Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

England is technically her home and where we will all end up eventually, just now sure exactly when. I hope to move back to the area where the school is in time for younger dd to join her there

None of that impacts the effect that being moved away from the relative stability she has now found - and in fact chosen herself - will have on her.

It's noticeable that your reply isn't really a reply at all, but just some information that is related but has no bearing on how this will affect your DD's actual experience of being moved to BS.

Thank you. I have tried to arrange weekends with her but she just wants to be with her friends and doing her various activities. I know my x encouraged if not forced her to come to us on Saturday nights (probably for a break too) but has given up now and left it up to her.

What I failed to explain is that while it is a boarding school it’s also a stones throw from lots of my family so she’d be with them a lot. It’s where I hope to resettle too before too long so it will be home.

You are doing this purely out of jealousy and it is quite frankly despicable. You say she is unsettled yet you choose to unsettle her further by moving her away from the people she is closest too to a boarding house with strangers. Just because you have family there doesn't mean anything when you are in boarding. Any chances you have of mending your relationship will be destroyed and you'll only have yourself to blame

What I failed to explain is that while it is a boarding school it’s also a stones throw from lots of my family so she’d be with them a lot. It’s where I hope to resettle too before too long so it will be home.

Will it feel like home to your DD? You're just trying to justify your decision with facts and opinions that make you feel comfortable about it. Possibly none of this will mean much to your DD.

Yet again you still don't mention the impact it will have on your daughter. I feel like you can't accept the fact your daughter is genuinely happy where she is

England is technically her home and where we will all end up eventually, just now sure exactly when. I hope to move back to the area where the school is in time for younger dd to join her there

Yes, you might end up in England eventually but your daughter may end up staying in Spain. She can speak the language so why would she be desperate to move away and back to England where she hasn't been for some time?

I don’t think she is genuinely happy tbh. I think she’s going through life changes and puberty and this is a really key time in forming her identity. I want to identify as British rather than Spanish, to identify as part of the family she belongs to and to have stability regardless of our jobs and relationships

From what you've said, I think if you go ahead with this there is a good chance that your relationship with her will never recover. It's such a damaging thing to do: to remove her from the dad she has chosen to live with. She may never forgive you.

You seem to have very little insight into her best interests or your own motivations.

OP sending your DD to boarding school would be the very last thing I would consider in your situation. Learn Catalan and leave her where she is happy.

You don’t have regular face to face contact with your 11 year old daughter. Whatever she/ your ex/ your ex’s girlfriend is up to, start there. You’re an adult and a parent and you need to work out a way to fix that as soon as you can, not send your DD to another country.
When you say she’s different with us - who is us, what are the dynamics at your home?

Sorry to be harsh but stop being selfish! Don't send her away from her dad because you're jealous. Work on rebuilding your relationship with her. She's a child that obviously has a warm heart and is as bright as a button, work on your time with her and stop thinking about her time with others.

You want to move her to a different country two years earlier than planned because basically yin can't stand the relationship she has with your ex's new partner?!!?!

Please don't ruin your relationship with your daughter.

What does your ex and gf think about this idea? Is this just you trying to move your DD away from them rather than being a shared decision in what's the best interest for the DD? Tbh if you've had a separation and moved abroad that's already been alot of upheaval for a child in their puberty years. I would be thinking about how you can work with your DD and ex to continue to make her feel safe and settled and rebuild the relationship up. Not moving her again.

Read your last post back to yourself out loud 'I want' - this should not be about what you want it should be about what is best for your daughter.

I went to boarding school (military parent) and although it suited me I know people who were traumatised by the whole experience. They felt abandoned by their parents (even if there was family nearby) and some have never recovered from that. You are likely to push your daughter further away not bring her closer.

I can imagine it must be very difficult to realise that your DD doesn't want to live with you or even spend time with you. But the answer to that is not to yank her away from her dad and the life she has now.

Would you consider therapy with someone who specialises in family dynamics? It might help you to clarify your motivations and how to start working towards creating a healthy relationship with your DD.

I did expect that people would think I was being rash or unreasonable in sending her as soon as next year (I think boarding schools are always a controversial topic too) but I’m a little taken aback by how strongly people clearly feel.

if anyone has been in a situation with an adolescent and a divorce like this I’d appreciate advice. She’s changing so much and so rapidly that I feel like she’s going to become a total stranger to me if I don’t rescue it.

Well she will become a complete stranger if you send her away!

She’s changing so much and so rapidly that I feel like she’s going to become a total stranger to me if I don’t rescue it.

I am quoting my suggestion on how to rescue things. Leave her where she is and seriously try to improve your own understanding through therapy.

I went to boarding school (many years ago), and of the kids who were there with me, two distinctly unhappy kids stand out. both had parent going through a messy divorce / unstable home life / not knowing where they belong. the boarding school is NOT fix that - it made it worse.

you need to meet your DD where she is and become part of her life. Can you meet her once a month (more if possible) for a full day that you spend time with her and integrate in her life. don't just swoop in like a disney parent, but listen to her and ask her how she wants to connect with her English family.

We did try therapy but she is incredibly like my x who was also totally resistant to it and hated every second of it. The only time she opens up is when we are doing something active together but she won’t do anything with me now

Have you tried therapy for just the two of you? Without the ex

if anyone has been in a situation with an adolescent and a divorce like this I’d appreciate advice. She’s changing so much and so rapidly that I feel like she’s going to become a total stranger to me if I don’t rescue it.

Omg, so sending her to a boarding school where you never see her is going to rescue that, is it?

Bloody hell I would do anything to ensure my children’s happiness and if that meant them living with another woman who they love then so be it.

How can some mothers be so incredibly selfish? It actually blows my mind.

Also, have you spoken to the ex and gf about how you feel? Do they understand that you feel pushed out? Would they support you sending her away?

No, you go to therapy.

This is what I suggested:

Would you consider therapy with someone who specialises in family dynamics? It might help you to clarify your motivations and how to start working towards creating a healthy relationship with your DD.

No mention of your DD needing therapy.

I’d be a bit concerned. For an older stable and happy child who wants to board and potentially flexi-boards, maybe moving from a day pupil to a boarding pupil with the same friends, it’s a different situation. In that situation, the reality of never really having privacy or downtime can still be very hard.

In this situation, your dd has communicated through her ‘off the rails’ behaviour that she found the situation emotionally difficult to process. Putting her through another big change doesn’t seem sensible. English boarding schools are not idylls. There are still opportunities to break the rules, be exposed to drugs and drink and experience poor mental health. She’s likely to lack the time to switch off and process her grief of the loss of the previous family situation or the more recent loss of her friends (they often literally set up timetables to avoid down time for newbies). She may not want to follow the rules when there and things can get missed. The adults there, as much as they care, are not loving parents. There aren’t the same opportunities for relaxed chats with mums and dads where children can seek a bit of regular informal guidance or just a hug when needed.

She seems to be trying to create her own stability and, personally, I’d see removing that by sending her to boarding school as something that communicates to her that she’s powerless - just as she was when you and her father split. I think it sounds like she’s currently found something that’s working on some level for her, though it must be really hard as her mum to experience that. I don’t doubt she’ll come back to rebuild your relationship in future years - teens are all about breaking away from parents after all - but I do think just seeing her as often as you can, chatting as often as you can and still being mum is the key thing, while supporting her in what she feels she needs for as long as she’s doing well there. I think to move her now could be catastrophic and, whether it brings you closer short term, would probably end up having the opposite effect long term.