to not feed my DS's friend snacks?

[TwinklyBlueFawn]

We live two doors down from one of DS's school friends, I'll call him B. They are both 9.

They love playing with each other and will spend a lot of time knocking for each other and then going between our two houses. We have absolutely no problems with them playing together, DS is an only child and playing with B after school and on the weekends is his favourite thing to do.

However, every time B comes over, he asks for snacks, multiple times. Or rather, he gets my DS to ask for snacks. If B is at our house, I'll give the boys one snack. B usually goes home for lunch and then they'll commence playing again later in the afternoon. During the time the boys are at our house, B will ask for snacks every hour!

It's getting to the point where it feels like B is wanting constant food. Every day that B is at our house, he will ask for a snack and I've even seen him open our snack cupboard without asking first!

Last Sunday, B stayed for lunch and the boys had a chicken burger with salad + cheese, strawberries, a banana and some mini crackers. They also both had milk with their food. 10 minutes later, DS comes downstairs and says 'can B have a snack, hes hungry?'. I said no as they'd just had lunch. DS went back upstairs and I heard him say to B that there were no snacks, and B said 'its not fair' in quite a whiny voice.

I do know that B's parents are more strict with their diets as DS has told me they don't have 'nice snacks' eg crisps / biscuits / cheese snacks etc. We have a more 'everything in moderation' attitude to food, so I understand that B may just want the opportunity to eat a little junk, as he cant at home. But I feel a bit aggrieved at the expectation that we have an endless supply of snacks for B - especially when DS rarely wants one himself.

Yesterday, DS again came down and said B wanted a snack and I told him that B could go to his own house and get a snack. I did feel a bit mean afterwards, AIBU?

@Goldenbear

You got lucky, my house became the default hang out and I felt like a short order cook for sixth form and first year and a half of university (stayed at home, I was just pleased she had friends as has asd) covid put pay to that

We had a kid next door who always wanted to play and would ask for dinner, turned out his parents were not feeding him and there was barely any food he could make himself just bread and jam. It was me who discovered this due to actually talking to what appeared to be a cheeky neighbour, social services did know about the family already it turned out when I spoke to the school safeguarding lead. I don't know the end of the story

He's not asking for snacks, he's asking for treats. I'd be on a team offer apples or carrots, but he needs to be told its rude to beg.

We've got a similar issue with the girl next door, my DDs love playing with her but the minute one of them has an ice cream or a bag of crisps, girl next door spots it and suddenly wants to come over to play. I've also heard her telling my DD 'do you think you'd like a snack? maybe you should ask for one' or 'are you hungry? maybe your mom will give us both a snack if you go and ask'. In the end I had to have a word with next door mum, it was all getting a bit poor manners.

I would either say no directly to the child instead of getting ds to do it- just say something like - no more snacks left. Or I would give some cheapy veg- chopped cucumber, carrots and pepper. And even then I wouldn’t give it constantly. The friend needs to learn he can’t just constantly have unlimited snacks at yours but he will only learn if you say no. Maybe when you give them a snack say this is the only snack

I find it weird his parents haven't taught him you don't request food in other people's houses. You politely accept or decline what's offered.
I think you just have to keep saying, no. There are none. Or just say 'no, bc you won't have room for your (next meal at home.)'
I wonder if his parents are actually not feeding him enough though. How does he look physically? Could you ask his mum if she can send him with some snacks from home as he seems a big/healthy eater? You could say you don't want to give him anything he's not allowed etc. I also wonder what your son eats round his house?

What is it with kids and bloody snacking these days?! They’re obsessed, it was never like this when I was younger. They seem to eat every 30 minutes

I live in a big housing development and am mostly at home, so I always had an open door policy. Ds1 in particular tended to play in groups and it was not unusual for him to burst through the door with 4 or more kids trailing behind. We had a strict no snacks in our house policy, if someone approached me complaining of hunger or wanting something they were told to go home. People who very occasionally do play dates are different, its a different dynamic. We sometimes would invite a school friend and would offer snacks or treats to them. My neighbours had the same policy and we all agreed to stick to this.

Move snacks to elsewhere so B not able to help himself. But keep the fruit bowl handy for them instead.

He doesn’t get cheese strings, mini cookies or tortilla chips at home so he is eating as many as he can at your house.

Just lay down a rule: one snack a day, at a time you call then, and if your choosing.

Demand for snacks / claims if hunger? “If anyone is hungry have an apple”. The requests will stop.

My son had a friend at school whose family didn't do snacks ( or not as we know them) , and the lad was always asking for them at ours , I often overheard the friend asking my son if we had this or that in the house, it was I think just the novelty, not hunger. Like your son, mine rarely asked for them at that age, but knew what was safe to take without asking or not, the friend always wanted to see what else we had. So what was fair game.. wasn't what he wanted.

It wasn't they were super healthy eaters in his family, but it was a big family of 5 kids, the mum would say a six pack of crisps didn't make it in the door and then there was always one pack left with them all fighting over it .So she just didn't buy crisps, she said a packet of digestives didn't last 2 minutes so she'd make up a batch of pancakes and freeze etc, all the kids had great appetites' (the mum had an Italian mother who she said was a great feeder), so she just made what i would call mini meals, if a kid came to her hungry she'd make some scrambled egg on toast, or a frittata, or pasta, a bowl of a chopped salad with grated cheese, slices of fresh bread with tomatoes and mozzarella, then an hour later they be eating soup , followed roast chicken, potatoes and veg. My son always came home stuffed.

yes I agree, well I don’t cook for them but I think that is because the one time I did it was unexpected as DS asked if they could stay for dinner, it happened to be one of my ‘interesting’ concoctions, Tuna sweet and sour as I thought I had chicken but didn’t and they never have really been back for a dinner cooked by me!

I can totally understand that, you are pleased that they have the friendships and social life.

Given his parents don't let him snack like that do you think they would prefer you didn't give him lots anyway?
I'd ask them if it's ok for him to have a snack and if so, what would they prefer he has.

Then you can say your mum/dad have said...

But it's not OPs responsibility to feed snacks to her neighbours child!
OP I would give one when they are playing and no more. Does your son get snacks at the neighbours house?

Could you make them up a box of snacks before the friend arrives and tell them that's all they've got for the day? It doesn't have to be unhealthy.

Then you have control over what they eat, but they have control over when they have it.

YANBU my child is constantly eating but I would t expect other parents to feed him constantly. Is a bit of a debate at home, I keep telling them they are not infants and they don't need to eat every couple of hours. They have full adult meals, the same size as me, but not quite as big as their dad's, but hey always ask for snacks and hour or so after! I would feed kids if they are playing here at meal times but wouldn't like them having constant snacks, is not only the cost but also the mess and the constant coming in and out of the kitchen.

Chop some carrot sticks up and pop them in a box with some grapes and cucumbeer,
And say thats it,,,no more snacks after this so make them last.

I agree. It's strange. Even when my kids were young asking for snacks wasn't a thing. A biscuit maybe but not constantly asking for snacks
My grandchildren though seem to be constantly hungry and asking for snacks .

because snacks like crisps are addictive. Kids aren't begging for toast every 30 minutes.

If he’s skinny I would worry he’s not being fed at home and feed him just in case . . . Just thinking of the horrible news stories. I understand that’s unlikely and I get that most people can’t dish out endless snacks due to money.

I have the same problem with my dds friend, if they want a snack when she is playing here (not a parent organised play date, just ‘calling on’ dd) then they both get an apple or Satsuma and that’s it, I quite often hear dds friend asking her to go and ask me for more snacks though but I can barely afford to keep my own kids in snacks never mind The rest of the kids in the street!

I have to say though that I have a friend who always gives my kids good snacks like chocolate and sweets and I hate taking my ds to her house because he constantly whines about being hungry until she brings out the snack box! I wish she would just give him something less exciting but she likes to give them a little treat while they are there.

I wouldn't feed him extra without talking to his parents, they will have their own routine, they can pack snacks for him to bring to yours.

My niece says her dd wasn't going to have any sugar or anything processed. She later only wanted sugary things. Overly strict parents denial often only causes desire.

@Notreat I think the snack thing is not so much that children are hungrier now or need snacks but that us adults are foolish enough to keep giving them to them. I'm trying to cut down at the moment and it's very difficult, they keep asking. I am telling them that it's OK to be hungry, feeling hungry half an hour before dinner is supposed to happen not instantly lead to a snack to 'keep them going'. Then so many parents complain kids are pushing food around the plate moaning they don't like dinner. Theyd probably devour it if they were hungry enough. No one ever mentions ruining your appetite anymore.

Difficult. I wouldn't give more than you would allow your son. Also if your son isn't allowed in the snack cupboard without asking then this boy shouldn't be allowed either.
Do they play at the friend's house or just yours?
He may also be trying it on with the "no nice snacks at home " too so would take that with a pinch of salt.
You could have a word with his parents along the lines of "just wanted to check if you're happy for him to have snacks at our house/anything he's not allowed/sometimes he asks for snacks at our house so thought I would check with you " if they say no snacking or no crisps etc then at least that backs you up if you need to refuse snacks and it makes them aware of the situation