Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

OP, I’m afraid to say that I think your passive relaxed approach to letting X deal with your MIL over this latest incident, isn’t good.

I think your DD will benefit from knowing that you have asserted your boundaries as a parent properly. She must feel insecure knowing that you are afraid of causing a drama in this situation where you could so easily be standing up for her. There is no need to cause a drama at all. You just need to let MIL know she overstepped and broke your trust. And that your DD suffered as a result of MIL playing at being a parent when sh had no right to do that. And that in future, she makes no such decisions unless she has your prior approval. In other words, you are the mum not her.

Telling MIL to tell your DD that she got a place regardless of how she actually did is not a good idea to my mind. It’s not a way to solve this problem. Your DD needs and deserves the truth with lots of supportive back-up from you as her parent.
Instead of telling her to lie to your DD, tell her to apologise to your DD for causing her more emotional stress with having to sit an exam she was unprepared for, in a school she is never going to, at a time when she is only just getting over her last troubles when she skipped after school sport club. And all without your permission.

I fear you are revealing yourself as a weak parent unless you put this latest incident right. You are divorced now and should not rely on your X to assert YOUR boundaries for YOU. (Especially as you know he is scared of her )
Why not have a proper talk to MIL yourself and let her know how angry, on behalf of your DD, you have been with this situation.

I did speak to MIL on the phone and made it very clear that I was horrified, that we have made our decision as her parents and that dd wasn’t to be made feel any more anxious or like she had disappointed anyone. She could hear I was more upset for dd than angry (although I was also v angry) so it wasn’t very confrontational but she said that she was only trying to help etc. X has had it out with her about it because he’s furious. I don’t want dd to know there’s any conflict between us all about it.

I don't think you're seeing your daughter's childhood from her perspective. I think you see the moving around, the new schools, the making and leaving friends, the family splitting, the bad period after that when you were "not the best mum", and the new partners, all as separate events. But they're not for your daughter. This has been one long continuous period of stress. Her whole life really. Her anxiety, her people-pleasing nature, her rejecting people, her indifference to your new boyfriend, her indifference to being away from you, her indifference to being away from both her parents to go live overseas etc. are all symptoms of a child suffering from trauma. This is a child who is terrified of being hurt. You've moved on. Her dad has moved on. Your daughter hasn't. You should be trying to pull her close and giving her stability. Not wasting time fighting with grandparents about boarding school

@user3344556 we have told her she won’t be moving schools anyway next year and she knows I’ll be here for at least two years and her dad for at least one more. She’s fine with that but wants to be involved in the decision process for her next school which we’re encouraging so we told her we’d revisit the conversation next year if she wants. She seems to like discussing it with us and weighing up her options.

As far as X and I were concerned that was the matter sorted for now until this bolt from
the courtesy of MIL. X has tried to find out from his sister what exactly dd told her grandparents that might have made them do this but she’s said dd has seemed totally fine (she usually confides in her aunt more than anyone) and suspects the grandparents panicked about her getting in trouble (when we spoke to the school about her bunking off with teammates we found out they’d also been caught vaping at a fixture but they didn’t include dd in the punishment for that because they wrongly thought she wasn’t really part of that group as she’s younger and had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time) and presumably dd painted herself as a totally innocent party which they fell hook line and sinker for.

I do know the breakup has been a lot for dd to deal with but had genuinely felt we were over the worst and in a good place as a family. She has said she wants to stay with me while my mum is here and is excited for it which is great and I’m really hoping she might decide to at least come on weekends again after this but not going to build it up too much.

I know some people think we should just quit our jobs etc but that’s not realistic atm. Very open to any other suggestions on helping dd to feel more secure? She knows her dad and I have a good relationship and that she has lots of people who love her.

I’m not sure how young your other children are, but if you can get childcare, would it be possible for you and your ex to do some activities together with your eldest daughter. She’s obviously struggling at the moment and maybe having some time with both of you together might help her, even having some counselling sessions for the 3 of you. Reading your posts, what’s coming across to me is that your daughter seems a bit lost and unsure of her place within your family and lives.

She seems to be crying out for stability and some boundaries. You’ve all had a lot of changes over the last couple of years, I think maybe she just needs some time where she realises that right now you and your ex are there for her and your collective focus is being her parents. I imagine she’s also worried about what will happen in a year or so when either you or your ex will have to move for work. Do you plan to move together, or will the children be split from one parent? As she’s older, that’s got to be playing on her mind a lot.

would it be possible for you and your ex to do some activities together with your eldest daughter.

its really interesting that you ask this as her dad were talking about it recently. We do make an effort to do things together with the girls as we think it’s important (and seems to be very much so to her sister) but dd1 doesn’t seem to like and says it’s “weird”. She’s fine with us all being together in one of our homes but if either us say we’re going somewhere and your dad/your mum is coming she’ll say “why?that’s weird”. We go together to as many of her sport fixtures as we can and often take her out afterwards for food or a treat just the three of us but maybe we could do more.

We have done counseling and imo it did help but dd hates it. We still hold her weekly slot but we’re lucky if she’ll go once every six weeks and we haven’t forced it.

My plan is to only leave here to move back to the UK and for that to then be permanent. Ideally that will take two years but there’s a chance it could be three or four but i won’t be moving from here to anywhere other than England. X will likely be leaving here in two years and will either be UK or US. I’m obviously hopeful (and I’m fairly confident) that we’ll all be back in England within four years anyway but best laid plans…

OP, I've been thinking about you and this thread. Your last update about vaping with older girls was familiar to me - I posted before about being sort-of in your DD's situation when I was about the same age.

Can I suggest not pushing family counselling, but instead put the energy into you and your ex having some parenting counselling/coaching? Your daughter needs to feel secure and safe, and it sounds like you could use some clear strategies that show that you are working as a team. You could also think about areas where she can have autonomy, maybe a family day out or weekend away or something like that. I worry that she is falling in with older friends (any port in a storm) that will take her further from you. I'm really trying to think what might have worked with me...being really consistent, persistent and calm; genuinely involving her in all decisions that affect her even slightly; acknowledging that she is not a young child (of course she is not an adult either but you don't need to say that!) and won't just comply without question...maybe enlist a 3rd party (you mentioned an aunt?) to quietly mediate...?

She finds it "weird" because, like I said, she hasn't moved on yet. She's still stuck on the separation, so it doesn't make sense to her that you and her father would want to spend time together because of how bad things are (to her). All the bad stuff she is getting up to with school and other people is probably just escapism.

Thanks @brogueish . Some really good advice there. I really appreciate your insight. I will suggest the parenting coaching to X because it can’t hurt imo.

You're spot on about her personality because she definitely likes to be involved in decisions, loves to have autonomy and be allowed to plan things (is in her element planning things for her gran’s visit and is really good at it) but also does seem to respond best to people who take the least amount of crap from her (the strictest coaches are always her favourite).

We do sort of use her aunt to mediate although dd isn’t aware of it really because we do it slyly. (Her aunt fills us in if dd tells us something she thinks we should know and doesn’t pretend to dd that we’ve ever spoken to her about things she and dd might discuss).

X is really worried about the older friends (I also think he is having a harder time with her just getting older generally). We’re hoping some of them will move up another age division next year and won’t be on the same team as dd. She has lots of lovely school friends her own age but seems really comfortable with the older girls (I wouldn’t have been when I was 11) and yet if anything I worried for a long time that she was babyish for her age (thought stealing, vaping and bunking off school were at least five years away yet) and she can still be a total baby in a nice way (still likes a cuddle at bedtime etc).

Ok so if she responds well to the strictest people, then perhaps you could think about what expectations you have of her, how realistic they are, and how they are communicated to her (with love). As a parent, I’m a big believer that kids do well when they can.

Your daughter sounds great and really sweet, by the way, but finding things a bit tricky right now.

It’s really great that you are your ex are pulling together on this, unfortunately it does seem your daughter has taken the breakup very hard and is still struggling with it immensely.

Is it possible that she thinks you were the instigator of the breakup in someway and that’s why she’s pulling away from you? I maybe completely wrong but I wonder if the getting close to your ex’s girlfriend, is because she’s actually terrified she’s going to lose her Dad to her and she feels the only way she can cling on to him is by inserting herself into their relationship too.

The problem with her hanging out with older girls is that she’s going to want to impress them, she’s not going to want to be seen as young or childish by them, therefore she’s going to act out and do things she shouldn’t. 11 is such an impressionable, vulnerable age. It’s a really tricky age generally without adding in the fact she’s obviously still massively hurting from the breakup.

@brogueish she really is! There is a reason everyone loves her, a lot of reasons actually.I’m so proud of her because everyone comments on how lovely she is, she’s the definition of a social butterfly and always has been since the first time we took her to a playground) and she’s blessed to be very talented both academically and athletically. I just worry now that these next couple of years will throw her off and scupper her potential if we don’t make the right calls. I also worry that the anxiety she developed (the worst of which she seemed to be long over) will plague her longterm when she should have such a happy life.

She is very like her dad in that she comes across as very confident but is actually a real people pleaser. She is especially driven to please those with the highest expectations of her and will work so hard, almost obsessively, to impress the toughest coaches. It’s always the tough coaches who seem to have a particular soft spot for her too.

@Inthedeep
Someone else did suggest that her new closeness to gf was motivated by wanting to stay close to her dad too and it had never occurred to me but of course is totally possible. It could explain why she was keen to stay with her dad as much as possible. All indications are though that she’s genuinely very fond of gf too though and the more I see of their relationship the more I think it’s a relief really for all of us that it’s a positive one because it could so easily be a nightmare.

I agree 11 is really tricky because she seems to alternate between baby and teenager all the time.

Re the gf - I think you need to think long term rather than short term relief that it’s a positive relationship. If dad is going off to the US or U.K. in a couple of years - what are the chances of her getting a visa? Does she speak English? Even if she wanted to go I’m willing to bet that she’s a right for right now gf, not necessarily a long term proposition for your ex.

I have very rarely heard a worse idea. What does her father think?

@Mirabai
I obviously don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship but they seem serious. They work together now so would most likely move together and gf studied, worked and lived in England previously so don’t think it’d be outside the realms of possibility that she’d live there again.
I do worry that dd is getting too close/attached to her for various reasons and the relationship ending is obviously the biggest one.

I still think she’s right for right now. Living in the U.K. may be a possibility. Getting a green card for the U.S is a very different proposition. She will want kids at some point, does he want more? Will she want to have kids out of her country, away from her family etc?

@Mirabai your speculation is as good as mine

That’s why I think your instincts are right about the dangers of DD getting too close. If they were married/comitted it would be very different.

But now we have the issue of MIL. Could you send DD to a boarding school at the other end of the country?

@Mirabai
No I couldn’t do that. MIL can be a massive pain in the arse but she’s also well meaning and very good to dd. Dd loves her to bits too. It’d be important for dd to have family close by and important for my peace of mind too.

In that case you may have to countenance MIL taking charge of DD and indoctrinating her with whatever narrative she wants regarding you and ex.

That of itself is a good argument for keeping DD with you until she’s 13 at least and possibly until you move back to the U.K. yourself.

Having the most lovely time since my mum arrived. Dd has stayed with us almost all of the time and really been so much fun to be around. She and my mum are a total double act.

The issue of her other grandmother and the school has just sort of been put to bed and we hadn’t heard anything more about it from MIL. Dd confided to my mum that she’s been worried because she decided on the day that she didn’t want to go to that school but didn’t want to tell MIL so she deliberately did badly in the entrance test and now she’s afraid she’ll never get in if she wants to go there in future and that people (especially her grandparent) will think she’s 'thick’. Nothing could be further from the truth cos she’s such a naturally clever girl but it made me so sad (and angry) she’d been carrying that anxiety around so unnecessarily.

X’s gfs family have a lovely place in the mountains and they are going up there with the girls plus a couple we both know and their kids in the first week of the girl’s holidays. Dd asked me if I’d come now too and I politely told her I didn’t think I’d be able to but she keeps asking and obviously asked her dad and gf to invite me and they now have (plus my partner if he wants). I’m not sure how comfortable it’ll be but she’s asking so much that I feel I should consider it? Would I be mad to go?

A lot to consider with this dilemma OP.
But obviously it means a lot to your DD.

It could be that subconsciously, she still really needs to know that you can all be happily together under the same roof without any bad feeling for her to have to worry about. She could then maybe finally tidy away any anxiety that was connected to your house from the end of your marriage. Children do pick up on things and it must have been upsetting and clearly so triggering for her.
So I would say that if you and your partner can manage to be in their company as guests, without any undercurrent of bitterness and resentment, then go for a weekend/overnight/or just for the day, - and make a real effort to get along and have fun for her sake.
You wouldn’t be mad to go at all if you have been invited, but I would keep the visit short.

I think that things have come a long way since your first post. So thanks for the update because that is very heartening to read.

Yes I was thinking of maybe going for just the weekend just to show dd I made the effort for her. Not sure my bf will be up for it tbh.