Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

No wonder she isn't close with you if you want to send her to boarding school. Why have kids just tobsend then to boarding school where you'll hardly ever see them?!

What @lunde says

"The other thing is that is odd about your replies is that you talk of her going back to the UK is to be near family. But your dd is actually living with family right now - her father."

The fact the OP keeps saying she wants to move her DD back to the UK where she is surrounded by family is absolute rubbish!!! Maybe if she was moving back to actually live with family but she'll be boarding so not living with any family at all - not even her dad and sister(s)!!!

It isn’t just the length of time she has spent in England or Spain that matters, though. Her age at each point is significant as well. She’s 11 now and has been living in Spain for several years, so since the age of 8 or so? Those are formative years for a child, it’s not the same as an adult spending the same amount of time somewhere. Add in the emotional upheaval of the divorce and it’s clear these years have affected her considerably in terms of development and building her identity.

It’s great that she sees her grandparents and other relatives often and has close bonds with them. But that doesn’t necessarily mean the transition to boarding school would go smoothly. She would be living apart from her entire family, most importantly you, her dad, and her siblings. Spending weekends with Granny or cousins couldn’t make up for that.

I wish I could buy my phone doesn't allow it neither can I search ops posts or anyone else's.

A drop-in girlfriend is hardly a "stepmum"

My mum is going to come visit in just under two weeks so hoping to use her being in our house as ‘bait’ and lure dd to stay with us that week too. Had hoped to discuss with dd and involve her in planning some things she’d enjoy doing with us and her grandmother and just with me but the evening didn’t go exactly as planned. She and some friends decided to bunk off their after school sports without telling anyone. They were intending to go to a shopping mall but ended up lost and stranded in quite a dodgy part of the city. They’re bright kids but not particularly street smart so terrifying to think what could have happened.
Dd did have the sense to phone for help, more than her friends even though some are a bit older than her, but she phoned x’s gf. She asked gf not to tell us. Gf did go and pick them up but obviously did tell x who told me. X is furious with her because it took a lot of attempts to get the full truth out of her, (according to some of the other parents there was an intended piercing involved but dd denies this adamantly) she had nicked money from the house (a three figure sum left in a jar for a maintenance worker) and I don’t think she’s ever lied to us like this before and certainly has never stolen that we know of. She gets pocket money and wants for nothing anyway.
I suspect x is also angry that she phoned gf and not him. She said she didn’t call x cos he’d kill her but didn’t call me “just because”. She sounded so dismissive when she said this even though it’s me who ferries her around the city most of the time.
X and I had said we’d take the girls together to a climbing gym at the weekend (dd1 loves this) but now he’s adamant dd1 shouldn’t come as punishment. My instinct was to say I’d stay back with dd1 and hope that we might be able to have a decent chat but does that also risk framing the time with me as the punishment?
sorry if this is very rambling, I’m exhausted from the drama of the evening.

@Kira4

I'm baffled as to why she stole money which had been left for someone else.

Why didn't she ask her father for the money she needed?

@TheSquareMile
I’m still baffled by the whole thing. None of it really makes sense as there’s no way they could honestly have thought they’d get away with it and we still don’t even know why they wanted to go there. I know the parents of the other girls and if they told us they wanted to go to that mall, even as a group, we would have arranged it and brought them.

Sending you hugs, what a tiring day! ❤️

I agree with you about not wanting to be seen as a "punishment".

Just had an idea though, could you take a random day off work and tell her she can bunk of school? Take her to the mall, get some food, buy her some new clothes/makeup/whatever else 11 year olds are interested in and just have a girly day! No deep conversations just fun and lighthearted?

@Sugarcoatedalmonds
Ive offered to take her shopping loads of times and only got an eye roll. She came with me once because she needed new shoes and I insisted she try them on rather than just buy online and it was a massive chore that couldn’t end fast enough for her.

And sending her back to the UK to a boarding school - is going to rescue your relationship with her?

Are you delusional?

I think you’ve got the message on boarding school loud and clear. If you booked a fun really active long weekend - kayaking or rock climbing or something, would your ex support you by insisting she go? That might be the way forward if possible.

You are considering sending her away from everything and everyone she knows.

Her weekends seem busy with activities and competitions that she will have to give up.

Don't underestimate the value of her using different languages with different people, it really can form a deep link between people.

Really if you do this (and I hope her father steps in and says 'no') you will NEVER have a close relationship with your eldest.

Your daughter has been shunted around due to her parents' work, and her relationship with you is fractured. She now has some stability, in her relationship with her father's gf, and you want to pack her off to boarding school, thereby disrupting the stability she has found. And in another country to her parents. ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY NUTS? How can this possibly be to the poor girl's benefit?
What your girls need is to stop moving around, to go to school and come home every night like any normal teenager. Can you manage the next eight or so years in one place, send them to the local school where both children can put down roots and maintain friendships? Put both your kids first for a few years and you might even find that your relationship with them improves.

I think that x husband should have consulted with you on on how to deal with DD for stealing so much money and for bunking off school. It’s up to you both to get to the bottom of this incident properly and come up with a strategy for getting past it successfully …including the punishment for this first time offence.

OP you are right that any punishment handed out should definitely not be such that it can seen by DD as casting your presence as part of the punishment. So please don’t offer to stay behind with her while the others go. You still all need to be part of that family fun trip.

DD needs to pay back the money out of her pocket money and apologise sincerely to the maintenance worker…or whoever it was that was inconvenienced by her stealing it.

It sounds as if the fact that she ‘wants for nothing’ could be part of the problem.
If she expects pocket money, maybe she should know that she has to earn it by being open, honest and co-operative with both her parents and sisters, acting with decency and kindness along the way instead of thoughtlessly helping herself to money clearly intended for someone else…..and instead of being so thoughtlessly dismissive of you.

Your x also needs to understand that though she has now been forced to be part of 2 households, she is still part of ONE family and do everything he can to help overcome this growing problem with her by talking thin through with you. That means one lot of pocket money only, with consistent rules about earning it in both households with no deviations unless agreed by both parents together. Not only does DD need to feel your joint love and support but also your joint very firm parenting and guidance when she makes a mistake (or a rebellious act) like this.

I hope the school also get involved in the bunking off aspect. Have you spoken with your x husband about alerting the school to your concerns about her, since your split. Maybe DD could be helped by unburdening to a school counsellor about what she is feeling about everything.

You, your ex husband, new gf and school all need to be on the same page in dealing with your troubled daughter. She needs a lot more close guidance at this stage in her life.
A lot more talking together is needed yet OP.

@Codlingmoths @Sugarcoatedalmonds

I was really hoping to sit down with her and plan some things like this so rather than having to ‘force’ her she’d actually want to do them. I was considering going and collecting her from school early or just keeping her off as surprise and doing something fun just the two of us but not sure how to plan that now as x, school and coach are all furious with her so don’t want to undermine whatever consequences are by being seen to reward her right now. I know i should be angry too but I’m more shocked than angry tbh and I’m
not usually one of those mums who make excuses for their kids but think there has to be more to it as she’s not a stupid girl. I want it to be all water under the bridge by the time my mum comes to visit anyway.

I went from enjoying school, having lots of friends and loving life at my International School to hating school, being bullied relentlessly and hating life at Boarding School where I was constantly told I wouldn't achieve anything and suffered what would now be described as abuse as punishment for stupid things like talking after lights out.

I don't think I've ever really forgiven my parents for taking me out of a school where I felt happy especially as I could have continued there until they moved back to the UK and then gone as a day pupil somewhere. They thought they were doing the right thing for my education, it may have been but for me as a person it wasn't.

You're daughter won't thank you for sending her away, it comes across as you now want to send her because you're jealous of her relationship with your ex and his girlfriend.

@LAMPS1
Thank you. I think this is all excellent advice. I do think X and I have done well in coordinating and being on the same page in every other aspect of the split and coparenting etc but lately it just feels like when it comes to d1 we’ve been in survival mode each week rather than working off any kind of plan.
In a very strange way there may be a positive in this incident because it’s forced us to have a conversation with her that we’ve probably tiptoed around a bit. We’ve a meeting with the school about it this afternoon and then tonight we are going to sit down (incl gf) and discuss what really happened and whatever the consequences are going to be.
It’s actually gf who is probably in favour of the harshest consequence as she told dd she thinks they should all be taken off the team for the rest of the season (they have one or two crucial games left so this would be a fairly big deal). D is the youngest on the team (they moved her up an age group in two sports as she’s very good, one of the best on what are u14 teams) and even though X is very serious about sport he’s now wondering if palling around with 13 years olds from her teams is having a bad influence her (most of her other friends are her own age). If we shoved her back to an u12 team I think she’d be devastated but gf (who is also v serious about sport) told her that if she was her coach she’d drop her until she showed she could be trusted.
I have to say I’m really grateful to gf not only for going to collect them so quickly but also for the fact she’s not trying to be some kind of good cop in this at all because I think hearing disapproval from her and from the coach will have a lot more impact than just from her dad and I.

@xSideshowAuntSallyx
Thanks for that perspective. May I ask, did you tell your parents how unhappy you were at the time? What you describe sounds so miserable.

@Kira4 sadly it was a decision they would not move on they thought not disrupting my education was the best thing to do(no amount of tears or calls from the House Mistress saying I was in trouble again worked), my sister was already there, my brother had been at another boarding school but eventually got expelled as he kept running away so he stayed with family until they came back to the UK. I was always getting into trouble, it was obvious I was unhappy. I ended up leaving at 16 and going to the local college and finding my tribe as they say.

My Dad turned down another overseas posting when they got back to the UK so I could have gone to a local school in the end and would probably have been happier.

Sounds like you are getting on top of it all already OP.

DD needs a short sharp shock. Rather than have it all done and dusted by the time your mum comes, maybe let your mum know too so that she understands the full picture. Her little bit of involvement might help smooth things over and she can help back you up a bit.
To be fair, your DD wouldn’t normally be hanging around with girls two years older and she should be praised for being the one to have sought help.

It will be a really sensible to be on good terms with GF, so it’s good you are all sitting down together. Daunting at first, but hopefully, she can add an easy, helpful and positive perspective to the discussion, for now at least. Her hard approach might help DD see that she should never let her team down as all team members rely equally on each other. Then, as a bit of an extension of that sort of thinking, she might understand that the same must be applied to families too, and in spite this divorce, that is still what all adults are working towards …never letting each other down.

@xSideshowAuntSallyx
I’m glad you got to leave at 16 at least but still such a terrible experience for you (and your siblings by the sounds of it). A lot of kids struggle to adjust for a few weeks at the start but there’s no way we’d leave d in any school where she was miserable.

Hi OP it sounds like things have come to a head and perhaps it is clear that none of this is about you and her per se but about the growing up angst that many girls go through at that age. Throw in the age issue with her sports cohort and it’s easy to see why dd1 might be struggling.

You sounds grateful to your X and his girlfriend but also passive if you don’t mind me saying.m. I don’t think they get the only voice in deciding the punishment and don’t see why the GF attends key meetings. Just a thought.

When x and girlfriend are bringing the other child to the treat, why don’t you and your Dd1 stay home? No treats or special together tasks needed - it sounds like they get a lot of special treats and attention anyhow - but just be with each other, watch Netflix together if you fancy it, play with TikTok together or read.. No agenda, just relaxed time together and a time for her to talk if she wants.

@Kira4 I've been following this thread and I apologise, I was quite harsh in my earlier post (this is AIBU after all...)

However I've just seen your update about your daughter taking money and I recognise this so much. My parents separated when I was 10, and for various reasons we lived with my dad and not my mum. Boarding school wasn't on the cards and we were still in the UK. I am not saying this is how your daughter is feeling but just to give insight into how I felt in a similar-ish situation.

I felt completely adrift being separated from my mother and I responded to that by completely disengaging from her, and I recognise what your daughter is doing to you. I don't believe it's because she hates you, rather it's because she loves you so much and is trying to protect herself from any more pain (if I push her away she can't hurt me, etc). At the same time, she's 11 and loads of things are changing for her. She probably no longer sees herself as a child. When my parents separated I was the oldest child and a girl, living with my dad. So in some weird way I became "the woman of the house" and was, in some ways, put in an adult role with regard to my younger siblings. My response to that was "if I'm dealing with the emotional responsibility of being an adult, then I'm going to take some of the freedoms associated with it too". So yes I got multiple ear piercings (dad didn't notice) and went off the rails for a few years. I also took money from our au pair, which I am incredibly ashamed about now, but looking back was a pretty pathetic attempt to say "I am here, please notice me". Just to add that my dad also talked about needing time for himself, which I understood meant that I was in the way. When he met GFs I felt I had to get them onside to avoid being replaced. It was all a bit of a mess and I think I was trying very hard to grab hold of some control in a really difficult situation that felt really unstable. All this said, I don't know how I could have articulated any of this when I was younger, or who to.

What I needed was parents that saw me, heard me, and genuinely took my feelings into consideration. Honestly, whisking me away to a boarding school would have been the worst thing anyone could have done at that point and would have confirmed all my fears about being an inconvenience, abandoned and irrelevant. Of course you love your daughter but right now you have to work a bit harder to make sure that she's getting that message loud and clear, because she may not feel it.

Gosh this has become far longer than I had intended... I guess, I just recognised so many characteristics and behaviours from your description of your daughter, that I wanted to share my experience with you. Good luck. She's only young.

@LAMPS1
Thanks for the positivity. D has a great relationship with my mum but (or maybe because), while she knows everything she never gets involved in discipline or big decisions. MIL had been overly involved at times in the past which wasn’t good for any of us but my mum is strictly a fun, nonjudgemental gran, although she somehow manages to get them to do an impressive amount of housework when they stay with her! I’d really been hoping that my mum staying with us would lure d back to the house and then because we’d have a great time she would see that living here wasn’t so bad.