Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

"Every job has pros and cons and my and X’s jobs have given us and our kids great opportunities and experiences that they’ve been lucky to have.Our kids have, until our separation especially, had a lot more stability in their lives than many kids who never left the house they were born in but whose family circumstances are far from stable."

You do know there is a huge middle ground to be found between those two extremes though right? Of course it's a choice.

I’ve known families that move around internationally and the ones that I know have been absolutely fine. It makes people much more relaxed about travel, big change and moving countries.

There are women on this forum who can’t even open their front doors, women who can’t imagine moving from their village or small town or away from their parents, who think it’s very important for their kids to go to secondary school with the people they were at primary school with. There are women who are terrified when their kids visit London.

The world of international living is a million miles from this.

But the issue here is not whether that would suit you (or your snap judgment about it) the issue is DD’s response to a divorce and its effect on her with her mother (which could have happened had they stayed in one small village). And the best way forward.

Thanks @Mirabai I know families who’ve had to move house or area within England for various reasons and whose kids were much more unsettled by it than ours were by moving from France to Spain as our moves have been planned and supported at every level. Our kids also have security in ways many kids don’t and apart from the divorce they’ve never had any complaints or problems in their little lives.

Got the formal invitation to a friends wedding in Italy in August and asked d1 if she’d like to come as my plus 1 because she adores the bride. She’s thrilled and already has ideas on what we both should wear so hopefully this will be something we can enjoy together.

I actually think the fixation here is TOO much security / predictability for OP's needs (DD's attention back on her/her family, DD in prestigious educational pathway) if that makes sense, at the expense of a loving and supportive environment for DD. It just all feels controlling and me me me (me = OP). I didn't comment this earlier as I felt it was pointless and OP might just think I'm continually piling on her. But it is my genuine impression through this whole thread.

Thing that strikes me about OP's posts is her presumption in how everyone will just magically fall in line with her plans:

DD will get closer to OP if she physically removes DD from gf.

There's a lot of overstatement - keeps talking about how she wants DD to be near family, "surrounded" by family even, yet it transpires DD isn't even super close to family right now and family draws lines with DD.

DD will deffo love boarding because she thrived in international schools, even though those are the 2 MOST diametrically opposed sort of educational environments you can get (state schools in the middle).

Convinced ex likely won't settle in Spain (why not, if he loves his gf? Not unheard of), and gf would want to move to UK (visiting friends/going on holiday is not the same as wanting to relocate.......). OP would freak I think if the 3 of them (ex, gf and DD) or 2 of them (ex, gf) settled as family unit in Spain.

I know you need a long term plan, and you need to make certain assumptions and have certain trade-offs for that. In particular, I know the value of a good education. Namedropping my school credentials still magically opens doors for me decades later.

However, as someone who grew up in both intl and boarding schools, lives abroad (in the UK) right now as an adult, has known/knows multiple international families... I can tell you that families tend to plan as a unit full of moving parts, with many contingency plans and taking everyone's needs, desires and future into account.

This genuinely feels more like the traditional, well-off, distant sort of parenting – send her away and she'll love it and thrive. Make her come to me when I want her attention/love. You used to see that a lot in middle to upper class British parents and you see it in many other parts of the world still.

Fyi I also think the overstatement / presumptuousness is borne from desperation. Armchair psychologist territory here, and I apologise if I've got it wrong... But it's like OP has to make her relationship work with DD, and so why not use the (valid in itself) education excuse as a magical fix for her parental relationship especially in the face of "competition"? Except it's not going to work that way at all.

Also as a minor point – doesn't want DD too close to gf; doesn't want DD too close to H's family, but her own family is fine (even though the latter is less available and accessible to DD than the former). Ofc could 100% be valid judgments and concerns, as we don't know their family history at all, but in context comes off a little bit as eliminating actual support structures for DD due to need for control/possession.

yet it transpires DD isn't even super close to family right now and family draws lines with DD.

This isn’t true at all. Dd is extremely close to her cousins, aunts and uncles and cousins. Doesn’t mean I necessarily want her to live with them full time though.

DD will deffo love boarding because she thrived in international schools

I never said this. I think she would enjoy boarding school because she’s very sociable, sporty and independent and is happiest on any kind of team with her friends. I don’t think she’s enjoy every boarding school but do think this school would suit her strengths and interests in many ways.

Also as a minor point – doesn't want DD too close to gf; doesn't want DD too close to H's family, but her own family is fine

Not true at all. I couldn’t do more to encourage dds relationship with her aunts, uncles and cousins on X’s side. She adores her grandparents and has a very close relationship with them. Her grandad started a pen pal thing with her a few years to encourage her reading and writing and they still write and send each other monthly letters which are adorable. She speaks to x’s younger sister almost every day and to her grandparents a few times a week typically. Sole issue is that MIL (and no one else) has been too involved with d at times in the past and X would say that more strongly than I but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a lovely and important relationship with her.

Sure... Like I said, it's more the certainty / overstatement.

Like how close can you be to people you see 3-4x a year (as you said) or even just 10x a year? (Edit: saw your post on staying in daily contact after I hit post – fair enough but will this 100% translate to them being adequate as her ONLY support system within the same country, with her parents not present after a difficult divorce?)

And I don't doubt DD would thrive in boarding in normal circumstances given her personality, but it is still a 180 deg change from an international school environment. Even state school would be a smaller change.

Not to negate your point: current good relations when relatives/DD meet every now and then, and a sociable and adaptable personality, are great signs. These are all definitely positive factors you can be optimistic about!

But again, to me, it's more of the desperate underplaying of any suggestion that these are just factors and not guarantees, and that your perfect plan might not work out the way you want to.

My genuine impression of most (albeit not all) of your posts is that you do have your daughter's best interests at heart, yet the most desperate overarching element is a need for control/possession/forced proximity (if not to me, then to my family as a stepping stone to me) ASAP. Perhaps this stems from genuine desperation and perhaps (forgive me) some level of emotional illiteracy / perceived lack of other options to manufacture closeness.

Just IMHO – as I said, it doesn't feel worthwhile to me to comment further. Just ignore my posts if you feel they don't apply to your situation.

Dd went back to the UK for a family event with her dad last week and she stayed on for the weekend with her grandparents (her dad’s parents). Obviously while she was with them she told them about the trouble she got into and about the conversation we’d had with her about school for the future.

X and I just found out that MIL took it upon herself to arrange for dd to tour a nearby school (not the one we had in mind) and to sit a bloody entrance test! (FILs brother in law is on the board or something but still can’t believe they didn’t require a legal parent to allow it). This is a school that takes boarders but is mostly a day school and dd is now saying she might want to go there if she gets a place and that she and MIL discussed that she would stay with them for the first year and if she wanted to she could board after that! Dd is now anxious too about not getting a place because she thinks her grandparents will be disappointed.

I’m so bloody angry I could blow.

I just think it's very sad for your daughter. She's so young yet doesn't seem to have any attachment to either of her parents. She talks about living away as if it is nothing.

And you're only angry because someone else picked out a different school for her.

None of this is normal.

Outrageous behaviour from grandparents!

Have you let them know how angry you are that they took that massive liberty with your DD before any consultation with you ?
How has your ex allowed this to happen.

Your position in the family set-up appears to have been usurped. I would make a very strong statement to reclaim your status as mum and make sure they have a proper sense of your displeasure so that they never dare to encroach in this sort of way again.

No wonder your DD is so dismissive of you if this is the way her grandparents treat you.

Time to channel that anger OP, and put your foot down very firmly. Do not let this slide.
Your ex needs to be told that he parents jointly with you not with them.
And your PIL need to be told that they have seriously over-stepped and broken your trust completely.
Your DD needs to know that only you and her DF make these decisions …jointly, and in her interests and that you will always strongly advocate for her and never hand your decision-making responsibility for her over to anybody else.

Make sure you back up any message to ex and PIL about this in writing.

I’m not surprised you’re angry, this is your decision not their’s. Moreover it is not showing you the respect you deserve which your daughter observes.

I can understand why you’re angry. I’m shocked that the school would allow your DD to sit an entrance exam under these circumstances, even if your in-laws have family connections with the school. That would be enough for me to reject the school out of hand (though I know you weren’t even considering it before).

However, your DD’s response to her grandparents’ actions seems a bit concerning to me. The ease with which she has been convinced to attend this school though it would mean living far from you and her dad, as well as her anxiety about disappointing her grandparents, point to an unsettled child from an emotional perspective. Her sense of self, identity, and attachment seem a bit unstable. Of course it could be that Granny just got her excited about the positives of this school and it will be a whim that passes quickly. But from all you have written about your DD, I would be concerned about her emotional state.

What an extraordinarily high-handed way to behave. I’m not sure that sending DD to any school leading to her fall under MILs influence is at all desirable.

I wonder whether your ex treated you the way your ILs do - in a rather cavalier fashion? Did that at all contribute to the demise of the relationship? If so that might explain DD’s attitude.

Personally I am neutral on the point of boarding school - but I am wholeheartedly against MIL assuming the parenting of your child.

That would be enough for me to reject the school out of hand (though I know you weren’t even considering it before).

Me too. Totally dozy school.

Your whole family situation seems so toxic. I feel so sad for you daughter

None of this is true

Tbf, it sounds totally true.

You want get to live in a different country to you. Your ex seems ok with this too. Both of you prioritise international jobs over keeping your children close.

That doesn't mean you don't love then, but it's an attachment style that for most people would be incompatible with the love we have for them.

You seen determined to jepardise close relationships with family. You don't want her near her dad because she's close to the girlfriend. You want her to go to another country, but not stay with family.

Poor kid.

Did you board as a kid? Because I'm wondering whether you were also kept at arms length by your family and therefore think it's normal.

X is just as angry as I am if not moreso. His mum is a lovely woman but she is a matriarch and has poor boundaries when it comes to her children and grandchildren, especially our dd1.

X and I were relatively young when we had dd1 and we moved back to the UK for a few years when she was still very young. She and FIL grew incredibly attached to dd1 (first grandchild) which was lovely but she started to be quite interfering and critical of X (never directly of me). X would get it in the neck from her about whatever decisions we made etc. She fell off a climbing frame at her nursery and got a gash in her forehead and X was like a schoolboy terrified of his mum finding out. When we moved to France X stopped taking it from her and she did start to back off a bit but it’s still clear as day to everyone in the family that dd1 has a privileged position to them (she’s jokingly referred to by people in the family as ‘the golden one’) and that MIL will never be fully satisfied that her son is taking her advice enough.

DD1 confides completely in X’s youngest sister who will tell us things dd has told her if she thinks they’re relevant but luckily doesn’t necessarily tell her mother everything. Over the summer dd holidayed with all of that family and ever since there’s been a shift in my relationship with MIL. She started to become more interfering again and to be openly critical of me as well as X, which she never would do before. My relationship with dd was at its worst then and I presume dd painted me in a very unflattering light very frequently on that trip. I think for a while dd enjoyed knowing she had a sympathetic ear in her granny no matter what but she also realised her granny would turn what might be a short lived strop or bad mood on dds behalf into a melodrama so she really pulled back a bit from telling her every little thing.

DD knows we won’t be in Spain forever and won’t likely be here when she will be in her senior years of school. We’ve had the conversation multiple times over the years and she’s always liked the idea of going to school in England again so it’s not like this is a brand new idea to her.

However, I don’t think she proposed any of this to her grandmother. I think it was 100% from her grandparents and they were seizing an opportunity. Dd isn’t stupid and knows she’d be spoiled rotten by them but also knows it might get suffocating so the option to board in her second year is a plus. What’s clear though, and what I’m really angry about, is dd doesn’t want to disappoint her grandparents by either saying no to this plan or not getting a place in the school. I’ve told them that they are to tell her she got a place no matter what but that on reflection it’s not the right school.

I understand what people mean about dds emotional state. Every week we still pay for her therapy session but she hates it and we’re lucky if she’ll agree to go one every six weeks. She has a huge amount of friends, and is very outwardly confident and outgoing but inside she gets anxious easily (only we would ever know this) and is a chronic people pleaser deep down.

X and I had decided anyway that whatever happens we won’t move her just yet and she’ll do at least one more year in her current school here. We’ve told dd that and she’s happy with it but also seems to think her grandmother has the power to override that (and she sees the pros for herself in that situation too). I’m leaving it to X to deal with MIL because I want to stay out of any conflict that arises between them.

We honestly had such a lovely boring life for such a long time but now it’s one thing after the other constantly and she’s not even a teenager yet.

It was actually the test they use to award scholarship places that she did which is bizarre. I really can’t get my head around the whole thing at all.

The marriage died a slow death tbh in that we both knew for a while that we were becoming housemates and coparents rather than partners. We stopped loving each other but to our credit we never stopped liking each other.

Despite knowing the end of the marriage was inevitable, I struggled with some rather selfish decisions and how he accelerated things. I didn’t cope well with that accelerated pace and was angry for a while.

We got and kept our ducks in a row in terms of arrangements (custody, logistical, financial) so things were relatively smooth in that sense. The girls never saw us fight or heard us say horrible things about each other. There was a short period where we didn’t speak much beyond essential communication and I’m sure dd picked up on the vibes but she never witnessed any blatant animosity. When I was in my angry phase I wasn’t the best mum to her though and wasn’t patient enough with her. Dd went through a bad period of anxiety and she closed up to almost everyone but came through it in time though I think she’ll always be anxious at heart (people would be shocked to think that if they met her). We’ve done therapy as a couple, as a family and on our own.

The only other challenge she’s had is our new partners. I wasn’t looking for another relationship but found one. It suits me atm that it’s LD but I know that’s not sustainable forever. My youngest has a lovely relationship with him but dd1 is indifferent. X and gf in contrast became very serious very quickly once they met. I think X handled the introductions well and dd1 has loved her from the off.

Dds decision to stay with her dad came as a surprise to us both as there was no obvious trigger at this point in time.

I boarded as a teenager and loved it. Had and continue to have a fantastic relationship
with my family

It's tricky but actually life hadn't been boring for a significant part of your DD1"s life at a significant stage. The drame isn't with her. It's with the adults around her.
DD is doing normal tween stuff in a rather complicated situation which much ne really stressful for you both/all.

Hi OP upthread you also asked for advice from people who've been in similar international situations. I have, with 3dc, most recently last year with a then 12yo dd. Significant differences being no boarding school & and other parent not safe due to verbal abuse, bad/dangerous parenting and MH issues plus many other things I can't go into.

In a nutshell, the decision must be hers (she is 11?) Not yours. You can ask the question as to whether she wants to go, but that's it. Then you accept the answer.

But if her father is a good father and she's happy, that's a really good basis for a happy well adjusted adult. If she knows you are there for her even if you're not actually living there, then ime she'll be fine.

I would absolutely not have moved my dd, had it been safe to leave her where she was. It's such a critical time for their sense of identity and friendships. She's coped ok, made friends well, but not exactly thriving, although that unfortunately in our case is due to the situation created by the other parent. And Kevin the Teenager phase which is no fun for anyone in any family, but it may well lead to permanent resentment and hostility towards you, if you take her away from things she loves. I've seen it happen to others when I was younger, the child concerned grew up into an angry abusive mess.

Didnt read every post on the thread but if her dad's a good dad, that is SO important and something to be really happy about. Unless she's in with the wrong crowd or there are other "environmental" concerns, then prioritise continuity and stability over national identity.

Just put her wishes front and centre, and you won't go far wrong.