Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

You’ll be VERY surprised, actually.

I hear you, OP & you have my utmost sympathy. I would be devastated too, if my DD took more to her dad’s partner than I, her mother.

Now, what I would do in this situation would be to pitch the idea with her dad, who’ll in turn , speak to her about it. The hope here is that she sees it from her dad’s loving perspectives , you get ?

All the very best.

Just so you know, I’d be looking at doing something similar in your shoes.

First of all boarding school is difficult enough to be apart from a child but one in a different country is harsh. She's happy and settled, which will hopefully be a foundation to rebuild a closer relationship, rather than her feeling aggrieved.

I don’t think the issue everyone has is about her going to boarding school, it’s about your reasoning for sending her now.

She is currently surrounded by friends and family that can support her through the difficult time she is having (family that you have a good relationship with so I’m sure they will speak highly of you and encourage her to mend the relationship), you want to take that stability away and send her to boarding school against her will (you say that at this moment in time she would hate it). All that will do is fracture your relationship with her more.

Don’t make your daughter feel rejected and like she is being punished because you are jealous. If you live close by why don’t you start doing a week day evening activity together, that way she doesn’t feel like she is missing out on teenage life at the weekends.

@Avoidingsleep
Its not the case that I’m determined to send her to England ‘against her will’. She’s open to the idea but obviously it’s something that needs a lot more discussion before any of us reach a definitive decision because she is young. One of the big bonuses we all recognise in her going would be that, unlike here, she would be surrounded by family. The reality is also that it is extremely unlikely, for work reasons, that either of us will still be here in three or four years time anyway, even if we wanted to be, so a move at some point for d is inevitable.

Surely if stability for your daughter is important, you'd change your job so you don't have to move? Why is she so far down your priority list? It's very sad.

@Ozanj
Unfortunately it’s not an option to tell d we will be in Spain forever because we won’t be. We always knew we’d have to consider how best to give the girls some consistency to finish their education given our jobs mean we won’t be in one place for the duration of their school life, and we particularly want to avoid moving them during crucial school years, hence why being back in England in what we know to be an excellent school that is close to both our families has always been a consideration.

‘Forcing’ her hasn’t worked so far. I’m worried it’ll be counterproductive to try to force her again as I want her to want to come rather than see it as a punishment and her personality is such that the more you push the more she pushes back the other way.

@Babyboomtastic

There are pros and cons to every job. The fact our jobs involve periods abroad has been a blessing as well as a challenge and dds have benefitted hugely from the opportunities and experiences that have come with that. Yes we have moved homes during their lives but overall they’ve had, at least up until our divorce and even since, a lot more ‘stability’ in their lives than very many children who’ve not been as fortunate is many ways.

That's good, but if she's happy and settled in again, why continue to prioritise your career and move her? Isn't her happiness and stability the most important thing here?

It doesn't sound as if money is a huge issue is you are considering multiple children at boarding school.

@Babyboomtastic

So her dad and I should both just quit our jobs and somehow live in Spain forever? We have the future and best interests of our whole family to consider.

Yes, d has pals etc here but she’s moved before and both retained long distance friendships and made new friends easily. It’s not easy and no doubt gets harder in teenage years which is a consideration too but I don’t think it’s the case that this is the only place on earth in which she can be happy, especially when none of her extended family with whom she’s close are here.

I agree PP are being totally unrealistic about you moving to Spain forever, learning Spanish and getting a low paid local job in a 2nd language (for stability, since expat jobs & visas are often suddenly cut despite the most permanent of plans) or something.

Plus in many countries there isn't even a basis for expats to get long term residency or citizenship. So it's not even possible.

You speak quite a bit about her being surrounded by her extended family back in England, whom she's close to. I agree it's important to have a wider support system, but is she actually still close to them atm? Most relatives and young kids get along delightfully but may grow apart over years, esp in different countries. What are their personalities like around older children (given she will likely not warm to buttoned up personalities esp given her current Spanish influenced background)? It's ok to want them to get closer but important to be realistic imo.

Also, if she's actually close to and likes them, why not use that as a stepping stone to have her hang out with you? Or is that what you're trying to do with this move? Would it be less extreme/toxic to have 1 of them visit (which is nice anyway)?

Yes, d has pals etc here but she’s moved before and both retained long distance friendships and made new friends easily.

I think you also have to consider that 3rd culture kids (international school kids) usually get along well due to openness and shared experiences. The people at boarding school in England may have had slightly in-bred (sorry I know that sounds derogatory but brain not functioning since it's 3am), cloistered backgrounds, all from the same schools since a young age, Mummy and Daddy went to school here, etc. Speaking from experience it's a very very different environment/crowd.

Of course it depends on your dd's personality but don't assume anything based on past experiences as those are not comparable

@spritebottle

That wasn’t my experience of boarding school back when I went but especially now they tend to have lots of international students. A lot of people, whether British themselves or not, would be sending their kids there for the exact same reasons we would be.

@spritebottle

D1 spent longer overall in England than she has in Spain so far, and almost as long again in France, albeit at a different age, so don’t think she has any problem relating to non Spanish people or cultures.

She sees her cousins probably 3-4 times a year but sees her grandparents regularly as they either visit her or she goes there multiple times a year. She’s extremely close to her grandparents on both sides and has a really close bond with X’s younger sister who she speaks to almost every day. She also has her own little friends in England including the boy who used to be her best friend whose family moved back last year.

Socially I don’t think she’d struggle in England at all but obviously there would be aspects and people from her life here she’d miss initially.

I was an international student fyi. Many boarding schools like foreign money/fees so there are plenty of intl students, true. However, definitely depends on the school but the intl student/British student divide is pretty strong in most boarding schools.

But I think you've misunderstood my question – I've never once suggested that she's Spanish or anything. Expats stay expats usually. I know the extent of her native Spanish social circle is likely the ex's gf and a few local-born classmates in her international school. But she seems to like/have gotten used to a certain kind of expressive warmth.

I'm not at all saying she'd have issues adjusting socially in England, only gently suggesting that your frame of reference/comparison consists of experiences that aren't comparable: fitting into international school (or even normal state school) which is a VERY different environment to boarding school, not just in terms of student makeup but general environment, inclusiveness, and teaching attitudes which focus more on the teachers' expectations than the students' personal interests/inclinations (not saying this in a negative sense as I actually think IB etc is a bit too diluted and lacks rigour); getting along well with relatives on an infrequent basis or as a child.

Of course these are only possibilities, and if that's not the case then great! You know your DD best/irl

Are you for real OP?
Your daughter hates you but you'll send her to boarding school to fix it away from the 2 people she's actually has a bond with and enjoys being with.
You need to seriously think hard about your choices and parenting style with her because you've clearly pushed her away and continue to do so. Why boarding? Why don't you take the decision to change jobs or lifestyle so you'll be in one place and can have her at home with you to rebuild that broken relationship,if your really bothered? It sounds like you want to just pull her life further apart and no wonder she's pulled back from you,!

So harsh!
Her daughter doesn't hate her, she is rejecting her at the moment as so many pre teens and teens do:
Also have some consideration, OP is trying to work out a way to do the right thing: the more we read the more that is evident
Boarding schools (which I don't agree are a good environment for most kids) are full of kids in a similar situation to OPs DD so that isn't really the issue:
Be kind for goodness sake, everything isn't black and white!

You keep saying you want her to be surrounded by family and at the moment she isn’t. But she is. She has her Dad and her ‘step mum’ on hand.

Fair enough open up a dialogue with her about going at some point, but you have to listen to what she wants and let her go when she is ready. If you push too hard and make her go you will lose her. At the moment it sounds like you are forcing the idea because you don’t want her blossoming relationship with her Dad’s partner to develop further when your relationship with her is struggling. It isn’t an either or situation, she can have a good relationship with you both. You need to get to the bottom of why she is angry at you. Family therapy and individual therapy for her might be needed.

Stop pretending to yourself and everyone that you are bringing this up in her current best interest. You’ve said yourself that she wouldn’t be happy with it right now, and that she is happy at her Dad’s where she has a lot of friends and good relationships with adults. You are thinking about this earlier than planned because you are hurting and struggling with the fact she is taking everything out on you.

@WittiestUsernameEver
@jannier

Can't you just reply without quoting or copy the sentence / question you are referring too.

It doesn't usually bother me but this thread is filled with of it. It takes ages to scroll down.

neither x or I ever having a child free weekend but its worth considering

*
The more you write the more I think you're taking the piss. Parents don't get child free weekends.

I'm probably projecting as my husband is forces so I'm on my own 24/7.

Stop pretending to yourself and everyone that you are bringing this up in her current best interest. You’ve said yourself that she wouldn’t be happy with it right now, and that she is happy at her Dad’s where she has a lot of friends and good relationships with adults.

This. You are acting out, out of jealousy, and spite really. Trying to separate her from the ex's girlfriend, who she has a good relationship with.

You went to boarding school at 16, you said. Bit of a difference. Leave the poor little girl be.

@seller2456
I don’t want child free weekends. I’d love to have my children 365 days a years as I did before the divorce but X and I have agreed to share weekends and when I referred to child free weekends I was talking about the arrangement, in place before d started refusing to come to me, whereby X and his gf had every other weekend free which meant she stayed away on the weekends the girls were with him.

She’s with her father. The relationship between child and parent is generally more important than the one between child and grandparents. As it stands she visits them regularly, but that doesn’t mean she’d want to live in England away from her father and the friends she has now.

You want her under your control and influence, put bluntly. If she won’t willingly nurture her relationship with you, you want to make the one she has with her father equally as distant. You don’t want him to ‘win’ and have the advantage. You’ve convinced yourself it’s better for her, but this is for you.

Well have you said this to her - explicitly? Told her that you miss her and that you'd love to have to have a special evening/day just the 2 of you - what would she like to do? I think you need need to show her that you are prepared to make a big effort to reconnect with her. So you keep asking.

Have you talked to her about why she doesn't want to come to your house? And allowed her to have her say? After all by all accounts you had a reasonable conversation with her the other day about boarding school. So you can talk about things - so why don't you talk to her about your relationship?

The other thing is that is odd about your replies is that you talk of her going back to the UK is to be near family. But your dd is actually living with family right now - her father. Why would you destroy her parent-child bond with her dad when you are not even contemplating a return to the UK yourself for several years?