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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why are you married?

256 replies

Aquarius1234 · 12/05/2024 13:05

Why did you bother getting married?

Do you feel one or both of you are insecure hense the marriage?

Do you feel superior to those in long term relationships but not married?

OP posts:
Aquarius1234 · 12/05/2024 15:06

Tanyahawkes · 12/05/2024 15:04

So similar age to me, we aren’t old fuddy duddies, I hope I didn’t offend, I just see myself as young (at heart maybe 🤣) still

I feel young considering I'm unmarried and single. Missed the memo obv.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 12/05/2024 15:11

Tax, inheritance, security for my DH. I'm the higher earner.

SecondHandFurniture · 12/05/2024 15:12

You post about this a lot, OP. And repeatedly mention marriage as being old-fashioned, "Conservative", only done to portray a certain image, etc. I don't think we're going to change your mind.

Tanyahawkes · 12/05/2024 15:21

Aquarius1234 · 12/05/2024 15:06

I feel young considering I'm unmarried and single. Missed the memo obv.

If this is what works for you that is great, do you feel above people who get married? I mean this as in do you see in your opinion getting married as pointless for all people, and you see yourself being single as the way to go?

Mytholmroyd · 12/05/2024 15:21

I do sometimes worry when I hear a women gives up her career to raise children and doesn't have the legal protection of marriage, especially after so many years on MN.

As @CoffeeCatsAndVodka said I don't feel superior at all but no way was I going to give up/put on hold my career to have children without the legal protection of marriage. So when I know someone who has children and isn't married that is usually how I feel - worried for the mother in case it isn't a happy ending because I am too cynical/practical. And this is the advice I have given my own daughters.

That said, I have been happily married for 35 years to a very kind and generous man who supported me through university and I have a much better career now (and earn more than him!).

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 12/05/2024 15:22

Answer to question 1) getting married was a bother. I've known my husband and we've known from a young age (early teens) that we wanted to be together. Getting married was a natural progression in our relationship. I wanted to be his wife, he wanted to be my husband. We wanted to get married for love. We both wanted to be married before children also.
2) never felt insecure in our relationship. If you're insecure then getting married wouldn't magically fix this.
3) No I don't feel superior, nope. Everyone's relationships are different. I feel very lucky to have found my husband at a young age and from being early teens we knew we wanted to be together long term. I'm 3 years younger than you @Aquarius1234 and have been married 10 years.
We were the first get married from our friends, a lot of our friends are getting married now, some of our friends will never get married.
I'm happy for them and celebrate with them and they have also found the person they want to be with whether they are getting married or not. It's none of my business.

GoodAfternoonGoodEveningAndGoodnight · 12/05/2024 15:22

Aquarius1234 · 12/05/2024 13:05

Why did you bother getting married?

Do you feel one or both of you are insecure hense the marriage?

Do you feel superior to those in long term relationships but not married?

Because I wanted to Confused

No

No

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 12/05/2024 15:24

That was meant to say getting married wasn't a bother 🤣

Alwaystired23 · 12/05/2024 15:27

Loads of reasons. I was in love, wanted children, wanted to go on MAT leave, and reduce my working hours whilst my children were little, and I wanted the financial security being married offered during this time. I also wanted a wedding, a wedding dress, bridsemaids, a cake, a big party, a honeymoon. It really was one of the best days of my life. If not the best day. I don't wear a wedding ring, nor does my husband. Although we do have them. I didn't get married because I was insecure. I was and still am a great catch. I don't really think much about if other people are married or not to honest..it makes no difference to me.

Squirrelblanket · 12/05/2024 15:32

We got married because we thought it was romantic and we love each other. Also the legal stuff making things easier if something happens to one of us. We got married ten years into the relationship and eloped so it was literally just about us.

I don't judge unmarried couples, I don't care what others do. Some people are always going to be judgey. I get judged for being married but having no kids (by choice). People are weird.

Greyheronsarethebest · 12/05/2024 15:38

love and legal protection. I wouldn't want to have DC outside marriage. We didn't have a party and don't wear rings. Hth

RamblingEclectic · 12/05/2024 15:47

I've never viewed getting or being married as a bother. I also don't think whether or not one feels young has anything to do with relationship status.

I'm married because my now-husband and I spent time talking about what we wanted for our future and those discussions led to discussing marriage. Same reason I have kids.

We weren't conservatives then nor are we conservatives now. We married as teenagers out of love and consideration of all the options before us. This is the one we wanted to have together.

Were either of us insecure? If I was insecure in my relationship then, I would not have married him then. While I've heard of people marrying to save a relationship, I genuinely do not understand what insecurity has to do with marriage or otherwise legally attaching yourself to another person. Even after discussing marriage and the future for months, I took a day to weigh pros and cons and different ways it could go when he proposed. I knew there were risks - I was a teenager, but I wasn't entirely foolish. I was as confident in that relationship as it was then and that choice as I think I could have been, and decades on, I view my decision to marry my husband as 100% the best choice I've ever made.

Do I view myself as superior to those unmarried in long term relationships? No. There are pros and cons either way. It's more important to be intentional and prepared for inevitable like death to protect one's loved ones than doing that one specific way.

Do I view it as an accomplishment to have been happily married for over 20 years and take some happiness and pride that I have a healthier marriage that outlasted those who taught me as a child that girls like me don't marry, shouldn't marry, shouldn't be dated, and a host of other vile things many disabled children to this day still sadly get told? Yes.

livingfreedom · 12/05/2024 15:51

Ive nerver been married and i never want to be.
Its up to others what they want to do.
It goes against my religion.
Is it now 1 in every 4 marriages that end with divorce looking at mumsnet it looks like 1 in every 2.

stayathomer · 12/05/2024 15:53

Because we loved each other and wanted to make it a for life thing really! No I don’t feel superior, all of my single or non married friends lead much more exciting life’s than me (but I’m happy with my lot and lucky)

Newtonianmechanics · 12/05/2024 16:01

'One day you may meet someone and decide they are the right person and want to be married to them. And then you will know why.'

This comment does give the op's post some support on her smugness of others point.

CrotchetyQuaver · 12/05/2024 16:07

I got married because I adored him, a baby was on the way and I wanted to. 30 years on I'm still happy to be married to him even if he does annoy me sometimes.

Why wouldn't anyone want to be married, it's the legal and financial aspects that I think become more important the older you get.

ohyesido · 12/05/2024 16:13

So I can get my sexual needs met

Windypants21 · 12/05/2024 16:19

As a single childless older person who has read lots of mumsnet stories, i wouldn't advise any young woman who is going to live with a man and bear his child or children, to be anything but married, unless they are entirely financially secure in their own right.

CKL987 · 12/05/2024 16:19

Visa reasons only. Put me off marriage even more. I do understand the Financial and protection reasons some people have but it shouldn't need to be that way. The laws are ridiculous in mu opinion.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 12/05/2024 16:22

Aquarius1234 · 12/05/2024 13:05

Why did you bother getting married?

Do you feel one or both of you are insecure hense the marriage?

Do you feel superior to those in long term relationships but not married?

No, but I do feel superior to people who start goady threads trying to shame people for making a personal decision about their own relationships! 🙄

And it's definitely not a Conservative thing!

tennistimetomorrow · 12/05/2024 16:23

I was happy being unmarried for many years until a friend pointed out to me how stupid I was being financially. So we married and if we ever divorce I’ll now get half of our not inexpensive home.

CurlewKate · 12/05/2024 16:24

I'm not!

SlothsNeverGetIll · 12/05/2024 16:25

We were anti marriage for the first 10 years of our relationship. We didn't really see the point.
But we have never wanted kids and didn't want unnuanced people thinking that is in any way a reflection of our level of commitment to, and love for, one another. So we did it as a show of unity.
I also love that, once married, people can say "We've been invited for dinner at the Sloth's house", "We're having Christmas drinks with the Sloths" etc. Well, in my case they can, as I took my husband's name.
We're celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary next week!

In our circle we know:

  • Married couples with kids
  • Married couples without kids
  • Unmarried couples with kids
  • Divorced couples
  • Couples where the wife took the husband's name
  • Couples where the wife kept her own name
  • People on second marriages
It's such a mix, it feels like the whole concept is on its way out.
Trixiefirecracker · 12/05/2024 16:26

Love being married. Wanted big party and to hang out with all my favourites. Legal reasons helped too and we both wanted kids, i do love it that we all share the same name.

Aquarius1234 · 12/05/2024 16:28

Omg perhaps I should ask do any of you lot think by getting married it has helped you not split up and have a more secure relationship..
And if not those that aren't don't need to worry.

OP posts: