quite a whiny voice.

I do know that B's parents are more strict with their diets as DS has told me they don't have 'nice snacks' eg crisps / biscuits / cheese snacks etc. We have a more 'everything in moderation' attitude to food, so I understand that B may just want the opportunity to eat a little junk, as he cant at home. But I feel a bit aggrieved at the expectation that we have an endless supply of snacks for B - especially when DS rarely wants one himself.

Yesterday, DS again came down and said B wanted a snack and I told him that B could go to his own house and get a snack. I did feel a bit mean afterwards, AIBU?

What snacks are you giving him ?

Crisps
Cookies
Party rings
Etc

Or

Apple
Banana
Carrot

I’d talk to his parents. He may be having a growth spurt and need the additional food. If I have one of DS friends over (although they are only 5) I don’t mind providing snacks so long as the parents are ok with it. On a hot day they’ll have an ice lolly or ice cream after lunch/dinner, but I don’t endlessly every hour provide snacks. Or they won’t eat their main meals!

Why are people so scared of kids? 🤣 just say no!

Do you have autism, if you don't mind my asking .. ?

Not at all! But rules in my family were very black and white, so I didn't recognise that other people might have wider bands of acceptable behaviour/amounts of food, and that the borders of acceptable might be grey, until much older than you might expect.

If he's hungry he can do two doors down and get a snack from home.
You've been very kind to feed him for so long in my opinion.

Your snacks are too appealing! Give him some raw veg and watch how often he asks for a snack greatly reduce! He’s after crisps and crap by the sound of it.

This!

Who is in charge here - you or B? Just say no ffs. Once he gets used to you consistently saying no he’ll stop asking all the time, and I’m sure he won’t stop playing with your son just because there aren’t snacks available.

you didn’t ask me but as somebody who probably would have behaved like @IvanTheDragon described / in a very similar manner: no, I do not have autism.

I do have adhd (but was a fairly well-behaved child. Liked by most teachers, parents etc).
I was simply brought up in a very restrictive nutritional environment by a mother who was routinely starved as a child and therefore had absolutely no clue what was generally considered “normal”…

I simply wouldn’t have had the framework to understand OP’s approach to nutrition and food 🤷‍♀️ (edit: or realise I was being rude…)

This

This is interesting to me, my DD has a friend who comes from a very strict home, very strict food rules etc. whenever she comes over she will never eat her dinner, I have since discovered she is the same at everyone's house, except her own, where she has no choice.

Just say no to the snacks. Kids do not need to be snacking all the time.
I'd just give him whatever snack you would give your child at whatever time he would normally have one. So if he gets carrot sticks at 4 pm, that's what the other child gets and if he doesn't want them, tough.

I think I'd have a chat with the parents though so they know that he's constantly asking for snacks.

Why is it so difficult to say no to a nine year old kid? Just say it firmly.
Kids are so cheeky nowadays. I would never have dreamed of asking for food at a friend's house and none of my friends ever did. My mother would have given them short shrift if they had.
Same with my kids. They could have a couple of biscuits but that's all.
I don't know why people so scared of saying no to children nowadays

I would say to the mum, ‘X has started eating me out of house and home-is he like that with you wanting snacks?!’

Depending on my relationship with the parents (and their sense of humour) I might suggest he is having a growth spurt (or has worms ;) ) and see what they say. I’d also say I was just going offer toast/an apple/digestives/nothing in future, were they happy with that.

Chances are, they’ll be horrified and tell him to stop begging for snacks. Unless you are genuinely worried they aren’t feeding him enough and it’s a safeguarding issue, obviously.

What is the crux of the matter here? Is it that you can't afford to give snacks or you don't think he should have snacks for health reasons or you're worried that his parents won't like you giving him snacks or you just plain don't want to give him snacks?

Personally, I'd hate a child to be hungry, am quite happy to share whatever we have and can perfectly well afford snacks, so I'd have no problem giving a child who asked snacks. But snacks in our house tend to be fruit / veggies and hummus / hot buttered toast / hard boiled egg / fruit and yoghurt/ air blown popcorn/ cheese cubes/ olives etc rather than UPF so I wouldn't really be worried about parents being concerned or health reasons.

If money is the issue - buttered toast/carrot sticks/snack portion of pasta pesto/handful of olives/seasonal fruit/celery sticks/homemade popcorn etc are all super cheap and stuff you'd probably have in the house anyway.

I doubt he's hungry @mrsm43s he had been given something and he wanted something else he was being greedy , I think some people genuinely mistake I want for I need so they just throw food at kids!

I don't necessarily think he is hungry, but I'd always err on the side of caution, as you never know what goes on behind closed doors, even in seemingly "respectable" families.

As I said, it depends on OP's motivation for denying him snacks.

If it's cost - there's super cheap options out there (or chat to the parents about a contribution or sending a snack pack if a 5p carrot / slice of toast/ handful of pasta is really too much)
If it's worry about health - give healthy snacks
If it's worry that parents won't like it - chat to parents and agree whats acceptable.
If it's just plain being ungenerous - tell him to get lost - no snacks here.

It’s difficult to know if this child is genuinely hungry, or if he just knows his friend’s house has tasty snacks that he doesn’t get at home, and wants to make the most of it. I wouldn’t want a child to be hungry, so if finances permit, I would say “we don’t have any snack food in at the moment, but if B is hungry he can have some bread and butter”. I always found that helped separate the hungry kids from the “I just want some chocolate/crisps” kids!

Why should OP wait on somebody else’s kid hand and foot? Would you expect a dad to do this? Would they ever? Unless he’s skin and bone and there’s concern over him being fed at home tell him to get lost

Well clearly you're in the "just plain being ungenerous" camp.

Personally I'm not like that, so would happily and willingly offer something. I would, of course, check with parents if I had any health concerns.

(Edited to add - sex has nothing to do with it. DH would do exactly as I would do. Don't really understand why you've brought male/female into the issue - totally irrelevant IMO.)

God this is so sad, poor thing

@muggart

which food is it that Op is giving him that is bad for him?

I'm happy to give B one snack, but even with the price of fruit, I'd much prefer he wasn't constantly eating our food, whether that's treats or healthy snacks.

Just do that then. I honestly don't understand what the issue is. You're the adult, you set the boundary/rule and you stick to it. Just say no.

Whilst I would never deny a child food, it’s also fine to teach kids that when they’re at your house, they follow your house rules.

Just say something like “we usually just have one snack a day in this house” or something like that.