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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to my brothers graduation ceremony?

237 replies

Whitelilacs · 13/05/2024 12:26

My brother is a bit of a perpetual student but this graduation means a lot to him.

However it’s on my daughter’s first birthday. I could get over that as her little party will be at the weekend but it’s my last week of maternity leave and I had a little class I went to with her and her brother and I don’t want to miss the last one.

It’s not a good enough reason, is it? No other family who could go so he does want me there.

OP posts:
WoshPank · 15/05/2024 11:30

Dare I say it, interesting that the person expecting the other to do what they want is the male and the person who's feeling the other person's wants should override theirs is the female. Wonder if the male socialisation is relevant here?

Iloveacurry · 15/05/2024 11:32

He’s 45 years old and it’s 4th graduation. No I wouldn’t go if I was you.

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 11:32

No - he’s done an undergraduate degree, a nursing degree, an MSc and this is a further course with a qualification directly linked to employment, although I’m not sure he’ll be able to use that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 11:33

WoshPank · 15/05/2024 11:30

Dare I say it, interesting that the person expecting the other to do what they want is the male and the person who's feeling the other person's wants should override theirs is the female. Wonder if the male socialisation is relevant here?

It probably is to a large extent. I know after my mum died I seemed to have to step into that role even though I’m the younger sibling. But on occasion he’s been very kind and helpful. He’s a good person at heart just not got a very settled life hence why this matters to him I guess.

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 15/05/2024 11:34

But the two camps are interesting. I’m either a Bad Mum not prioritising my children or I am a Bad Sister with no respect for my brother.

I don't think you're Bad anything tbh.

Which ever you chose you're going to have unsettled feelings.

fruitbrewhaha · 15/05/2024 11:37

No don’t go. He should be old enough to understand. An hour for your PIL to come and collect your dd is a good enough reason. Just tell him it’s too difficult with childcare.

KomproMatilda · 15/05/2024 11:42

@Whitelilacs The fact that there are only the two of you does make your decision more important than it might be.

Yes, you have a partner, so may feel you need your brother less than he needs you. But life is long - and throughout it you’re each going to need the other to be a friend and support - in ways you can’t yet imagine. Someone asked what he does for you. I haven’t seen a specific answer, but you say he’s kind and helpful. That’s something you want to invest in, going forward. Truly.

insomniacalways · 15/05/2024 11:43

Don't go you have a one-year-old who will probably be very frustrated, cry and disrupt it so that is a good enough excuse to skip it.

MariaVT65 · 15/05/2024 11:49

I had to miss part of my DC1’s 1st birthday to go to funeral. It was no big deal. It was only part of the day and we still had a little celebration.

PurplePansy05 · 15/05/2024 11:53

OP, I wouldn't go. And I wouldn't expect you to come if it's a fourth graduation and your LO's 1st birthday plus end of mat leave as well. FWIW, I have a number of completed degrees and postgraduate courses. I would have been very cross with some of my family members if they didn't attend the first one. They did, but then my DM missed the second one (which also did mean a lot to me) and she didn't have a valid reason at all - it really annoyed me and we had a falling out. But the reason was she really had no excuse, unlike you. You have several valid reasons. I think it's too much to expect from you and I'd understand if you'd said you can't make it. Why not inviting him over for a celebration in the evening, nice food together, etc?

WoshPank · 15/05/2024 11:55

insomniacalways · 15/05/2024 11:43

Don't go you have a one-year-old who will probably be very frustrated, cry and disrupt it so that is a good enough excuse to skip it.

That's a good point.

Both of mine at that age would've been a pain in the arse, and unless I got lucky and they were asleep they'd probably end up having to be taken out anyway. Other varieties of 12 month old are of course available, but a person who's in sole charge of a presumably at least somewhat mobile baby can't guarantee their presence for the whole of a ceremony that will probably last at least an hour.

WhatNoRaisins · 15/05/2024 11:56

Am I right in thinking that your brother is a nice person but one who takes more than he gives?

I'd think long term about what's important in your life and how much of yourself you have to give. Your children need you to as does your partner and sometimes you need to prioritise your own needs. You're not letting your brother down by having other priorities and boundaries.

KomproMatilda · 15/05/2024 12:03

Your children need you to as does your partner and sometimes you need to prioritise your own needs. You're not letting your brother down by having other priorities

Remaining on the best possible terms with your only relative is a priority …

burnoutbabe · 15/05/2024 12:03

insomniacalways · 15/05/2024 11:43

Don't go you have a one-year-old who will probably be very frustrated, cry and disrupt it so that is a good enough excuse to skip it.

We had a smaa a child at our masters who cried a lot and a parent who didn't take them out particularly quickly (then was just other side of a door so we could all still here)
So yes, don't take a baby to a graduation ceremony.

DecoratingDiva · 15/05/2024 12:06

It’s his fourth graduation!

You really don’t need to be there, it’ll be just the same as the other three and I bet they were important at the time as well but fairly meaningless now.

WhatNoRaisins · 15/05/2024 12:07

KomproMatilda · 15/05/2024 12:03

Your children need you to as does your partner and sometimes you need to prioritise your own needs. You're not letting your brother down by having other priorities

Remaining on the best possible terms with your only relative is a priority …

It's not the only priority in the OPs life. Unequal relationships can be very difficult and it the OP becoming resentful won't help.

curiositykilledthiscat · 15/05/2024 12:08

Babies often attend graduation ceremonies and cry during them. It’s no big deal.

justasking111 · 15/05/2024 12:14

I had a one year old when my eldest graduated. I didn't go because it's a long day, you've got to get there , walk around the town/city, take pictures, get to the auditorium, find your seat. Clap for every student, wait for a glimpse of your brother crossing the stage, when it's all over listen to the Dean and other staff extolling the students. Find your way outside, wait for brother, then find somewhere that you booked well in advance to eat, then find your way home.

My son understood why I couldn't be there.

That baby will be completing his masters in 2026, I'll be 70. With my back and hip issues, I'll be missing that too.

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 12:14

KomproMatilda · 15/05/2024 12:03

Your children need you to as does your partner and sometimes you need to prioritise your own needs. You're not letting your brother down by having other priorities

Remaining on the best possible terms with your only relative is a priority …

He’s not my only relative. I have a husband and two children. I am his only relative.

There is no benefit to me to going but it’s hard to explain without knowing him. In some ways he is quite childlike and will have a childlike response to me not going. He wouldn’t tantrum or anything but I know he’d be really, genuinely gutted.

I agree with the points here. I know it’s ridiculous, even more so as it’s unlikely he’ll be able to use the qualification, but the point is he has a dream of how it will be which is his family cheering as he collects his certificate (well, he won’t even be doing that!) and I can’t give that to him but I can be there, the timing is just a bloody PITA.

OP posts:
KomproMatilda · 15/05/2024 12:16

Surely you realised I meant outside the family you’ve made?

Tbh your response has made my blood run cold. Don’t go if you so clearly despise him.

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 12:19

KomproMatilda · 15/05/2024 12:16

Surely you realised I meant outside the family you’ve made?

Tbh your response has made my blood run cold. Don’t go if you so clearly despise him.

Edited

I think my response is ‘what the hell’ Confused Did I accidentally include a still from a horror movie or something?

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 15/05/2024 12:24

You're taking your frustration out on posters here OP.

justasking111 · 15/05/2024 12:25

I interviewed a man early fifties great fit for the position I noticed he had various degrees. The job centre had sent him. Offered him the job on the spot. He thanked me. I thought that was it until the job centre contacted me, they were surprised I'd offered him the job.

Well curiosity piqued I phoned him. He apologised but said that he had been accepted at a university to do a graduate course. So he was going to Ireland.

KomproMatilda · 15/05/2024 12:26

This:

He’s not my only relative. I have a husband and two children. I am his only relative.

is horrifying. As if you’re a being from some infinitely superior planet …

WhatNoRaisins · 15/05/2024 12:26

Sorry I'm not getting what's horrifying here either.