Inheritance

[prou]

Is it ever acceptable to give the majority of your inheritance to one child if you have two?

I have 2 children. My daughter does so much for me, helps me out daily with tasks etc. my son calls once a month. He helps his in-laws a lot but we are lucky to get a phone call. I am going to move in with my daughter and her family in the next few years. I would like to sell my house and give her the proceeds (she has not asked for this and is unaware that I am considering doing this). If I ever needed the money I know my daughter would return it to me. I don't see why my son should inherit such a large sum from me when he really shows no care for us at all. AIBU?

Let me just correct you there.......

You can pay for care out of regular income, not out of capital.

Don't give advice, when you don't know the actual rules.

Just make sure that you ensure your decision is documented as being without duress and that you are of sound mind. Detail what you have said and leave it along with your will. As you say, inheritance is not a birthright and this is your choice entirely

YABU. I would leave my DC the same.

Obviously what you do with your money and property is up to you, but don’t base your decision on a false premise. People express their love in different ways, don’t assume your son loves you less because he doesn’t do as much for you. He sounds like he’s been absorbed into his wife’s family, which often happens. She, rather than he, may be the reason you don’t see as much of him.

One thing you could do is set up a pension plan in your daughter's name which you pay into, so that her retirement is a lot easier.

How sure are you that she'll stay married? If there's any doubt about that I'd save any money for afterwards.

How old are you now?

It sounds like you’re planning to leave unequal amounts to punish or spite your son, because he’s helped his in-laws and your daughter has helped you. The thing is, you’ll be dead- the impact won’t hit you, it’ll hit your children and grandchildren.

Given that you already have plans to move into your daughter’s granny annexe ( presumably she has agreed?) , it would make far more sense to pay your daughter rent, a proportion of bills / food and recompense for care expenses now. In order to avoid accusations of deprivation of assets, I would consider keeping receipts- every fuel bill/ parking ticket for hospital appointments , prescription charges. If your daughter needs paid childcare to provide care for you, it’s reasonable that you’d pay at the time. Cover your costs now, so your daughter isn’t losing money, and split equally in the will.

This is a brilliant idea. If you leave more to your DD after death your DS will always think he wasn't loved as much as his sister.

If he phoned you once a month that's great. How often do you ring him, or send him text, or visit him?

Thank you everyone for your comments. You have made me see things differently. I do not want to cause any issues amongst my children and I think it is better to put my emotions aside and go 50:50 (whilst helping with some household bills)

I have phoned him in the past but he has told me not to phone him as he leads a busy life. He said he will call me when he is free.

Do you have grandchildren?

how do you feel about completely cutting off your son’s children or future children and leaving them with nothing, while your daughter’s children got everything?

someone I know did similar. Paid for a ton of work on the daughter’s house intending to move in. Died before they could move in. Daughter is now sat on a 1.5 million house which will go to her two children, both in their 30’s, great jobs and married. Their other daughter and her children, one of whom has severe additional needs, will never be independent, so she cannot work, has no pension etc, get nothing.

You are sure your daughter would return any money you gave her if you needed it. Then it’s not a gift is it? You’re making her the custodian of the money but not actually giving her the freedom to spend it.

The kindest thing you could do for your DD is to spend your money on living independently for as long as possible. A huge amount of compromise is needed when households combine, and it can be difficult to reverse if things don’t work out. If she’s going to be your carer, let that be her choice, not yours.

Giving generous weekly rent to you Dd definitely seems the best way around this, and then leave the remaining will as 50/50.

This happened in my family and as a result its ruined the siblings relationship forever as a result as there is so much resentment.

Inheritance shouldn't come with conditions. They are both your children and should be treated them same. Not all adult children would be happy housing their parents when they have their own families to consider.

Pay her rent and money for caring for you. If you wanted to could pay it into an account that you have access to also if you were concerned about giving too much away. Then leave the remainder to be split. Then thats fair and your son can’t really argue with that. Xx

Your daughter might not he as grateful as you'd think for the extra generous gift.

My brother is much like your son. It was heartbreaking when a parent was declining. However, I can see why he was like that.

When people ask if what you want for yiur kids, everyone says for them to be happy. If hen is happy, treat him like an equal.

Or talk to him. No point punishing him when you're dead.

Fwiw, if my parent had left everything to me, i would have split it. Because to leave it all to me would reinforce his complex feelings of self isolating to protect his own feelings and it would be my last chance to show that despite outer parent's behaviour to spite him, I'm above it and he can count on me not to make him feel worse.

I have phoned him in the past but he has told me not to phone him as he leads a busy life. He said he will call me when he is free.

Sorry to read this.

I don’t see a problem giving a slightly larger slice to the DC who was there for you. She will save a lot of money for the estate in care fees. It doesn’t sound like he’s a particularly nice person so I’m sure what your DD would lose if he went into a huff over it.

How many of these replies are from people who don’t do much for their parents yet feel entitled to their inheritance nonetheless.

No-one is entitled to an inheritance.

What a shite attitude!

OP what's the backstory between you and your son? Did you possibly play any role in your relationship breaking down when he became an adult?

It's got nothing to do with his wife's family. An adult child wouldn't normally give up on a healthy relationship with their mother. So often the in laws get blamed.

Reflect on that and see if you still resent him as much.

I probably wouldn't leave him less just because he doesn't phone you.

Surely you'd be 'helping with some household bills' anyway, if you're moving in?

If you really want your DD to benefit financially from her kindness and generosity in taking you into her home, you should arrange to pay her a generous amount of rent, as a legal and less fraught way of doing so than a divisive will.

My mum sees my sister almost daily. I send her about 20 messages a year, never call and almost never visit my hometown. I was told 10 years ago that my sister will inherit based on all she does for our mum. I am fine with that because it’s perfectly reasonable.

It’s weird on here tonight. OP, of course you should leave your money how you wish and if you are moving in with your daughter, why would you not leave more to her? Frankly, your son deserves nothing.

All those who say each child should get the same - why should a son who has so little regard for his mother, be entitled to half of her estate when she dies? As people often say on here, no one has a right to an inheritance.

I would be mortified if my DH was as inattentive to his DM as the OP’s son is.