Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

Was thinking exactly the same.

The majority of posters haven't commented on the boarding aspect per se. The comments are because you think this is the solution to mending your relationship - delegating it to your UK family. The way to fix your relationship is to work bloody hard and focus on what she wants, on what is best for her. And that is probably staying in Spain and embracing her Spanish identity.

You should also think very seriously about your plans to return to the UK. Staying and ensuring she has stability where she is - I assume your ex now plans to stay given the Spanish gf - is far better than taking her from the only stability she currently has.

It's not her home if she doesn't live there and you aren't with her dad anymore so can't say what he and his new partner will choose to do

Thank you. I do appreciate that considered advice. Sending them to school in England was always our plan eventually but I do agree that timing is key

You could start by reading this, OP:

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-will-Listen/dp/1853408573

How will sending her to boarding school in an entirely different country "rescue" the relationship??

I’ve read back through the thread but can’t find your answer to the question I’ve asked twice now - what does he dad think to this idea? Surely without his agreement this is all a moot point as you would be able to send her without his consent?

So you daughter doesn't want to live with you and you think the best thing to do is to send her even further away?

I can't see this working well for your daughter.

Incidentally, I don't know anyone who went to boarding school that hasn't been negatively impacted by it in some way.

Its not the case that I never see her. I do collect her along with her sisters from school, ferry her places during the week and I do go to any competitions/events she has during the week etc but given the choice she chooses to spend time with the new gf even if they’re not doing anything (she has about a million photographs of them just sitting around pulling faces or doing silly dances). Up until recently the gf kept her distance but now she comes to things for dd too which on the one hand is nice but is also (selfishly) infuriating for me I have to be honest.

Her Dad may well now stay in Spain. It is currently her home and where she wishes to be. If you remove her from that she may well end up hating you so much she never has anything to do with you again.
She is currently happy with her Dad and if you respect that and keep communication with her open and loving she will sooner or later regain a good relationship with you.

Have you actually asked your daughter what she wants? Does she know the plan is eventually to put her into boarding school and if she does what does she think about that?

She sounds happy, why would you want to change that? Especially because it sounds like the only reason is because you are jealous.

Your daughter has been through a lot with the divorce, my parents one was really hard on me. The last thing I'd have needed would to be put into boarding school, especially after I was just starting to get settled.

I've known multiple people go to boarding school and the vast majority of the ones I know hated it. I know it is good for some but it doesn't sound like right now that is the best thing for your daughter.

this is a really key time in forming her identity. I want to identify as British rather than Spanish, to identify as part of the family she belongs to and to have stability

You don’t get to decide how your daughter identifies. If she wants to consider herself Spanish, that’s up to her.

Her relationship with you is already fractured to the point where she doesn’t want to live with you, and you seem to think the way to win her back is to send her away to boarding school where she’ll be away from the parent she chose to live with and where she is starting to settle, to make her live near your family because you want to make her into someone you want her to be. You are beyond misguided and you sound like an absolute narcissist. You talk about her as she’s a difficult pony you want to send away for training to make her into a suitable pet for you.

You keep saying you ‘know she will love it’ but it’s abundantly clear that you don’t know your daughter at all. It’s genuinely chilling to read your posts and I can absolutely see why your relationship with your daughter is broken.

She’s 11 years old. Just let her settle with her dad. Uprooting her and sending her to board, spending all week away from anyone who loves her, with the consolation prize of seeing some of her British relatives at weekends, would be an awful, awful thing to do. Let her be happy and have a shred of understanding.

It was always our longterm plan but think response to suggestion to send her sooner could go either way really.

Then maybe the first step is to talk to him?

You keep saying she will be near your family but she is already with her family - with her dad

You would be very cruel to pull her from that just to serve your own feelings

How do you know she will love it? Even if you went there, I don’t think you have said so making the assumption from your posts, if doesn’t mean she will

She is already going through major changes, some caused by you and your ex and some hormonal, why would you actively want to unsettle her more?

She doesn’t live with you but you sound confident that if you say “I want” then it will happen. What if she wants to stay in Spain with her dad? Just because you’ve always thought that would happen it doesn’t mean that it has to.

Yes that’s my plan, we need to get paperwork done by June if she is to get a place for next year, but I'm apprehensive about it because a)I'm not sure if it’s the right decision myself and b) I'm not sure how best to pitch it

I'm at a total loss at your logic. For me this post & your updates rank among the bleakest & saddest things I've read on here. Someone else is mothering your daughter &, as hard as that is to accept, the answer will never be to shove her off to a different country to boarding school.

If you think there's damage being done by all the moving - stop doing it. Change your job - if you can afford a boarding school in the UK you can afford to reorganise your world to stay where you are & free up time for her so you can be mum too.

Sure it can work for some families but it's not for yours & right now your daughter sounds like an inconvenience to you & your job/life.

You cannot begrudge the gf for stepping up when you appear to have stepped back & are even thinking of pushing her away even further.

Essentially this exact thing happened to my DH & no, no it does not fix anything & just makes it all worse. The family in the UK won't pick up the slack cos you won't parent yourself, they just won't.

Focus on your daughter right now, her needs, right now.

Taking her away from her friends sounds far from ideal, in particular - if your aim is to build the relationship - to send her to a place where you don't live.

You don't send a child who is struggling away from where she is safe and has indicated her preference.

All of your text references your wants, for her to be with your family, for her to identify as English. You don't seem to understand she may always identify as Spanish of her formative years, life changing events took place.

I would not initiate another change and would invest in restoring your relationship. I would predict boarding school in UK will drive a final nail in that coffin.

How do you mother someone who has decided they don’t want to be mothered by you anymore though?

Im not perfect by any means and I take my share of responsibility for the break up and how things were handled but I’m not such a terrible mother either- my youngest daughter is my shadow

You are not the resident parent so you may not get permission to rip her from her loving home.

From reading the thread, you only seem to want to send her to stop the closeness with the gf. It's the most insane logic.

How in God's name can you possibly know that she will 'love it' there??

Can't believe what I'm reading here tbh

It’s not something that would happen unless we both agreed as parents it was the best thing to do.

Jeez, poor kid...