Why are you married?

[Aquarius1234]

Why did you bother getting married?

Do you feel one or both of you are insecure hense the marriage?

Do you feel superior to those in long term relationships but not married?

If I’m honest, mainly because it was the ‘done thing’ in our social circles. And we planned on having kids so I believed it made us feel more of a ‘family’ and more committed etc. I don’t feel superior to non married people and it wasn’t because one of us was insecure. Just a natural next step!

We'd bought the house, and had the kids. So after 11 years together, we thought we might as well.

You're conflating several different things here.
Marriage definitely provides more security for the more vulnerable party.
It doesn't prevent splitting up - in fact, that's when being married comes in useful, as it results in a more equitable division of assets.

Whether 'those that aren't' need to worry depends on their life situation. No kids, or already have significant assets each... no problem.

Parents (usually women) giving up work to care for children are a different story. In the event of a split they'd only be entitled to half the house (if they're even on the mortgage - a surprising number aren't).
Either owner of a joint account is legally entitled to clean it out. If married, the total would be considered as the property of both parties, and has to be divided as the court decides.
CMS is a piddly amount, and the SAHP has no right to any of their partner's individual assets, including pension! A big one!

HTH.

I wanted children and I don't trust anyone enough to do that with them without a legal agreement in place that (at least in theory) gives me additional rights and protections if they fuck off leaving me holding the baby.

I am not a romantic person who believes love conquers all.

I don't care what other people do. I just advise them to know the facts of whatever choice they make and go in with their eyes wide open. And choose with their head not their heart.

It is sad to be financially depending on a partner though.

I agree that the romance of weddings and the legal protection and benefits of marriage should be seperated.

Then we could have just signed the legal financial contract when we bought a house after around 2 years instead of wasting 10 years to realise the importance of marriage for financial reasons rather than our silly idea that it was just a romantic piece of paper.

Once we got rid of that notion we got married within a month.

Op I do think being married helps you stay together during the bad times, of course. It's hard work though. Ups and downs and all of that. But I'm glad we did it.

Thread after thread on here of miserable women who didn't get married but did SAH with children, not on the house deeds, meaning they can never ever leave no matter how shit the DP is, because they would be homeless with their children.

SO GREAT!

At the time, 45 years ago, it was pretty much the norm. The only people I knew who lived together were divorcees. Likewise generally people married at a younger age than now.That was just how it was.

We wanted to be together and we still do.

Yes it absolutely is the normal thing thing in society standards. Relationship, engaged, married, kids.
Legal reasons and financial reasons. Same name or double named surname.
It's a mainstream thing to do. Being born in the last 100 years etc etc
No idea about those born year 2000 +
I definitely am shocked when I hear someone of 21/ 22 getting married.

The catalyst for our marriage was that DH got an amazing job in the US and being his wife rather than gf enabled me to get a visa so he could take the job and we could move there together.

That said, if we hadn't moved to the US we would have got married anyway but probably several years later when planning to have children. Being legally and financially tied enables us to make decisions that are best for the family unit, rather than ones that are best for us as individuals. For example, I took time out to have children and I wouldn't have felt safe doing that if unmarried. Which would have been a shame really since it's what I wanted, what my DH wanted, and what (I feel) is best for my DC.

I have a friend in a LTR who is unmarried with a child and her set up works for her. They don't frequently move country like I do, and they share childcare equally. There isn't really a reason for them to get married that I can see, aside from inheritance and next of kin stuff, but I assume they aren't worried about that.

OP made the mistake of thinking marriage was a trap.
It's actually the opposite, if you have kids.
I have no idea why people think signing a piece of paper that gives them rights is a huge commitment.
But creating living things, that will need feeding, housing and raising for the next 18+ years, together with another person, isn't.
The mind boggles!

Out of interest what type of relationship means you can stay at home and not work with a partner but no kids?
Very few men would pay for that.

"Why did you bother getting married?" Because I love my partner, we'd lived together nearly 10 years and I'm a big romantic (I also proposed)

"Do you feel one or both of you are insecure hense the marriage?" This question sounds a bit loaded and perhaps projecting lol, however, I've never trusted anyone more in my life and visa versa. Happily married for over 10 years.

"Do you feel superior to those in long term relationships but not married?" Most of my friends that are in long term relationships are not married, I don't feel superior to them at all.

On top of the romantic stuff, there's alot of legal benefits to getting married, we're each others automatic next of kin in an emergency, we also own a house and have a child (I like sharing the same surname with my family).

I consider myself a massive Lefty feminist too if you think that sounds a bit conservative. I like marriage for both romantic and legal reasons, I enjoyed my wedding and our honeymoon too. However absolutley no judgement about those who don't want to.

I am curious why you ask though OP, what triggered this?

I have know this to happen in immigrant families where the spouse has no right to work in the country.

But yes it's not the norm and I agree most men wouldn't want it! Unless they have tens of millions and the wife's salary is irrelevant.

Or if the wife is sick.

I loved my DH, he loved me, and we wanted to make a public and legal commitment.

It was no more complicated than that.

But, DH died last year, and being legally wed made the legal processes much easier.

It very much seems any one in their 20s is doing it for legal reasons mainly.
Just can't understand 26 year olds desire for marriage.

There are absolutely loads of men who have their own business and stick the wife on as an employee for tax reasons. Kids or no kids. My old boss's wife was the "Company Secretary" on paper but I never met her.

My new partner and I are both 52 and divorced with adult children. Getting married is pointless for us.

However, I have sons and I’d be disappointed and embarrassed if they strung along the mothers of their children. I don’t respect men who refuse to marry their girlfriends when they share children, the girlfriends having to pretend to be cool with it then posting on Mumsnet naively asking about their “rights” (few!) .

My partner has a 20yo daughter who’s in love with a nice man, but I hope she won’t have a baby and go part-time without being married.

The name change thing can be separate to marriage. I am married without changing my name. My unmarried friend did change her name by deed poll. If you want to double barrel thats also a deed-poll process, yet most of those people are married.

Yeah I got a very superior vibe from a so called Christian woman. She told me my partner (long term, much much longer than her fledgling relationship) obviously didn't think much of me as he hadn't married me

I think she forgot it takes two people to agree to marriage.

Anyway, we eventually married after decades together (legals) and she got divorced after a few short years of making his life hell.

Yes more like actors, professional sportmen, musicians etc

DH and I are married because it would've been silly not to, in our circumstances and with our preferences.

I got married because it was my ideal. My parents have been married for decades and I wanted the same success.

Unfortunately I chose badly and we are near the end of the legal divorce process.

I think marriage for my generation was regurgitated as a goal so much in 1990s rom-coms that it was a major ambition for most of my circle. Now I'm older I wish I had waited until the right partner had come along.

My DB on the other hand, has been with his (older! Divorced!) partner for 20+ years and has no desire to marry. His partner also doesn't want to go through that rigmarole again. It's as good as a marriage and they have legal bits in place should one dies (my brother was very ill years ago, which put a lot of things in perspective) so I think they are a success too. I now identify with my "sister in law" because I don't want to go through this hassle and money and stress that I've spent disentangling myself from someone again.

I think if you find the right person and you work at it then marriage is a good thing. It brings stability and certainty, and can bring couples even closer together. However, if you choose badly, it's a right royal pain in the bum to sort out.

My Mum made me