Inheritance

[prou]

Is it ever acceptable to give the majority of your inheritance to one child if you have two?

I have 2 children. My daughter does so much for me, helps me out daily with tasks etc. my son calls once a month. He helps his in-laws a lot but we are lucky to get a phone call. I am going to move in with my daughter and her family in the next few years. I would like to sell my house and give her the proceeds (she has not asked for this and is unaware that I am considering doing this). If I ever needed the money I know my daughter would return it to me. I don't see why my son should inherit such a large sum from me when he really shows no care for us at all. AIBU?

I agree with this. I don't understand this mentality that children are owed an inheritance and it must be split equally, no matter what the circumstances.
OP if you don’t have a close relationship with your son I don’t see why he’d expect the same as someone who has cared for you and been an active part of your life.
Also, if the siblings don’t have much of a relationship then I wouldn’t worry about that impact. In your position, I would want to give more help to the one who had given a shit all these years.

Dh saw his parents regularly. Spoke every day. Nursed his mum with terminal cancer, sat by her bed for a week while she died.

it hurt him a lot when the decision was made without him that his parents would sell up and give the entire house proceeds to his sister. His sister insisted his dad moved in with her, even though we offered our existing annexe, as apparently it’s girls that look after the parents.

his dad was in hospital when the sale went through, and died shortly after. Sil got 3/4 of a million.

YANBU. This sounds very reasonable in the circumstances

I agree that paying rent is a great idea. Perhaps £400 or £500 a month plus whatever extra the bills increase by - you are less likely to have issues with deprivation of assets or your other child feeling aggrieved. Your daughter could find that extra income very handy.

Your daughter can receive up to £7,500 with no tax implications with the rent a room scheme https://www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home/the-rent-a-room-scheme

I've had years of reminding DH that it's a member of his family's birthday and he needs to sort a card and/or present. I couldn't be with my partner if he was this pathetic and had such little regard for his family. Being a man doesn't mean you can't possibly care about your family.

With that said, I've been the one to care for my grandparents (parents still in their 50s) and if I'd have received more inheritance based on that I'd have shared it with my siblings. As it is none of my family has any money so it's never been a consideration for anyone.

Equally, why is he owed OP’s property?

I’m sorry but I disagree with people saying it has to be 50:50 to avoid conflict. They are not close and he doesn’t seem to care about it you or his sister so I don’t see what conflict people are talking about. Your plan to help your daughter with the proceeds of the house sale is fine to me.

The one thing I will say is for you to ensure your wishes are communicated, I have an issue with parents who change their will to be benefit one child more than the other but do it secretly causing arguments and fighting after they pass.

I totally agree.

But then so many posters are conflict averse people pleasers.

If DS makes as much effort with his sister as he does with his mum, what would she be losing exactly?

I see a lot of male entitlement around elderly parents - the DDs do all the hard graft and the men sit back and pick up the cheque.

Why should that be so? Why should women not be remunerated for being the carers? Seems perfectly fair to me.

by your logic why should he expect half of her assets?

And your statement that an ageing mother should not expect help from her adult children is rubbish, yet these adult children expect grandparents to help when they have children right?

I can’t even believe what I’ve just read.

And you conveniently ignore that he spends his time helping his parents in law while ignoring his mother but you act like that is normal.

This.

What possible right would the son have to be resentful about a lesser inheritance, when his behaviour has made it patently obvious just how little interest or regard he has for his mother and his family? He'd be bloody lucky to get anything at all IMO.

If anyone has a potential right to be resentful in this situation it's the daughter, who is taking on the entire responsibility for her mother in the long term. Fortunately there seems to be a mutual, loving understanding here, so hopefully resentment will never come in to it.

Just don’t throw the grenade, then leave it fizzing until after you go, for your children to navigate when they realise what you’ve done. If this is what you plan to do, sit them down and tell them now, so they hear it from you and it doesn’t damage their relationship when you’re gone. Your ds will then understand there was no manipulation by your daughter, and that it was your decision and the reason why. Personally I think it’s wrong, as i don’t expect my adult children to be constantly there, as they have their own lives, but it’s up to you.

It is your choice, but obviously there will be consequences to the relationship your children have with each other. As pp have said skim some off for your daughter and her family. You could pay for home improvements or set up ISAs for her/her DC.

Re my son calls once a month.
How often do you call/visit/invite him to visit you? If you don't see your son as much as you would like, why aren't you making more of an effort to create the same standard of relationship you have with your daughter? You would honestly prefer to just cut him out? Is there more to it than being bad with phone calls? If not, that seems quite harsh on him.

There is a big difference between being constantly there and at not giving a shit about your ageing mother and he doesn’t have any issue being constantly there for his in-laws. His mother had surgery and he didn’t even call not to talk or visit.

Please stop trying to justify normalize selfish and bad behaviour.

I think the PPs who are saying that 50/50 is always the right decision are missing the point about just how awful the son's behaviour has been.

To take a hypothetical scenario, say you've got one sibling who lives round the corner and sees their parents every day. The other sibling lives overseas, but calls regularly, takes an interest in everything that is going on back home, travels back when they can, and basically does their very best to be as involved as they can. Sure, it's shitty that as the parents age, more responsibility will inevitably fall on the sibling back home, but it's not really anyone's fault. I that kind of situation, I agree that it would most likely be wrong to give a greater share of any inheritance to the more hands-on sibling.

But that's not what's going on here. The son has made a conscious decision to basically be a shitty son. I don't think he deserves a penny.

AFter reading your updates, I would stick with your original thoughts. Your DD is going to be providing logistical and emotional and some physical support going forward. Your son isn't interested in hearing from you or seeing you and even told you not to call, yet has plenty of time for his inlaws. I highly doubt ensuring your daughter is looked after after looking after you will damage her relationship with her brother ... I imagine she doesn't have much of one with him in the first place.

nope. obvs it gets harder to prove deliberate deprivation the further back you go but legally there is no limit to how far a council can go back. The seven year gift thing is inheritance tax https://www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs40_deprivation_of_assets_in_social_care_fcs.pdf

I wouldn’t hesitate to give it all to your daughter. She has been there for you and cared for you.
Your Son doesn’t seem to give a hoot which is very sad for you but at least you know where you stand in his priorities and can act accordingly.He doesn’t deserve anything.

it shouldn’t be 50:50 morally but it might cause a lot of anguish for your dd in future if your ds gives her grief over it.
why not just pay for loads of stuff for your daughter; weekly shopping, new dress, meals out, theatre trips, holidays, spa whatever. You can enjoy spoiling her while you’re around to see it and you’ll both have even more happy shared memories to treasure.
your Ds rarely visits or phones so he will never know.

I would never do this with mine. For me, giving an inheritance is not about "what they do for me".

That’s cruel. After hearing that, I’d say if you want to give your daughter the proceeds of your house, do it. Leave your money to who you want, if that’s a bigger share to your daughter than son. Then do it. He has made his feelings clear towards you.

When my mother got infirm she moved in with my brother. She told me before hand that she intended changing her will to give him 2/3rds and me 1/3rd in recognition of the expense and effort he’d be putting in. That sounded reasonable to me. As it happens she died without changing her will, but knowing it was the plan we varied her will to reflect that distribution.

Do you really think your son will be upset, providing you talk to him before hand? I was grateful my brother was prepared to look after her when I was in no position to offer the same help.

What you have to consider is that you won't be there to know how this changes their relationship.

I would definitely give the majority to your daughter. Your son's attitude stinks.

Your situation is totally different though because your husband did all that for his mum. I’d have been shocked and upset by that too. The OP’s son doesn’t seem to have done sod all so it’s cheeky AF expecting something.

Yes. For reasons I won't go into my Will does not split my estate 50/50 between my DCs.