To not want to go to my brothers graduation ceremony?

[Whitelilacs]

My brother is a bit of a perpetual student but this graduation means a lot to him.

However it’s on my daughter’s first birthday. I could get over that as her little party will be at the weekend but it’s my last week of maternity leave and I had a little class I went to with her and her brother and I don’t want to miss the last one.

It’s not a good enough reason, is it? No other family who could go so he does want me there.

No I wouldn’t be going. Graduations are mind numbing- I work in HE.

Your baby comes first, he needs to get over himself. Is he always so selfish?

He has nobody else to go with!

In the grand scheme of things your DC will not remember the 1st birthday or anything else around this time. But your bro will remember no one was there to see him graduate. Yes have a moan but go

We attended ds's on Monday, over 2 hours of non stop clapping, at one point I was clapping every other student as my arms are hurting. I noticed dh clapped every time ,afterwards he said it was for people who might not have anyone there and he thought that was really sad after such a massive achievement.

I think you'd be very cold not to go.

It's very freeing to stop doing things out of guilt, obligation, or worry about other's feelings ahead of your own.

You minimise regrets and decision-making is easy.

It is also more respectful of others because who wants to receive a half-hearted favour?

And no, it does not mean a life of selfishness, and no, the world does not stop turning because a woman ceased catering to the needs and wants of others ahead of her own.

You don't need to feel guilty if it is important for you to enjoy your baby girl on her birthday.

You can offer him a compromise - to come over for champagne and birthday cake after his ceremony, which has the added benefit of including all family members in the celebration of two special events.

Your daughter doesn't know what day her birthday is on. You could switch.

Especially as he has no one else.

So have a lot of overseas students if they wish to attend.

You don't go with someone to your own graduation. You sit with your classmates. OP would be sitting with random parents she doesn't know.

I wouldn't go. Babies probably aren't allowed anyway.

You could ask him to defer the graduation if he's that bothered.

I have 4 degrees too. The first graduation was significant. The others were a formality. Certainly wouldn't have expected anyone to come unless they actually wanted to.

There you go, it's his fourth degree fgs.

Bet he's writing his personal statement now for another university course. 3k words,

The horror! 😱

I don’t think you should go personally - it’s your DD’s 1st birthday. I know she won’t remember but she’ll definitely enjoy her baby class more than being dragged along to a graduation.

Can’t you just tell your DB you can’t get childcare?

Maybe invite him over for dinner to celebrate after?

I would invite him over afterwards for a joint birthday and graduation celebration instead.
Can you imagine a 1 year old sitting through 2 hours of clapping. It will not be a fun experience for either of you

How far away is it? Can you agree to go to the ceremony but not hang around before/afterwards so that you can take your baby to something nearby to celebrate their birthday?

FWIW I don't think you're a shit person if you don't go. It's possible to love and respect your brother, but not put your plans on hold for his fourth graduation ceremony! A first birthday is special, and like you say it kind of marks the end of this time you've had together. He might be gutted, but he has to appreciate that you have other things going on, even if he doesn't!

So her brother should realise why it’s hard for her to go and be gracious about it.

Agree.

First birthdays are celebrated for the parents sake, not the child's - they have no clue!

I'd go to the graduation personally

He’s been to others, he really doesn’t need to go. Only dickheads go to multiple graduations.

Said by the person with zero empathy and no understanding of higher education achievements.

What frustration? I’m sitting here eating a ham sandwich while DD naps. It’s mildly annoying that his graduation falls on the same day as DDs first birthday and the end of my maternity leave but it’s hardly a massive deal or anything.

It really isn’t horrifying to point out I have two children who are my family (and of course they are his but are too young to really be anywhere without me.) But in any case while this doesn’t apply to my brother it is very sinister to tell people they should put up with anything because of DNA. My brother is a troubled soul and in many ways life would be more straightforward without him. Meeting his needs and the needs of two little children AND a job that can be demanding albeit part time isn’t always easy, in all cases it is a ‘what best fits’ rather than ‘what’s the perfect solution.’

You don't go with someone to your own graduation.

You knew full well what I meant, with your four degrees and all.

I think whether or not other people would or wouldn’t want to go is beside the point. He wants to. He doesn’t want to celebrate in another way, he wants to graduate. Which is fine, but in many ways he’s very lucky it has been this year as quite honestly if I hadn’t been on maternity leave I wouldn’t have been able to go as it’s on a day I normally work. So life sometimes gets in the way.

He wants family there cheering him on.

Is he actually expecting you to stand up and whoop? How will your clapping make any difference in noise over the over1000 people.

I got a big clap when all the parents clapping realised -I was their age. People Clap more for the out of ordinary. (We clapped for everyone but it was a bit half hearted after the 300th!)

So he will get claps whether you are there or not.

He's 45 and it's his fourth degree? Haha fuck off. Some people didn't even go to their own first ceremony.

Your child's birthday is more important than this.

Haha that’s absolutely ridiculous, would I miss my child’s birthday a week before mat leave ending, to go to my brother’s 4th graduation? Obviously, no!
If he was especially needy like yours seems to be, he’d get a text saying “sorry can’t be there as it’s X’s birthday but congratulations. Pop over for some birthday tea afterwards!”
But sacrificing your child’s birthday for your 45 year old brother’s FOURTH graduation…..? Your priorities are very misplaced.

What frustration? I’m sitting here eating a ham sandwich while DD naps. It’s mildly annoying that his graduation falls on the same day as DDs first birthday and the end of my maternity leave but it’s hardly a massive deal or anything.

That's great . You've answered your own question then.

I couldn’t imagine not going because your baby is one. Especially as the party is on another day. Your baby won’t have a clue but if you leave your brother alone…I think you’d regret it. It’s not a case of guilt or resentment-it’s doing something which would mean a lot to your beloved family member.