Inheritance

[prou]

Is it ever acceptable to give the majority of your inheritance to one child if you have two?

I have 2 children. My daughter does so much for me, helps me out daily with tasks etc. my son calls once a month. He helps his in-laws a lot but we are lucky to get a phone call. I am going to move in with my daughter and her family in the next few years. I would like to sell my house and give her the proceeds (she has not asked for this and is unaware that I am considering doing this). If I ever needed the money I know my daughter would return it to me. I don't see why my son should inherit such a large sum from me when he really shows no care for us at all. AIBU?

You can do it, OP. It's your money and your choice. But actions have consequences and nothing destroys familial bonds faster than an inheritance left 'unequally' between children when a parent passes.

I would be fully prepared for the fact that it may well destroy any relationship that your children have.

I definitely think you need to take legal advice.

Is your daughter married? If so, you need to think about the implications if she and her husband split up. I imagine he could claim half of it was his.

Do you really want to tell your son that you never really loved him, and always preferred his sister?

Is your daughter aware that you're intending to move in with her? She might not want you to!

I think no, the gift can't be taken back, but the amount will be added to the financial calculation when assessing social care funding. So the person who made the gift could end up with a social care bill and no means to pay.

Seems like the daughter might be taking on her parents care needs, so it may be a moot point anyway.

You sound like you’re hurting and lonely. Our job as parents is to nurture them and help them lead independent lives. If we love them unconditionally, it will be rewarded eventually. Maybe not in every instance or every year, but over time.

I’d give her a percentage of the bills monthly to cover your share of the bills. Also rent to cover the cost of the room. I’d be upfront and tell both siblings in writing (even if it’s on WhatsApp) that this is the plan and any assets left when you’re gone will be split 50:50

I can see why you'd want to leave the bulk to your daughter. It is your money to do whatever you deem fit, however I'd consider how it might impact the relationship between siblings. If they have a close relationship, they may fall out. If they don't.....

Go for it, OP.

My brother is inheriting the family home due to being the ‘son’ even though he does nothing so I think it’s great you’re rewarding your dd’s caring behaviour.

Paying rent would be better for tax reasons as much as anything. Your son isn’t doing anything wrong though and your idea to leave him nothing out of spite is a bit shitty.

I don’t think the reasons you give are adequate but I think there are circumstances where it IS reasonable.

My sons both have ASD, one will be able to live independently, one not. The one who needs more support will be left more.

Make sure you seek legal and financial advice, and draw it up as a proper agreement of the money as a gift.

it needs to be absolutely clear you are giving any gifts voluntarily, and of your own free will. Your son will need absolute clarity that his sister hasn’t coerced this money out of you, it wasn’t a loan, it was a gift you wanted her to have and not to him.

currently dealing with a very similar situation and it’s horrible. There is no evidence that it was a true gift, the “son” is devastated that effectively the parents have given his sister their house (over 500k) and him nothing. He is challenging and she now can’t prove it was “given” as she made the transactions on behalf of her parents.

document everything so there is no doubt. Personally if you move in I’d give your dd a generous amount in rent/expenses, and leave your will 50:50.

It's your choice and depends how you view inheritance really.... It's quite transactional though isn't it? Be nice/good/look after me and I'll give you the reward.... Do you love them both equally or do you prefer your daughter more because she's able/willing to care for you?

100% YES - your money, your choice. Judging by what you said, I am 100% with you.

You own no one nothing. You did your bit rasing up the kids and if one is helping you and the other is not, go for it!!!

Funny that OP complains about lack of engagement with her son.

What's the point of starting a thread if you have no time to engage with posters.

Personally I'd write a will that clearly states that you haven't discussed your decision with your daughter an that she is unaware of the contents of your will. But the fact your son doesn't bother more than a phone call a month means that the "burden" of looking after you had fallen on your daughter and that is why she is getting more.

Hello
With respect as you Asain? I ask because Indians did that and most still do. I can see the backstory re giving to "son/s" only back in the motherland but in the UK, not really.

If its not based on culture ie son gets the dosh, then ok but otherwise its an outdated and backwards thinking practice.

With us - we are intending to leave most of what we have if anything is left to our grandkids as we have already substantially givfted our three kids and not in equal amounts as two are top 5% earners the other has more humble earnings ie less than 100k

Your money, your choice

Omg how awful.

He didn't ask to be brought into the world, how cruel.
He phones once a month that's far more than most sons.
It's natural that usually mums and daughters are closer and your son will get punished for your jealousy because he's closer to his in laws.

Not fair.

Giving your dd more but not much more.

Maybe something else is going on. Does your son live nearby? What is everyone’s family circumstances? Have you considered that your son feels pushed out by your close relationship with your daughter, for example?

I’d just split it 50/50.

I wouldn’t do this, I don’t link inheritance with care.

OP do you phone your DS, do you ask him to join in activities, check he’s ok etc?

I remember when my PIL’s got older and it seemed that their phone didnt make outgoing calls.

No. Deprivation of assets is only considered if the older person gives large gifts after it's become clear that they'll need care.

For instance my previously very fit mum had a disabling stroke one night. From the day of that stroke she could no longer spend her money at she'd planned. For instance she had a savings account, the proceeds of which she'd intended to give her two grandchildren when they needed a house deposit. But as the account was in her name she could no longer give it to them, as it would be assumed that she was giving a large amount of money away to avoid paying for the care that she now knew that she would need.

Had she given the money to them the week before, it would not have been considered deprivation of assets.

Local authorities can go back as far as they wish if they suspect deprivation of assets. The seven year thing relates to inheritance tax.

To answer a few questions.

Apologies I didn't make it clear. My will will remain 50/50. However my house (which is probably 50% of all my assets) I wanted to sell and give proceeds to my daughter and her family. My daughter has a granny annex so the plan would be move in there and I would also get home help/carers a few times a day. But for me I appreciate the company so having my daughter pop by, the grandchildren pop by after school etc.

I don't want to cause issues between my children. They are not close. After my son got married he distanced himself from me and my daughter. His wife doesn't like him spending much time with us but instead they spend most holidays etc with her family.

Whilst I don't want to link inheritance to care, I also don't believe an inheritance is a birth right. I have worked extremely hard to build my life (my parents had nothing) and I do feel somewhat sad that my son didn't even call me to wish me good luck when I had surgery last year or check in with a phone call after.

However I do understand what you are all saying and appreciate very much your comments. I thank you all very much.

There is no such thing as duty and rewarding a child who has been ‘a better child’ because they’ve done more is just shitty. A lot of the time, one hasn’t done more when it’s all tallied up, they’ve just been seen more and it comes down to a frequency thing.