Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

The only hope you have of rescuing the situation is to try everything you can to build a relationship with her NOW. Sending her to boarding school will likely have the opposite outcome and forever.

You said that this was always the plan, I am assuming that's when you and your ex were together. You obviously aren't anymore, things change and that may not be want he wants for your daughter anymore.

As someone who was raised in boarding school... don't do it. You don't know she would love it there at all. I cried myself to sleep most nights for probably 4 years.
She's happy. Let her be happy. Make the effort to do special things with her instead of destroying any relationship she has with someone that isn't you.

Weird that youl let your child decide not to see you at all off her own back and you just stay away, but yet you are willing to force her to go to boarding school without her say so. Focus on fixing your own mistakes rather than making more.

She doesn’t want to build a relationship with me now though. She might I hope in a few years but right now she wants to be with her friends and my x’s new gf

So let her do that then.

I don’t just stay away. I see her when I can but I’m not going to break down the door of my x’s apartment every weekend and drag her out. I thought her decision to stay with x fulltime would be temporary and that she’d at least miss her sisters if not me but she is stubborn and also thinks the sun shines out of the new gf.

I think you really do need to heed the pretty unanimous feedback you're getting here, most of which will come from parents. If this deadline is in June, you need to accept that this plan isn't viable, at least for now. It sounds like your daughter is settling after an extremely rough time. She's sought and found comfort with her dad and his partner. While I completely get that, as a mother, that must be incredibly hard for you, tearing her away from her support network - that she has chosen - will be the nail in the coffin for your relationship. If you're willing to do that to make yourself feel more comfortable, so be it, but your daughter is likely to never like or trust you again. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think you need to be prepared.

So you can move back to England so your youngest is in Boarding school with you near but the eldest should be sent off there alone because she likes Dad's girlfriend.

It's quite a normal part of adolescence to want to distance from parents and prefer spending time with friends.

Tbh I was under the impression you never saw her, but you say you pick her up from school and take her to extra curriculars every week. So you do see her. You can chat to her about her day, her friends, her sports, her activities, which friends she is seeing at the weekend. You actually have a huge opportunity here - most parents say their most meaningful conversations are when taxiing their kids! Any interest you show in her life is relationship building.

Yeah jealousy isn’t a good enough reason to send her away though. You need to let her be settled and just keep working at fixing your problem here

That's fine. You send the odd text/meme/FaceTime. Give her the sense that you're always there for you. Find out her interests and suggest a related activity/outing together. Be patient. She'll make her way back to you slowly. But if you send her to boarding school, I don't think there's any coming back from that.

I'm not.sure how you can possibly think the solution to her not being close enough to you is to remove her from the country you are in and away from the people she is close to

there's an awful lot about how your family lives in England and how you can move there. What about your ex? Does he plan to move to England, where is his family?

She’s changing so much and so rapidly that I feel like she’s going to become a total stranger to me if I don’t rescue it

And you think your relationship will be closer if you send her to boarding school in another Country?

The mind boggles. If this is real, poor kid. I hope her dad puts his foot down and keeps her with them, for her sake.

...take her a favourite snack sometimes at pick up etc. sometimes being a parents is giving 150% effort when you get 0% back.

Your DD struggled with you and her dad separating but now she is settled and happy.
And you want to put an end to that happiness because she gets on with the gf better than with you ?

I wonder why ? Says it all really. You’ve even admitted that you’re jealous !
If anything it will further damage your relationship with DD as she’ll know you’re the one who tore her away to live amongst strangers.

Dd very close to both sides of the family- all live fairly within fairly close proximity in England. She’s especially close to my mum and to x’s youngest sister (we found out a lot from her that dd wouldn’t tell us but would tell her) who visits a lot and speaks to her most days so being able to see her even more regularly in person would be a big positive for her in moving to England

I can’t imagine why…

This feels truly awful to me. I'm afraid that your daughter has found someone else who can meet her needs better than you can, and I think you probably need to find a therapist who can help you to meet your own without your daughter's help.

I do try but honestly a lot of days it’s like I’m a stranger to her. She’d be more engaged and polite to a stranger if anything. She deviates between anger towards me (occasional) and total antipathy to me (typical).

But they're not her parents. You don't like it but she's happy with her Dad. You want to send her off to see her aunt and nan occasionally instead of being part of the family she is settled in.
You can afford private school, surely you can afford to get a job that gives your kids stability without sending them away. Even when you move to England you're not talking about them becoming day pupils.

Leave the child alone. She is happy where she is. Your marriage separation is the issue here- this is the consequence. Moving her would be another shitty thing to happen.

Our marriage isn’t going to ever be repaired though- x and I are in a relatively good place now though- so how do I repair the relationship with dd when I can’t turn back the clock?

You don't know that she would love the school, you just don't. You can't. And trying to impose a British identity on her is for you, not her.

Your relationship certainly won't improve by sending her further away from you, and depriving her of the relationship with the girlfriend which seems to be good from what you've said.

It all seems to be about you and what you want, and not your daughter. Acting like that is not being a good parent.

How much of her life has she spent abroad?

I ask this because I've worked in several international schools. There were many families / students who felt their children were still very British / French or whatever. In reality when they tried to move home it became clear that it wasn't home.

Your daughter is an international student - she may choose never to live in England again.