Should I send dd to boarding school a year or early

[Kira4]

Have been through big changes as a family as my x and I split almost two years ago. The split was amicable, we’ve stayed on good terms largely and we’ve shared custody 50/50 but my relationship with our eldest daughter who is now 11 has suffered during and ever since the breakup.

We have moved around quite a bit because of our jobs and have been in Spain now for a few years. Dd had already been in international schools and she picks up languages quickly and had no problems settling here. As it not unlikely that we (now separately) will end up moving again at some point, we’d always said we’d consider a British boarding school eventually for the girls so they’d have greater consistency to finish their education.

A few months ago, dd decided to stay full time with my x. I accepted this at the time if it made her happier but presumed it would be temporary. She’s now stopped wanting to even see me at weekends because she’s got so many things on but also because she’s grown very close to my x’s new gf. They seem to regularly do things just the two of them, they speak Catalan together which neither me nor my x speak and dd just seems to think the sun shines out of her. I recently saw photos and videos from a camping trip they went on with friends and dd is bubbly and affectionate with the gf in a way she hasn’t been with me since she was a little kid.

I can’t fault the gf really because she does seem to be kind, whenever I’ve met her she’s been nice and she never overstepped the mark until dd moved in fulltime (I don’t know exactly how much time gf spends at the apartment but I presume it’s a lot).

I speak with my x about dd all the time(can’t fault their parenting) but afraid to bring up the relationship with the gf too much in case it turns into a row and/or they just think I’m jealous of the new relationship- I’m jealous of her relationship with my dd but not with my x.

Im worried any chance I have of salvaging/building my relationship with our eldest before she hits her teens will be lost if we continue like this. I’d like to send her back to England to a school I know she’d love that’s close to my family. I have family connections with the school and could get her a place for next year if we got the ball rolling soon but not sure how to pitch it to my x that now is the right time?

@NOTANUM

Thanks for that advice.

I’m not being deliberately passive in any way but I’m still in a place of trying to understand what the hell she was doing and why while x has gone straight to punishment. The fact she lied repeatedly to his face has really shocked and triggered him. It’s not that I don’t also believe she should have consequences but I’m too baffled by her behaviour still to be as angry with her as x is.

I wouldn’t normally be up for involving anyone else in anything relating to discipline etc but in this case gf was directly involved and impacted as she was the one who had to drop everything and drive across the city, so it feels appropriate that she’s there to hammer home what a stupid thing it was to do. I also think it’ll be good for d to see that she is on the same page as x and I rather than an ally of hers and that we’re something of a united front. I don’t want to blur the lines and promote gf prematurely to an official parental role though?

My initial instinct was to do exactly as you suggested and stay back with d1 while the others were having fun and try to use that time with her productively but I worry now that that would effectively make me the punishment when it’s positive experiences and associations I need to build with her?

Wowser. I'm not even sure where to start! I'll boil it down to this:

Why, on Gods green earth, do you think that sending your daughter away to boarding school is a good idea? Not even in the same country! Your relationship with her has deteriorated so you need to be making sure you put some work in to find out why that is and fix it, rather than blaming her relationship with your ex's new partner. Sending her away isn't going to make her closer to you or love you more, it will just teach her even more that she doesn't need you. God no, its just all kind of wrong, you don't fix things like this with money, you need to change your parenting and reacquaint yourself with your daughter. My heart actually hurts for a little girl who is happy and settled and is possibly going to be ripped out of that during some really formative years and sent off to school so others can raise her. I'm sorry but if you were my mother I don't think I'd want to know you either.

@brogueish
Thanks for that. My goodness the parallels are uncanny- even down to the piercings (although d is still denying they were on the cards).

Really appreciate your insight. May I ask if you ever rebuilt your relationship with your mum and if so how?

@Kira4 I think your ex's girlfriend has become too involved in parenting. None of this is anything to do with her, she shouldn't even really be expressing an opinion as to what the "punishment" should be.

I would tell her thanks for picking your DD up and ensuring that she got home safely, but if anything like this ever happens again you just want her to call you straight away and let you deal with it.

@Kira4 yes, we are very close now but it took time and there were some years of NC. Looking back I don’t think any of us came away looking great tbh. I hope to goodness that if I were ever in my mum’s situation that I would do everything in my power to hold space for my DC in my life and every thought, and to make that crystal clear to them. They can choose to reject it but that space would never disappear. I don’t know if that makes sense?

My friend was in a similar position (new GF of the father), younger child asking "will Kate be there?" when visiting dad, and the older calling her first when something happened - knowing that she will call parents next.

It is logical - a new adult without the emotional baggage of the separation. There aren't many expectations, big decisions, anything, just someone friendly and open who doesn't see them as babies, but takes them as the people they are now. Calling them first is a simple way to both get safe and avoid the parent's first immediate reaction and diffuse them a bit, if they are too tired/stressed/reactive.
In a non-separated families it would often be an aunt who would have a similar role.

If the GF is reasonable, and she seems to be, take her as a part of the village. She isn't replacing you and the children know it.

If you don't want to look as forcing the contact, would some kind of giving a choice work for your situation? (Next weekend, will you be here rather Friday -Saturday or Saturday -Sunday?)

What punishment did DD get for stealing the money?

It sounds like you're thinking of planning a load of treats for when your mother comes.

Isn't DD facing consequences for going off without permission and stealing money?

It’s clear from the latest shenanigan that the gf has no concept of boundaries. Very nice of her to go and pick dd up, absolutely none of her business what the consequences are.

One thing that concerns me is that you say DH is not thinking of staying in Spain indefinitely. What happens to gf then? ? Is she going to move countries with him? Does she speak English, French or wherever he may go? She may not want to in which case they will split at that point.

While some posters have framed the problem with gf in terms of your jealousy, that seems to me rather immature. The bigger problem is that an 11 year old has developed a close bond with an older person who may not be in her life indefinitely, she is in grave danger of getting even more hurt.

Personally I read her kickback against you as your being the designated one to be punished for the pain of divorce. Divorce is very painful for kids even if it’s a relatively smooth one. DH is the one she needs to shmooze so as not to lose him. Inveigling herself with his gf is part of that.

I know MN is very anti BD but the fact is some people hate it and some people love it. I know both. Children who have already moved around a lot internationally are less likely to be phased by it. The bottom line is whether she wants to go. If she wants to go it could work well, if she doesn’t - trying to force her as you know will simply worsen your relationship and you will be punished further.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom

I’d agree with you normally and I don’t want gf involved in discipline etc as a rule but in this instance I think it’s appropriate to involve gf because she was directly involved because d involved her, presumably thinking she had an ally in her who would be separate to her dad and I. I think d wouldn’t do that again knowing she’s on the same page as us

@ZiriForGood

I think the choice thing is a good idea because it’ll give her a feeling of control but first barrier is what to do if she refuses the idea of coming full stop

This has been said to Op at least a 100 times. She is not sending her DD to England.

My mum isn’t coming for two weeks

I'm not saying you should send your daughter to England (don't know enough about your specific circumstances) but if she has family living very close to the school youd like her to attend could she not stay with them and go as a day pupil?

Fair enough.

I took the words ‘new girlfriend’ to mean the person he was dating since they split. I think because the girlfriend had met the ex wife on more than one occasion (and obviously his daughter) she must have been around for a while.

Either way, I think that she needs to listen to her daughter and work out her daughter’s needs (and possibly have family therapy to work on their relationship and get to the root of the daughter’s anger and pain), before sending her to boarding school.

Yes it’s an option, especially if d wasn’t happy boarding, but quite a big ask of relatives to have her full time. MIL would love it but wouldn’t want her to have her fulltime like that as she has boundary issues with her as it is!

Really not picking on you but I think this paints your idea in an even more questionable light.

It's totally understandable for relatives to love spending just a few hours with their grandkids/nieces/etc before returning to their own lives... But then any relatives with such a low level of commitment and willingness shouldn't constitute her only support in that country.

I had my fair share of Disney relatives (limited support but fantastic times) whom I loved... and conversely a Grandma who always had open arms and an open house. I stayed full time with my grandma a few times too due to proximity or other issues. I knew I was always 100000% welcome in her safe haven.

For her to have spoken of boundaries would have been very weird and sad (ofc it was also give and take i.e. even as a stroppy teen I would have v happily shared my bedroom with her if she ever needed to move in with us).

So again understandable for them to guard their own lives, energy, etc, but vvv unsuitable as child's main familial support in the country. Parental figures don't talk about "big asks", "boundaries", etc.

@spritebottle
When I say MIL has had boundary issues with d I mean the other way! She’s been too involved.
There are family members who, if asked, would definitely and happily take her but I would feel quite like it was putting a lot on them, especially as it would likely be for several years. There is also the issue of what d would want. I think she’d love the camaraderie and activity of boarding. While she’d be spoiled by both sets of grandparents they’re obviously not as young and active and my siblings all have younger kids who d loves but not sure she’d relish having to live with fulltime. If she had a choice she’d choose X’s sister but she’s still in her early 20s.

Why can't she'd just stay as she is, with her parents, going to a local international school?

You aren't moving anywhere for at least a couple of years, your ex might never move. If you move, it's unlikely from what you say that she'd be returning to the UK with you anyway.

I still don't see why you'd want to uproot her, except for your jealousy over the new friendship she has with the girlfriend

@Kira4

When would be the logical moment for a transfer to a boarding school in the UK, OP?

I know that your own location will be a factor, as you are likely to move to the UK yourself.

Having said that, as she is 11 now, in which years would the school you have in mind take her? Would it normally be the autumn of 2025?

Do you have a particular school you favour?

PS I know that boarding isn't the choice for everyone, but I get the feeling that it's ultimately the option you would prefer as a family.

@TheSquareMile
We’d like her to be settled somewhere, whatever school that may be, by year 9 or 10 at the latest, knowing she’ll be there to finish sixth form and have that consistency.

We’re very lucky to have connections to our first choice school so unless there’s a sudden surge in d’s year group she will get a place if/when we decide we want one but the admin takes time so there is a deadline for admission for next year.

@Babyboomtastic
X will almost certainly have no choice but to be reposted in coming years, probably to either North America or back to UK. I could stay here a few years longer than that but hope to return to UK in two-three years time and then stay there permanently. We want to avoid having to move d during any crucial school years.

Ok I get what you mean but there should still be some kind of unconditional support for her imo, if her parents aren't in the same country... Not the feeling of her being caught between a rock (beyond a certain threshold, imposing too much on relatives on this side, just a guest and never a daughter) and a hard place (Mum/Dad don't like me getting too involved with Granny on this side). Kids/teens pick up these things for sure.

As earlier mentioned I was a boarding kid myself (and I've always been social; I loved the camaraderie during the years I felt my parents and siblings were present in my life back home, and when they weren't present it was a sort of numbing substitute anyway).

I know people who've lived in different countries from their parents since as young as 7 and were ok as far as I can tell, and others who came in their teens (a great deal from a dysfunctional family situation weirdly... is it that well to do people have messy marital affairs and deal with it by sending their kids away, or is that just most people?) and crashed and burned by their late teens or 20s, or even beyond that.

Not everyone handles/turns out well during a tumultous teenage or young adulthood period, no matter how much their parents love them if the love isn't conveyed and present in a proper way. Not to scaremonger ofc but just to emphasise that unconditional, present support (or access to it) is important.

Agree, the OP should be sorting her relationship with daughter in Spain, while both of them live nearby and not sending the girl abroad.

Of course he has a choice. You both talk as if you have no sat in your own destiny. It's just work. If you want to stay somewhere, then make it work.

If his girlfriend is Spanish and things get serious, he may well not want to move anyway.

I feel very sorry for your daughter's as it feels like stability for them is such a low priority.

@Babyboomtastic
Every job has pros and cons and my and X’s jobs have given us and our kids great opportunities and experiences that they’ve been lucky to have. Our kids have, until our separation especially, had a lot more stability in their lives than many kids who never left the house they were born in but whose family circumstances are far from stable.

X and gf met through work. She’s already been in the UK and has lots of friends etc she visits there and I don’t think she is averse to returning to the UK in theory.