Inheritance

[prou]

Is it ever acceptable to give the majority of your inheritance to one child if you have two?

I have 2 children. My daughter does so much for me, helps me out daily with tasks etc. my son calls once a month. He helps his in-laws a lot but we are lucky to get a phone call. I am going to move in with my daughter and her family in the next few years. I would like to sell my house and give her the proceeds (she has not asked for this and is unaware that I am considering doing this). If I ever needed the money I know my daughter would return it to me. I don't see why my son should inherit such a large sum from me when he really shows no care for us at all. AIBU?

i never expected or wanted to inherit anything from my mother. However when she died and specifically stated in her her will that both my brother and myself were not to receive anything and described us as ‘estranged’ (she stopped seeing me) and no message to explain why (I am one of five siblings) it was devastating to think she could be so cruel - and that’s my lasting memory of her. I fully expected the two children who lived close to her to inherit because they saw her regularly and helped her out - that felt right and just to me.

if I was you I would spend money while you are alive on your daughter and her family eg contribution to upkeep, holidays, maybe a car big enough for you all to go out, anything to make your lives better etc.

in terms of your will - perhaps a sum of money specifically for your daughter ‘in recognition of the care and companionship’ she provided. With the remainder of your estate split 50/50 between the two children. That way her needs will be met first from your estate (if it’s started to dwindle due to care costs) and you have treated your son with fairness and compassion. Good luck with your move OP - so happy you have such a good relationship with your DD.

in terms of your will - perhaps a sum of money specifically for your daughter ‘in recognition of the care and companionship’ she provided. With the remainder of your estate split 50/50 between the two children.

I like that idea. There's really nothing he can argue with, with regard to it being a separate gift.

I would expect him to be upset but the. He doesn’t care about his mother so he getting upset doesn’t hold much water.

His mother had surgery and he couldn’t even call not to talk of visit and we’re trying to justify such behaviour by the need to about him getting upset?

I definitely agree with your point about the letter explaining why. Her son doesn’t seem to care about his sister anyway so I don’t see why he getting update matters.

I disagree, none of this justifies not giving a shit about your mother to the extent she has surgery and you can’t even call not to talk or visit yet you spend lots of time helping your in laws.

Did you miss OPs update where she said he told her not to call him that he will call her when he has time and obviously never has time to even call her to see how she is doing?

I don't want to cause issues between my children. They are not close. After my son got married he distanced himself from me and my daughter. His wife doesn't like him spending much time with us but instead they spend most holidays etc with her family.

I have phoned him in the past but he has told me not to phone him as he leads a busy life. He said he will call me when he is free.

^^

Thats just terrible. I would be so upset if my child said that to me. We’re all busy but that is no excuse to not make the effort to keep in regular contact especially with your parents.

I too have two children. In your situation I would do my level best to give my daughter as much as possible whilst I was alive and the 50/50 split would be the remaining of my assets which by then would hopefully be small.

I think it is a very British attitude to say things like it’s not the job of your kids to care for you or keep you company etc. I’m half British and I totally disagree with that attitude.

your kids don’t have to do full on care, but after all the love and care you invest in them in bringing them up, it is only right it is reciprocated to a degree. There are some very selfish people out there, and why should they still be rewarded for their lack of effort and care?

Actually there is.

He told his mother stop calling him.

I have phoned him in the past but he has told me not to phone him as he leads a busy life. He said he will call me when he is free

Does he call? Yes he’s said the above but are you misleading?

I say similar to my mum on a regular basis. She could quite easily post on a forum or tell her friends that I won’t speak to her when she calls and always say I’ll call when I’m not busy.

the reality is I am busy with a family and full time work. If she phones me when I’m at work, or dropping a child somewhere, I have to say I’ll call her back.

something else I don’t think anyone’s mentioned- the fact that elderly care tends to fall to the female child goes back to women giving up careers to care for children, and men having the responsibility as the breadwinner.

in that common dynamic it’s practically impossible for a man with a full time job to be running around his parents, taking them to dr’s appointments. Women are usually PT or sahm, or have fewer financial responsibilities so are not as dependent on their careers. So that’s how men can end up seeing more of their in laws.

society sets us all up and I don’t always think it’s fair when men can’t step up to help care.

when we had mil living with us dh couldn’t work. Fortunately I am the higher earner and he was able to do so. If we had been dependent on his income he wouldn’t have been able to step up.

You reap what you sow. Your don doesn't care, your dd does. If he is upset so be it.

OP I’m so sorry for your situation. From what you say you really want a better relationship and ideally you would divide everything equally.
In your shoes I would try one more time to tell your son how you feel in your heart and to explain that you want more contact with his family because you love them. I would start to email or WhatsApp periodic cheery messages, letting him know your news and sending love to all. If it changes things then fantastic for everyone.
I’ve come to realise that British people think very differently to most other nationalities with regard to family dynamics. My current friendship set contains Americans, Indians, Germans, French, Swedish, Korean, Chinese and fellow Brits. They actually often ask me about the lack of family values and the disregard for older family members in the UK as they just can’t understand it.
I can reply this definitely isn’t everyone - I may be a long way from my parents but we video call several times a week and I am definitely a big part of their lives. Most of my friends and family are likewise close to their parents.
Your son is being selfish with you but also depriving his own children of a potentially really loving and enriching relationship with their own grandmother.
If the relationship really can not be improved, because he does not want to, then it would sadly make no sense to leave more than a token inheritance to your son and/or grandchildren.
I really hope you can improve the relationship but do not be coerced into sharing your inheritance with someone who is currently treating you so shoddily.

I'd do it more as a monthly rent and paying for things in her house. That way it looks more like you were paying your way than picking a favourite.

Then also leave a lump sum each in your will to both of them.

Oh I agree with those who say "You reap what you sow".

Leave a small amount to each child in the will, gift some to grandchildren and then give your daughter generous amounts while you live with her.

If you want to, you could open a "joint bank account" with your daughter. Put in a large sum of money in there and that account would then be solely your daughter's on your passing and would not need to be taken into consideration in the will.

We don’t know that o/p isn’t “reaping what she sows”

if she has the “a man is a son until he takes a wife” dynamic when raising her children, then it’s coming back to bite her.

if she hasn’t invested emotionally in her son the same way she has her daughter, if she’s brought them up with a “boys earn, daughters care” ethic, then it’s not surprising her son is emotionally independent.

you only have to read boys vs girls threads here to understand how prevalent these attitudes are. Women want girls to bond over girly things, they don’t like football and sport and don’t want boys they’ll have nothing in common with.

where’s the dad? Was he the “boy parent”? There’s a thread running here where dad effectively parents the boys, the mum parents the girls. If he’s off the scene now is that why the boy has moved on from his family?

i’ve seen so many times women agreeing and perpetuating the stereotypes throughout childhood, then being surprised when those stereotypes continue into adulthood.

i’d put money on the two children having completely different memories of their childhood.

everyone telling o/p to cut her child out. We don’t know the backstory. Mil was going to cut her daughter out, yet the daughter would absolutely swear she was her main carer, did everything for her, the son did nothing etc. mil’s point of view was very different- “caring” was coercive control.

Leave a small amount to each child in the will, gift some to grandchildren and then give your daughter generous amounts while you live with her.

If you want to, you could open a "joint bank account" with your daughter. Put in a large sum of money in there and that account would then be solely your daughter's on your passing and would not need to be taken into consideration in the will.

Kookaburra has it right.

Hello everyone.

Just a few points. Some ppl have commented on being British. Just to clarify, we are actually Sri Lankan. Both children brought and raised in the UK with strong family values - both sets of grandparents around a lot until they passed.

I did not treat the children differently growing up. They both are highly successful professionals, both work full time. Both oxbridge educated. I taught them both to cook, to garden, sent them both to football classes as they both very sporty.

I am just bringing this up because it is not the case that my daughter was brought up to be a carer and my son to be an earner.

My daughter doesn't 'care' for me in the traditional sense. I am 70 and relatively fit and able. I struggle with some things in life, mainly technology so my daughter helps me with things like that, also taking me to hospital appointments and surgery etc.

My daughter is very busy, however she will call and check in on me in between meetings perhaps, or whilst going to collect the kids from school if she's working from home. It's those phone calls that give me so much joy. Or if she has a spare 30 mins she may pop over with lunch and we eat quickly together and then go about our daily routines.

She has bought a house with an annexe as she is thinking about the future and thinking it would be nice to have the option for me to move in should I wish to. She will not then become my sole carer, we will have carer's come in to help. If she is going to the supermarket she may WhatsApp me and check if I need anything. It's that level of thoughtfulness that I appreciate. By the way she has never asked me for money or asked about an inheritance etc.

My son - I love him, his wife and children dearly and I take what I get in terms of contact. But it does hurt when they don't visit even on Christmas Day on which day it's also my birthday.

I will not be leaving more to my daughter in my will. That will be 50/50 so my son will still get a significant amount.

My question was more - would it be fair to give my daughter a much longer chunk whilst I'm still alive (potentially a house sale).

I am sorry if I have upset anyone on this post.

The answer is: of course it is.

Of course your money is yours to do with as you wish. However the last thing i would want to leave in my legacy to my children is a sense of any inequality.

Maybe they both see it as unbalanced anyhow and expect it but i still wouldnt want to fuel it. There have been plenty of helpful suggestions and you will be able to ensure the DC who is closer to you gets more in the long run but on your death bed i would try my best to get it as even as possible on whats left.

It’s not unequal to acknowledge the support of one offspring.

If they had both made the same amount of effort then leaving more to one than the other would be unequal. In which case I would advise OP differently.

Why are people so afraid of acknowledging women’s contribution to the care of their parents - in the later years often at personal and financial cost?

Yes give your daughter a bigger chunk while you’re alive - pay her for her time, petrol money etc. etc. then leave 50/50 in your will.

Precisely this^

Yes, give her money to build your annexe or to update her house now. Or even help her to pay for a new house that will give you both what you need. I don't know if your daughter has children, but perhaps pay for her to go on holiday with you with her family if she has one.
You can make her life easier and more enjoyable, just as she does yours.

Just wanted to see if I could make you feel slightly better with regards to your first paragraph.

When my dad rewrote his will before he passed he took one of my brothers (his stepson) off his will, due to many many reasons. The solicitor asked why and added the reasons to the will just in case in her words 'anyone wanted to know the reasons, in case it be contested.

So it may of been added by the solicitor rather than your mother actually requesting it be put x

yes, it is fair to give your daughter money for bills and even rent for living in her annex, it would be unfair not to. it’s - a tough call on the will, I’d go 50/50 but if it turns out that your son really does nothing and doesn’t even call or show concern for you and your daughter does everything I would definitely consider a favourable split to her. You could put a note on your will as to the reasons why so she is not to be blamed.

My question was more - would it be fair to give my daughter a much longer chunk whilst I'm still alive (potentially a house sale).

Yes, it would.

Cut your selfish son out. He has cut his cloth and it’s clear he is a selfish bastard. Leave everything to your lovely daughter who sounds as lovely as you do.

My friend is in a similar situation, she does everything for her mother while her sister does nothing although she only lives a couple of miles from their mother. My friends Mum has changed her will, leaving the bulk, 75% to my friend, 25 % to her other daughter and a letter explaining why she made this decision.