Inheritance

[prou]

Is it ever acceptable to give the majority of your inheritance to one child if you have two?

I have 2 children. My daughter does so much for me, helps me out daily with tasks etc. my son calls once a month. He helps his in-laws a lot but we are lucky to get a phone call. I am going to move in with my daughter and her family in the next few years. I would like to sell my house and give her the proceeds (she has not asked for this and is unaware that I am considering doing this). If I ever needed the money I know my daughter would return it to me. I don't see why my son should inherit such a large sum from me when he really shows no care for us at all. AIBU?

With regards to deprivation of assets, I understand that. If I did move into a care home I have other assets that could cover those fees and in worst case scenario I know 100% that my daughter would return any money that I needed.

If she can’t spend the money what’s the point in giving it to her? It’s hard to see why you asked when you’ve already decided

I'd get good legal advice, OP. But in theory I would leave the same amount to each child with a loving message. And then give or leave an additional sum to the child that had invited me to live with them and say it was in appreciation of the time and freedom they'd given up for me. I can't see that's anything but fair.

This is probably a wise idea

you can pay £7000 in rent for a room as a lidger without incurring tax

You could also gift money monthly, that way there is little come back on your daughter either from authority or your son. I eokk U.K. LD make it very clear to your son that you paid into the your daughters pot for living expenses - just so he’s not under any illusions that when you pass over there isn’t a pit of money from the house sale

Please don't move in with your poor daughter and expect her and the grandchildren to keep you company.

Move to sheltered accommodation or similar - get your company in the communal lounge or take up hobbies etc.

Your daughter will come and visit you, but don't rely on her to be your companion. Please let her live her own life and don't make her resent you.

Money is no compensation for her life.

She is saying pretty much what you are suggesting. No one owes anyone anything. Including inheritance. He doesn't have an entitlement to anything. It's completely reasonable that we leave things to those who make us happy

If both mum and daughter want to live together then who is anyone else to say this is bad.

I would do that. Your daughter deserves it.

Do you? You’d be surprised what money does to people.

so she can’t spend it? So what’s the point? Purely to make sure your son doesn’t get any? That is mean.

as pp have pointed out what if she gets divorced, and has to give 50% to her ex?

what if you give her all the money, then die before you get to move in, or shortly after, so she never actually does any caring for you? Is it still fair?

if you live in her house you know she can change her mind at any point? Then you’re homeless with no assets.

I don't think you can compare how your daughter and son behave because I think in most families, daughters will always be more attentive towards their parents than their sons. Most men will not ring their parents up just for a chat, or to see how they got on at an appointment. They just don't do it naturally. So the fact that your son SEEMS to be spending all his time at the inlaws is probably literally because his wife is just naturally wanting to spend more time with her parents. He just probably tags along, not bothered either way.

I've had years of reminding DH that it's a member of his family's birthday and he needs to sort a card and/or present. Or suggesting that we invite members of his family round. What is the response? "Nah". I mean, he's not a terribly socialbe person, but it does mean that we see my family more, simply because I arrange to. I'm not going to go over DH's head and phone his parents to invite them when he's happy to just speak to them on the phone once a week, and a fortnightly visit in person. They've been on holiday with us a couple of times, both at my suggestion. He was fine with them coming but the thougth just hadn't entered his head to be the first one to suggest it.

I really don't think inheritance should be tit for tat like that. It isn't when someone dies intestate.

@TrailOfTime and she's not obliged to leave him anything just because she gave birth to him. Why do you think he is owed anything 🤔

IF the daughter wants to and is not feeling obliged to because her Mum is getting older and is lonely and she wants to be kind.

And her Mum will get older and more ill and more and more needy and dependent. It's not fair on the daughter, whether or not she sees it now. It'll never be an equal relationship and will get worse and worse.

It's never some ideal mother and daughter as friends relationship when it's like this.

@FiveFoxes I've know. Many such family living situations that were very happy. It's not for others to predict doom and be determined of an outcome. Financial comfort is a major factor. If the dd ends up having to sacrifice a career or spending a lot of family money to help mum it's one thing. But if there are plenty of funds as there appears to be here in this situation, there is nothing to say it won't progress harmoniously as it has with people I know and have known.

Caring can be a massive strain on people. Usually on these threads it’s a woman who has been or expected to be doing all the caring yet getting less than her brother and told that no-one owes her an inheritance (which is true so he’s not owed one either).

Personally in this case I would absolutely be ensuring Dd gets more. I don’t think it’s fair to excuse Op’s son because he’s a man. I’ve never reminded DH to call his parents or that theres a birthday in the family etc. He organises visits to his family himself.

I think if you have a joint account with DD then it falls outside the scope (somebody can correct me if I’m wrong) of inheritance tax. I would be doing things like paying for groceries, works on the house and you can also give away tax free lump sums to her annually and then leave your will as 50/50.

Leave all your money to your DD. Don’t leave any to the man.

Do you love them equally?

Often these things become transactional and almost a measurement of love- you are measuring your son's love by how much he helps you, he may well measure your love by how you divide up your assets- both need to be separated from how you feel about each other - but that is hard to do.

YANBU

Do you have grandchildren?
I think I'd struggle not to split things equally. My Mum is in a similar situation and has one child (my brother) who hardly sees her and is obnoxious to everyone but my mum is still splitting everything equally. My other siblings and I have encouraged this. To cut him out or reduce his share seems really nasty. He will probably see as vindictive. 🫤
The reasons he doesn't see you as much as your daughter will be complex but by treating him equally you will make it perfectly clear that you preferred your daughter and didn't love him. That feels cruel to me.
I do all sorts for my Mum but I still disagree with the idea that the 'caring' children should be reimbursed (unless they are out of pocket or particularly skint).

If you end up living with your daughter you could pay your way without giving her a large part of your wealth.

This sounds like a better plan than waiting til you've gone and causing bad feeling between your son and daughter.

OP is your daughter married?

She might prefer to be left the same amount and not have her relationship with her brother trashed. Gift and support in life.

You mean her son?

He's not just a man, he's her son.

It's your money, you can do as you please.
Personally, I didn't have kids so that they could compete for my inheritance and to reward them for what I believe is better more attentive treatment of myself... but it's your money.

You can pay your daughter for your care out of your income without anyone coming back to try to claw it back for care costs or inheritance tax. I would arrange a weekly amount, tell your son about it, however I would split your will 50/50. It just breeds resentment otherwise.