Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

Does DD want to go to a British boarding school?

Your answer to your DD finding some stability and happiness with her dad and his girlfriend is to move her away from them, abroad?

We’ve mentioned it as something that would likely happen when she’s older but I know if I told her right now that she was going next year she’d hate the idea but I also know she’d eventually love it there.

Is it the “right” time for your DD or for you? She sounds happy, but honestly you sound a bit jealous of her relationship with the GF.

So she’s happy and settled but you want her to go somewhere that she’d hate, just to get her away from the gf?! Really?
What does her dad think about your idea?

am I misunderstanding this? You think sending her to boarding school will help fix your relationship..? It will split her up from the ex’s nice GF but it won’t help you stay close to her - the opposite I would suggest

England is technically her home and where we will all end up eventually, just now sure exactly when. I hope to move back to the area where the school is in time for younger dd to join her there

Which country will you be living in OP?
Unless your DD is desperate to go to boarding school, it feels extreme to send her to another country if you don’t have to.

Yes, traumatising her by sending her away to boarding school is definitely the answer here.

And what family connections do you have that could magically get her a place? Don’t boarding schools have waiting lists?

This can ‘t be real? You’re not going to improve your relationship with your daughter by sending her hundreds of miles away against her wishes.

This sounds like the plot of a 2003 Disney family movie. It probably had Lindsey Lohan in.

Don't send her to boarding school, save the money for her therapist.

I'll admit I struggle to understand anyone who has children then sends them away to be raised institutionally. I know so many people damaged by this system.

Your lack of compassion for your own child and your selfishness and jealousy may be why you don't have a great relationship!

Your relationship with your DD is struggling, you're growing apart. She's found some stability with her dad and because you're jealous of that you want to send her away to yet another new school in another country?

Can't quite see how you think that will repair your relationship with her?

Just how do you envisage it will save your relationship given that she'll be in a different country from you? Surely you'd be wanting to keep her as near to you as possible?

Your poor daughter. This is absolutely awful to read.
You want to take her away from people she chose to live with and loves and have her brought up in an institution?
Are you ok?

This made me laugh! I’m on another thread at the moment that sounds like the plot of Mean Girls. Must be Lindsay Lohan appreciation day or something.

Will you still be living near the ex or moving away?
Surely the best thing for your DD is for you to continue to live near her and see her a lot? Tricky if you have to move away for work reasons, but otherwise, you’d be better off staying nearby and developing your relationship with your DD.

I wouldn’t describe her as settled at all. She took the break up very badly and went a bit off the rails (I think because it all collided with puberty and hormones and all of that stuff for her too) but somehow grew closer to my x and distant from me. She is totally different with us. I admit I do think in the longterm we have a better chance of rebuilding our bond if she is in England and close to my family and where I’ll be than in Spain but it also is about giving her stability because a lot about our lives is still in transition here.

I can see why you’re upset at how your relationship with DD is going but don’t think sending her to boarding school early will improve matters.
We move between the UK and Spain, I think an international school is a great option and consider boarding school later if the children want it.

You could possibly arrange some weekends with DD but accept that the tricky adolescent period has started. The new girlfriend may be new and exciting but you are and will always be her mum.

How could you think that this will possibly benefit your daughter?

It’s not some awful place! Don’t think institution does it justice and she’s been raised in a very loving home and is now almost a teenager. I know she’d love it there and it was on the cards eventually anyway just not for another year or two

I admit I do think in the longterm we have a better chance of rebuilding our bond if she is in England and close to my family

She'd almost certainly become closer to your family, assuming they'll have her for exeats. But I can't see how that would
Mean she'd be closer to you. Osmosis maybe?

This.