Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

This 100% - with kindness OP you are totally missing the point. Its not all about you and what you want! If she is happy with her Dad and is safe then why can’t she stay there- she is already telling you something with her not wanting to see you at weekends- listen to her, and engage her in a way that is based on her likes. Is she at her Dads as he won’t send her to boarding school??

Your dd is happy where she is, don’t spoil it. Instead take your DD out for adventures and activities she would enjoy. Have fun together

sending a child away from their family to a different country for education, I’m sorry but no, cruel , what’s the point of having children if you don’t spend time with them, change your job if you move round loads, put your child’s emotional well-being first, I know friends who boarded- they are now not close to their parents at all and resent being sent so young away from home, couldn’t this cause more issues with your relationship with your daughter?- wouldn’t she blame you for taking her away from her life in Spain

This! I know many people who've been to boarding school and they are all damaged in one way or another by it. They're often very emotionally stunted.

Op you come across horribly in this post. This is a way to damage your daughter for life, and ruin your relationship forever. You sound selfish, jealous, callous and cold.

Posts like these do make me wonder why some people ever have children.

I don’t really understand how you’ve got into a situation where your 11 year old no longer wants to spend time with you. She’s 11! You should be her absolute constant, the most important presence in her life. How has this actually got to this stage?

And fwiw you’re being…awful. I hope your ex tells you where to go.

That's a horrible idea. I don't know if you are intentionally lying to everyone or if you genuinely believe what you are saying, but everyone can see that sending your daughter away is not about building your relationship with her. You're only doing it because you want to separate her from a woman who she adores because of jealousy and fear.

Ending her family setup again will just traumatise her further, and she might never forgive you. This child wants and needs stability with her family. Not to be shipped off to be near relatives in another country.

"How do you mother someone who has decided they don’t want to be mothered by you anymore though?"

HiOP, in response to this question from you I thought a couple of key things about child development/psychology which seem relevant:

• the teen years have an important process known as individuation. It involves, among other things, pushing parents away. The best thing a parent can do in response is to remain steadfast and present, to be pushed again and again. It is hard, of course, especially in your situation. But by remaining solid for her she will come back to you, and she can repair the emotional insecurity caused by the moving and divorce. She knows deep down your love is unconditional so she can push you away, so it would be unwise to send her away at this delicate stage.

• children think they like to be in charge of their lives and make big decisions for them selves. But that power in itself is very destabilising and scary. They need the grownups to be in charge and hold the boundaries about big decisions such as where they live. Maybe 50/50 was too disruptive, but holding firmer boundaries around her spending appropriate time with both parents is yours and x decision. Not hers. She may push against it initially if you insist, it actually you are clearly demonstrating that you want her close and that the grownups are looking after her best interests. Again, over time this will lead to her feeling more secure.

What was your life like at her age? This can be useful to reflect on to see if you are bringing some of your teen angst into the situation. Philippa Perry's book is useful for understanding this stuff. 'The book you wish your parents had read' is the title.

This doesn't sound like a good idea to me OP. I'm no expert, but the children of a relative of mine were sent to boarding school when their parents' divorced, at a little older than your DD. I do believe that their mother genuinely believed she was doing the right thing. It was a very acrimonious divorce and she thought that they would be better off in a stable environment away from all the unpleasantness and that she was protecting them. What they thought though is that she was sending them away to prevent them having contact with their father and that she was rejecting them too. It's a good few years ago now but they have a very difficult relationship with their mother which I think is probably irreparable now.
Of course your situation is different but I think your daughter might feel the same - that she is being prevented from seeing her Dad but that you don't actually want her either. I can kind of see what you're thinking but I think it is a fundamentally bad idea to send a child already traumatised by her parents' divorce to a different country where she has neither parent accessible. No matter how good the school and how helpful the extended family they are still not a replacement for Mum and Dad.

I couldn't have put this any better. I feel so sorry for your poor daughter. I think your plan will have the opposite effect on her - if you tear her away from her father and his partner, but more so her friends, she will resent you for the rest of her life.

I made a dreadful mistake with my child. I did genuinely think I was doing the right thing for them. They thought very differently and they were right. It took me years of walking on eggshells to rebuild that relationship. I have done it but it was insanely hard and painful and took years and until they were in their twenties. I think they now understand that I was genuinely concerned for them. I don't think your daughter will ever believe sending her away early, away from a place she is happy, was done for her benefit. Sure you might get her away from the girlfriend but she is likely to hate you for it.

You don't know that she would eventually * * love it there.
Your daughter has gone through a divorce, has opted to live with her Dad and seems to have transferred her affection to the GF. And you think sending her abroad will sort it all out.

It is far more likely that she will refuse to go and try and enlist her father and the gf to help her stay. Trying to force her to go will increase the distance between you. If you succeed in sending her away it will open up a chasm between you that may never close.

I am not unsympathetic to your situation. You have separated from your husband (was the gf the cause?) and now it feels as if you are losing your daughter to her as well. They get on and everything is rosy for them.

It is easy to get on with a child who is doubtless on her best behaviour. See what happens when the gh has to cope with teen stroppiness. You are the mother here and you know your girl and how to handle her. The gf doesn't. You daughter will come back to you as she will resent the gf telling her how to behave and what to do. 'You're not my mother' she'll inevitably say..

It's time for a waiting game. Stay civil as if you don't mind what's happening. Keep communications open. Wait for the first conflicts to happen. And don't send your daughter away.

OP if she's seeing you regularly through the week, you are already maintaining your relationship. If she feels safe enough with you to give you the standard teen antipathy and attitude, you are maintaining the relationship. If she feels she has agency about when and where to see you, you are maintaining the relationship.

If she feels like she gets punished by you for not doing 'daughtering' properly, by being sent away from you and her sister and father, I fear you will be doing the opposite of maintaining your relationship.

Thanks

I’d planned to discuss this with x tonight but going to hold off now. Everyone seems pretty unanimous that it could do d more harm than good so I need to think about it a lot more, thank you to many of you for the constructive advice. I think I’ve been influenced by family too (both mine and x’s) who seem to think the solution to all our problems (marital, parental, personal) is just to go home to England.

Anyone with any advice on having the conversation with x about navigating things a bit better for all of us but not also making things worse much appreciated.

Speaking as someone in my twenties who was recently a teenager, the best thing my parents ever did was to be a constant presence in my life when I was a moody, bratty and horrible teenager. There were times where I had big fights with my mum and at 17 managed to go two months without speaking despite living in the same house. My dad never drew the same level of anger - I think that’s pretty common for teenage girls. My mum was always there for me in spite of that. This has given me a very strong sense of security as an adult (and obviously did as a teenager). I have many lovely close friends but now I’m out of my teen years my mum is the person I’m closest to in my life and the person I speak to everyday. I’m grateful she kept trying when I was acting out.

Separately, even if boarding school was once the plan, plans change. I’m sure you never planned to divorce. I think that because of the divorce you should really reconsider eventually sending your DD to boarding school given the difficulty she must have found the divorce. Being a loving stable parent in her life will be the best thing you can do for her.

I think you’re incredibly lucky that DD is safe, loved and managing the breakdown of her family really well by your account of things.

Children from the most stable homes find teen years a struggle, often dealing with poor mental health, identity and friendship issues, poor self esteem, pushing boundaries with dangerous behaviour etc.

Imagine DD going through all of that without any consistent stable home life- living with strangers in a boarding school. The risk of self harm, eating disorders, drug use greatly increase when a child is suffering with poor mental health and you’d create the perfect storm by pulling the rug from beneath her to satisfy your own ego.

I don’t get on great with my mum. We barely speak. She didn’t put me first as a child and teenager- and it’s driven irreconcilable differences between us that won’t ever be fixed unfortunately.

@Kira4 I am divorced and stuck overseas. My kids have British citizenship but definitely are products of their environment and will always be.

Look your DD is only 11 and she most likely won’t always be close to the ex’s girl friend because life changes all the time and she doesn’t have a biological connection with her. You have a connection to your DD that can last over time even if you don’t get on like a house on fire now. Treat it with care. I would take a village approach to the GF - see her as a cool unrelated aunt rather than a threatening replacement mother. Raising a child isn’t exclusively done by parents and as children get into the teen years, they tend to look for mentor relationships outside of the immediate family anyway.

I would not move your DD to the UK early because you will be become the villain and it’s not in her best interest. Do it at the time when both you and your ex agreed to do it originally and when you are in the same country too.

I would also get counselling on how to slowly build connection with your DD in preparation for when you are both back in the UK.

This thread shocked me.

You are going to move your child whom is already struggling with your break up thousands of miles away to a British boarding school? What as punishment because she is close to her father, and finding solace with another care giver?!

Surely your priority now is to get your relationship back on track with her before you lose her altogether. I can understand why she prefers living with her father.

I don’t think the boarding school is a good idea unless your daughter is pushing for it. I went to a very lovely boarding school and I had lots of friends there but I still hated being sent away from home. She will know you are the parent who pushed for it and blame you for the rest of her life and probably hate you for it (I saw it as a big rejection by my father even though my parents pretended it was a joint decision). The reason she has a good relationship with the gf is probably because it is like an easy friendship with someone she gets along with. With you she has all sorts of emotions like love, anger and guilt and seeing you probably brings them out. If I am completely honest your post suggest that you aren’t looking at things from her point of view. I would continue to show that you love her and continue to try to find ways she can enjoy spending time with you without too much pressure. Let your ex be the one to bring up the boarding school idea.

You can’t know she would love it there. She sounds as if she found your separation difficult. She now has an adult she is close to, she seems very settled & you want to move her? That makes zero sense.

If you want to get your daughter back why send her away ? This is crazy. Get your kids with you and YOU look after them. Be Their mum. Take them to school. Pick them up six hours later not six weeks later. Spend all the time with them before it's too late. Your kids will be adults before you know it. Do not waste a minute more of it. You are their mum !!!

After a lot of upheaval it sounds like she’s happily embedded in a new family dynamic. You send her to boarding school and she isn’t actually going to be with family will she? Most of the time she’ll be in a school.

I have no particular views on boarding school but this seems like you are actively trying to cut her off from a place where she’s happy. It will damage your relationship more in the future rather than repair it. I’m sorry but this is so utterly selfish. I’m big on education and I would be devastated if my DD didn’t want to see me but I also care deeply about her happiness.

Have you reflected on why she doesn’t want to see you and how your relationship got to this point. I’m going to be honest, the fact that you think sending to her a country where neither of her parents are out of choice rather than necessity seems to indicate that you are not managing your relationship with your child (note child not teenager) very well.

Interested to know if you went to boarding school because you do come across as someone who did

I often wonder how dh’s life would have turned out if his parents hadn’t sent him away at the age of 7 years old

He had no framework beyond the age of 7 in how to handle dc

You haven’t answered who “us” is? Who do you live with? Is it just DD1’s sisters, or do you have a new partner, who DD1 potentially doesn’t like?

Also everyone is assuming the X is a dad, but I’ve seen no reference to “he” by the OP, they could just as easily be another mum…