Won’t you be hot in that? Aibu to think don’t ask someone this?

[beenoutontheopenroad]

I’m overweight (I’m doing something about it but regardless) and I hate showing parts of my body which is difficult when the suns out.

Yesterday I met up with friends and had a t-shirt on that was a 3 quarter length sleeve. Straight away I got asked “won’t you be hot in that”.

If you’re that person please just don’t comment this, it personally makes me feel shit as it’s taken me ages to get ready and I already feel so far out of my comfort zone . It’s also irrelevant to you if I’m hot as I’m the one who has to deal with it.

I have said it before and I will say it again. I am 70. When i was a child I was taught not to make personal remarks unless they were good compliments. I can be resilient....Does "fuck off and mind your business you mouthy cow" count as resilient?

I've explained above why it IS my business if someone's lack of planning affects me and other friends.

Perhaps some of us are unconvinced that it affects you sufficiently to excuse your personal comments about other people’s choice of clothing.

People could just say nothing. It’s not hard to keep comments to yourself.

Unless someone looks like they’re in trouble, hurt, swaying, due to their clothing choice, no comments or faux questioning is necessary.

It's still not your business.

If you chose to let someone else's clothing choice dictate how you spend your time, then that's on you.

Rather than dictating how others should think or speak, why not focus on strengthening your emotional resilience to disregard any perceived 'hurty' words.

You can be resilient and also think people are being rude for making comments about your personal choices of clothing that doesn’t effect them. It is not an either/or situation

No, it's not on me actually. You often get no choice in it.

You'd tell someone who asked if you were hot to fuck off? or have I misread?

Well, maybe you need to find friends who can dress themselves appropriately then.

Well, yes, ideally. The fact is that people are not perfect unfortunately.

They're not, but that doesn't mean you can make negative or inappropriate comments about their choice of clothing.

As I've said I don't know how many times, if their stupid choices affect me I will make comments or ask questions about their choice of clothing. People do it for me as well and I just answer.

And "won't you be too hot/cold in that?" is neither negative nor inappropriate nor personal actually. It's a perfectly normal question about clothes and the weather.

Okay so no comments about appearance.

Can I ask how your family are doing? Because what if they’re not doing well and it’s triggering, or you’ve had a fall out with them that you don’t want to talk about.

Can I ask what you did at the weekend? What if you were so depressed you didn’t get out of bed and are ashamed about that.

Oh, maybe where you’re going on holiday. But oh no - there’s a cost of living crisis and what if they can’t afford to go away and now I’ve upset them by reminding them.

I could ask what’s for tea tonight, but that’d be commenting on eating habits so that’s best avoided.

Maybe I’ll ask about work… but if someone had been put at notice of redundancy then they won’t want to ruin the day talking about that.

EVERYTHING has the potential to be triggering. And all of those examples have more chance of upsetting me than something as trivial as comment about the clothes I chose to put on that morning, which is something I can change if I take the comment to heart. I’m hardly walking round telling my friends they have ugly noses. I’m caring about their wellbeing.

So is it just personal appearance? eating habits have also been mentioned on this thread. Just so I know, what is weirdly and arbitrarily out of bounds too? I assume politics, religion and money… anything else?’

@DaisyHaites I got into trouble the other day asking an acquaintance what she was reading. I was informed that she doesn't have time to read, and she can't afford books. I did want to mention libraries, but I decided to let it pass, and slunk guiltily away because I do have time to read a bit.

If they were saying "aren't you hot in that?" "shouldn't you be wearing something else" "won't you be cold?" "what will you do if it rains?" and similar crap then yes. I reserve the right to speak like a resilient person!

Would you actually say that to someone (anyone) who asked if you’d be hot in that? Really?

Good to know @godmum56.

So if you were chatting with a vicar at a wedding you’d say it? If a little old lady at the bus stop said it you’d say it? No you wouldn’t.

EVERYTHING has the potential to be triggering. And all of those examples have more chance of upsetting me than something as trivial as comment about the clothes I chose to put on that morning, which is something I can change if I take the comment to heart. I’m hardly walking round telling my friends they have ugly noses. I’m caring about their wellbeing.

We’re all different aren’t we on what we find annoying, upsetting, or your words “triggering”.

If you’re close friends with someone, wouldn’t you already know most of the answers to those examples.

Asking what someone is having for tea, is also not the same as asking someone about why they are wearing xyz because you think they should feel and dress a certain way due to your own personal feelings about the weather. It isn’t hard to distinguish the difference.

I hadn’t thought about the dangers of that question! Thanks for bringing to my attention, I’m going to need a notebook to keep track of what’s okay to say and what isn’t!

I get irritated by this too...I dont like wearing socks...even in the middle of winter i will be barefoot if possible....the amount of stupid comments i get telling me my feet must be freezing is unreal....its gets tedious and tiresome after a while.

The only ime I commented on what someone was wearing was when DH and I took some American visitors to York for the day. When we picked them up from the hotel the wife was wearing very high heels. I gently suggested that she might want to wear something more comfortable on her feet as we would be doing a lot of walking, and not all of it on flat pavements.

She said that she was used to wearing heels all the time, so I didn't say anything else.

I’m so glad you picked that question as your example.

I intermittent fast so often don’t eat an evening meal. It’s not weight related but I’m pre-diabetic and when I say I’m not eating tea, there is an inevitable next question of ‘why’ when I’m clearly not overweight or trying to lose weight… Why do you think it’s okay to assume I eat a certain way based on your own personal feelings about food? You’d be forcing me to lie or lead into a conversation about my medical history that I might want to share.

I’m also a very picky eater and so I hate answering questions about what I’m planning to eat. So you would have offended me WAY more by asking that question than if I was hot in what I was wearing. But I know that’s a me thing and so due to my resilience, I’m not asking everyone to be more sensitive when asking a question that would be benign to most of the world…

And I know those things about my friends - because I ask those questions and they choose to share or they don’t (also, I don’t just speak to ‘close friends’, I interact with a whole range of people from stranger to acquaintance to friend to family).