Inheritance

[prou]

Is it ever acceptable to give the majority of your inheritance to one child if you have two?

I have 2 children. My daughter does so much for me, helps me out daily with tasks etc. my son calls once a month. He helps his in-laws a lot but we are lucky to get a phone call. I am going to move in with my daughter and her family in the next few years. I would like to sell my house and give her the proceeds (she has not asked for this and is unaware that I am considering doing this). If I ever needed the money I know my daughter would return it to me. I don't see why my son should inherit such a large sum from me when he really shows no care for us at all. AIBU?

I don't think 50/50 is fair in these circumstances. I like the idea of "rent" that someone else has suggested. A generous amount each month, which will help her out and recognizes her input, without causing too much drama down the line.

You can't be a shit son, leave the whole burden of care on your sister and expect 50%50 inheritance. Fuck that. That's not fair on her.

Having a favourite that you prioritise and make less effort with the others is very different from one of your children prioritising you when you need care and the other/s not bothering.

The daughter has always been the favourite and because of close bond has chosen to live close by. The sons weren't prioritised by their Mum and so they now don't prioritise her. MIL caused this dynamic.

So far posters have concentrated on the legalities of giving away your money. Nobody has suggested your son might be very hurt by being disinherited or left out of your will. There are many posts on MN by people who have felt very upset and unloved when the contents of the will are made available.
There is no suggestion your son is being deliberately unkind or unsupportive, so it is quite possible he is totally unaware of your disappointment with him.
If you are prepared and content for your son to be hurt after your death, then do go ahead and leave the giants share to your daughter. But do think about leaving a letter with your will explaining your actions. I have one drawn up by my solicitor which explains why my estate is not divided equally between my children.

I get that and I think it’s a very different scenario to the one in the OP.

DH's friend has just lost his mum. I helped him and his DB with applying for probate so I got to see mum's will. Everything was left 60/40 as the DB did more. DH's friend moans about it (he generally likes to moan) but I just tell him, "what did you expect?". It's your money, and inheritance shouldn't be an expectation. There's a lot of good advice on this thread, do what you feel is right.

And this is often seen as girls “naturally” being closer to their mums.

ime treat boys and girls differently. We see it on here all the time, boys are “easy”, girls are emotional and difficult.

what that often translates to is the girls getting a lot more emotional investment while the easy boys are fed, and watered. Then when they grow away in later life it’s attributed to “nature” when it’s because you haven’t fostered the same relationship.

Dangerous. He could argue the daughter unduly influenced the gifts. There could also be a dissipation argument if care home fees are needed. Safer to explain everything in writing with independent witness if making a will, and/or to pay rent

Oh dear.

Well done you. You have a daughter who loves you so much, she will wrap her life around you.

Well done you. You have a son who you raised with such good values, he's there for his in-laws.

So what did you expect, other than raising two good children?

Your daughter does it from the best of intentions and love. So feel free to gift her, husband and children for stuff. Spend and enjoy your money while you can.

But do you really want to die and leave your son in grief and feeling unloved because he's looking after other elderly relatives?

Maybe he feels unimportant because Sis has everything wrapped up.

Everyone who is old is a burden. There are not enough younger financially stable people to go around. But both your children are doing their bit.

So I would spread the joy. Assuming your daughter and husband can financially accommodate you - give them something specific and extra each year - like a 2-week holiday - where they can be alone and stress-free - and someone they trust is at home.

But seriously, care home fees are £2K per week. How long will the sale of your home fund that?

Your daughter sounds amazing. Your son sounds pretty decent. If you have a final amount to spend - I'd work out what you want to achieve with it. Because one way or another, it will be all spent probably before you die.

And you're incredibly lucky. Both your children want to support and feel responsible for elderly parents. You'll always have a roof over your head and people who care about you.

Generously paying your DD for rent and care seems like the best option here. It is logical for you to be contributing and making up any income loss that your DD might have from taking time to provide care. I don't think anyone could reasonably be upset about that.

I think it's sensible to leave the will at 50/50, depending if you care how your son feels about it. I believe that anyone is free to do what they want with their money, but it does send a message. If a person doesn't care about sending that message, then go right ahead. Sometimes it may be justified but it can't be undone.

Do what you feel is right. I know lots of people get worried about the rift that will left behind between siblings, but it’s hardly fair of one sibling to do sod all and get the same amount. If the one who doesn’t help feels left out- tough. Imo you reap what you sow.

If one DC helps out lots more and you hardly hear from the other then a 50/50 split isn’t appropriate IMO.

I had a friend whose mother did this. The other three sibling never spoke to her again. What she gained in wealth she lost in all her family connections.

@OldPerson a wonderful son does not ignore his own mother. If he is such a caring person that he does a lot for his in-laws, where is his consideration for his own mother?
A wonderful son will support his wife in her consideration for her parents, but will also (and primarily) give his mother more than a monthly phone call, and not reject her calls to him.

My friend's mother is leaving her the bulk of her estate as it's my friend who helps her with everything, doctors, shopping and everything else, where as my friend's sister does nothing for her mother. Her mother's will specifically says the do nothing sister is to have 20% of the estate and no more. You can leave your money to who you like.

Yes. I couldn't agree more. This is exactly what has happened here. Boys fed and watered and both left home at 18. Happy, independent and don't need Mum's emotional or financial support. They've never had it and now don't seek it out either. Daughter didn't leave home until 30s and married with first child. She is still dependant on Mum emotionally and financially which is why they are in contact so much. It's not just nature! Sons often get a bad rep but it's not necessarily their fault.

I think that's a fair thing to do tbh, he's actively told you not to call him. And your daughter is providing you care.

I actually don't think it would come under depreciation of assets. You're paying to have the annex. You could even write up a little contract saying the money is directly for the sole use of the annex like a lodgers contract.

Or give her a generous monthly rent for it and pay for things like the kids hobbies and holidays.

I don't think there's anything wrong with showing thanks to someone who is giving you so much of their time.

We are currently going through a legal challenge to my mums will - 4 siblings equal shares - previously dad had done as you are suggesting to do. My sibling is not happy will was changed. We have spent 50k arguing with her. Think very carefully- as one of the siblings my dad deemed not as worthy it hurt - my opinion with my 4 is I have individual relationships with each of them but love them equally

My daughter is the sensible type, she would share with them and even though I know this, once I have gone, it’s up to her what she does. I will go knowing that I did what was right for me and they will look back and wonder why I did that.

No I expected them not to take sides.

And my grownup children lived with their dad. So only got to hear his side.
it is slightly different now, they have seen him for what he is and what I was put through when we were together.

No, it doesn’t. Deprivation of assets has no time frame. Inheritance Tax is 7 years.

Maybe another side... could he be purposefully distancing himself from you so you're not reliant on him? - very often 'grannies', once they're alone, after their partners have died or left etc (older people in general) can get a bit clingy because they're lonely. Could he be trying to force an independence on you?

Is it right to punish him for moving away and having his own life? I have relatives who never really flew the coop, stayed with mum, or lived very close and never really got their own lives...

Don't get me wrong, he might just not care. Is he the sort who would be angry if you split it unevenly and justified it?

@OldPerson You should be a spin doctor or write fiction. What you say there bears no resemblance to the OP's situation.

Do as you wish with your money. Guilt is for the living. You will be dead.