Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

England is technically her home and where we will all end up eventually

With all due respect OP, is this how she feels or are you projecting these thoughts on to her? You say you want her to identify as British. Identity is not something others decide for you.

As a child raised by immigrant parents who made sure we were well integrated in the local culture but kept talking about “home” and how we really belonged to X country instead, I can see this pattern in your posts too.

If she’s never lived in England, or left when she was still little, chances are she won’t identify as British. I had uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents in my parents’ country of origin and believe me, I tried to feel that identity that my parents kept talking about. But I just didn’t. I was not from that place, never will be.

Your daughter has already suffered enough upheaval. She’s already had so much change in her life. Why uproot her from her home? From the country and the people that she presumably identifies with, and feel safe around? Of course she’ll be speaking the local languages with people in her life.

I’m fluent in my parents’ mother tongue, have a lot of appreciation for my cultural background and how that’s shaped me. But I am 100% from the country I was born in and actually grew up in. I don’t think in the language, I don’t think of my parents’ culture as “home” in any way, shape or form.

As an expat now myself, I do get how much “home” means to you, as in the UK. It’s the same for me. However I’ve learnt from personal experience that I cannot pass this on to my children, if I choose to raise them somewhere else. Chance are they’ll feel X, if they grow up in X country. It’s not a bad thing and doesn’t say anything about them not appreciating / knowing their origins.

All of this.

The big downside of course will be moving her away from her father, her mother, her sister and her fathers partner who appears to be acting as a step mum to her

I'm not sure she will agree that a grandmother and an aunt make up for that

Is your ex planning on also moving to England? You didn't say. Or are you planning on moving your daughter away from her residential parent permanently

Can you not see how cruel your plan is?

You just keep chatting to her. Even when the response is total apathy. Keep going. Keep cheerful. Keep positive. Keep interested in her. Apathy and eye rolls are pretty standard tween and teen fare btw. She's probably the same to her dad.)

Well not sending her to another country will be a good start

In seriousness though you may have to accept that your relationship has changed and may take time (even years) to get to a place that you want it to be. Unfortunately divorce can have that effect on children and their anger may be misplaced if they don’t know the full reasons for the breakup, which they shouldn’t.

You just need to keep doing what you are doing so she sees that you are still present even if she is not appreciative of it now. That will be hard but not as hard as having a daughter who will grow up feeling she was abandoned to a boarding school when she was happy where she was

Thank you

Thank you. It’s hard to just keep doing more of the same when I feel like it’s deteriorating all the time though

Thanks for this insight

I'm not anti boarding necessarily, but my DS's prep school - where about a third of the boys leave at 13+ for boarding - emphasise strongly that it has to be the child that chooses boarding. Even those children can find the adjustment tough; for children who don't want to go, it is very often a failure. And that's even though most kids start with flexi-boarding where they come home every weekend to their parents, which won't be an option here (maybe you are thinking flexible boarding with weekends at grandparents or an aunt or similar, but that's still just another place that isn't your daughter's own home).

If you are seriously considering boarding, you and your ex H need to take DD to see the school and talk to her about it and get her involved in the decision-making process.

Out of curiosity, how serious is your ex DH's relationship with his new GF? Sounds like it would be very upsetting for your DD if they broke up.

Start by NOT shipping her off to boarding school for one...

That will damage your relationship with her forever.

To be perfectly honest I’m not sure what X’s longterm plan is now but it always had been to return to England. Schools for our daughters would always be something we’d choose together. I’ve never had any intention of doing anything we didn’t agree on.

I just don't understand why both you and your ex allow weekends with you to be optional. Can't you agree that she stays with you every other weekend and that's that? She's only 11!

But you do seem to think your daughter wouldn't want this at the moment

And your motivation seems to be jealousy that she's getting along with another woman better than you rather than because it will make her happy, or give her a better education

This seems like an incredibly unhealthy way to make a decision like this

That’s another concern of mine. They seemed to get serious quite fast- she has met the entire family, dd has met her parents and brother, she is enmeshed in the friend group….but she is ten years younger. It is a worry that dd has got so attached.

But your daughter is happy. I get it that you're not happy with the relationship you have with her right now but sending her away is probably the worst thing you could do.

You don't know that she would love the boarding school. She probably won't. She is happy in Spain and is enjoying living with her dad. Leave her be. Just keep talking to her. Keeping being there.

Many teenagers go through a grumpy, angry phase. And it's usually the ones they really love that get it with both barrels. Deep down she knows you love her unconditionally so she can treat you as she chooses. Sending her away to boarding school gives her the message that you don't love her unconditionally.

If you really want to rebuild your relationship with her you need to keep her close not send her away. I'm not saying you need to be her punchbag but you just need to keep the channels of communication open.

OP you simply will not take on board what is being said to you. Your ex's sister is not your daughters mum either, you seem hell bent on farming her off on others when she's your responsibility & your ex's, no one else's.

You are coming across as very cold about this, maybe it's something you need help? I've no idea, but with each post this situation just gets sadder & sadder.

For a while we did but she has stopped simply huffing about it and started actively refusing. X will ultimately give in to her for an easy life and she knows it but I also didn’t see the point in fighting with her about it and giving her something else to be angry at me about. I don’t want seeing me to be a chore for her and I hoped in time she’d choose it herself. If she didn’t think the gf was more fun I think she might have opted to spend at least weekends with us by now

It sounds like you are looking for a quick fix to the uncomfortable situation you’re in, but as everyone has said the ‘fix’ you’re thinking of is likely to be more of a final straw that damages your relationship forever. It’s normal for adolescent girls to ‘hate’ their mum for a while, the only way out is through and that means being a constant, boundaried but unselfish, presence in her life. As an adult you have to recognise that the jealousy of the gf is your own issue to deal with, however hard that is or however justified it feels. Allowing her to see it is only going to worsen the dynamic between all of you. Trying to interfere with it, especially by turning her life upside down again, will probably put paid to ever having any closeness with her again.

No someone asked about X’s family. Just explaining that they also live close by in England and that dd is close to them

Like @SummerInSun , I can see some benefits to boarding, but 11 is too young imo and it has to be the child's own choice. Boarding is a poor substitute for a loving family life. In my experience, it works best for confident children with a stable, happy home life and a strong sense of self who want to access opportunities (sporting/educational etc.) that might not be available elsewhere. I would never send a child to a boarding school to be "fixed". They're not therapeutic institutions and they do a poor job at this.

OP, I think you need to take a cold, hard look at what exactly you offer your DD at the moment and what benefits you bring to her life. I think you may be over-prioritising the importance of her relationship with you and under-prioritising other factors (like her stable home with her dad and partner) that are important to her wellbeing. As parents, we don't have rights only responsibilities and we can only claim space in our children's lives to the extent that it is beneficial for them.

This is the part you have to stand your ground on, rather than making some mad plan to remove her from them altogether. Tell her you love her and she’s your child and that it’s important to keep spending time together. If you can give her some choices within that then do, but your ex needs to step up and be on your side that every other weekend is spent with you.

Why can’t she just got to a regular day school?

This thread is horrible. Poor girl. Perhaps start putting your daughter first. Get a job in one place. Let her have a home and stability and stop projecting ‘she will love it’. She may well not and 11 is so little still. Sending her to boarding school to get her away from her dad and a woman you are jealous of - poor poor girl.

That won’t happen. We’ve come a long way since the darkest days of our divorce and for the whole family’s sake don’t want to go back there. X and dd1 have a closeness that’s lovely but they’re the same person in so many ways you won’t convince either of them that the other could ever put a foot wrong.

You keep on saying she refuses to come on weekends- and spending time w friends/ activities is something a girl her age would prioritize.
Have you tried taking her out for dinner/ something she enjoy one on one a couple of times during the week? do you go to see her at her activities?
It looks like you’re doing barely the bare minimum, it’s not working so looking for a ‘quick fix’ that isn’t work in any shape or form to strengthen your relationship.