Won’t you be hot in that? Aibu to think don’t ask someone this?

[beenoutontheopenroad]

I’m overweight (I’m doing something about it but regardless) and I hate showing parts of my body which is difficult when the suns out.

Yesterday I met up with friends and had a t-shirt on that was a 3 quarter length sleeve. Straight away I got asked “won’t you be hot in that”.

If you’re that person please just don’t comment this, it personally makes me feel shit as it’s taken me ages to get ready and I already feel so far out of my comfort zone . It’s also irrelevant to you if I’m hot as I’m the one who has to deal with it.

Police everyone by saying you don’t have to negatively comment about someone’s outfit?

You have freedom to do what you want. You’re choosing to be dick and that’s fine.

I mean now they ARE stupid comments 🤦🏻‍♀️ 😂

I agree. I usually assume other adults know what they're doing without any input from me.

I sometimes wonder how the thought process goes…

Oh look, Beth’s wearing long sleeves. I’d be boiling in long sleeves. If I wore what Beth’s wearing I’d be really uncomfortable. Beth must be really uncomfortable because all people are exactly the same. She must be boiling. But even though I’m certain she’s boiling, I’ll ask her, just to be sure.
“Beth, aren’t you boiling in that?”

Oops, the quote disappeared from my comment. It was about only mentioning something like this to a child, not an adult!

This. Your weight issues would never have crossed my mind or warranted a second of thought. People are just making conversation, that is all. It's not even a rude thing to say. People really can't win these days.

All the way and as the hill I die on.

As Ricky Gervais says:

Everyone has the right to be offended. Everyone has the right to offend. But no one has the right to never be offended.

Having the right to offend people is the kerbstone of free speech. I don't want to live in a world where I have to unduly pander to the feelings of others, particular where it is clearly in an obviously well-meaning context and as mundane as "will you be too hot".

I agree, OP - it’s a PITA. The only reason I tend to feel chillier than dh is because I’m a chilly type, and he’s got inner central heating. I had to tell him very firmly to STOP! saying this! If I thought I’d be too hot, I wouldn’t be wearing it!

To retaliate, I started telling him he needed a jacket - on the sort of day when 999 people you saw out of a thousand were wearing one - because it was cold!

He doesn’t irritate me by saying it any more.
I have a dd with the same inner central heating, though - she still says it now and then.

Why does making conversation have to involve making unwanted comments about someone else's appearance or choice of clothes, though?

People could be wearing long sleeves for all kinds of health reasons - to help protect against cancer, or to hide SH scars, or to hide surgery scars. Why comment and make them feel self-conscious or like they have to explain themselves?

IMO the only comments you should make about clothing or appearance are positive ones.

definitely not the most stupid comments though

I have had...

• how do you have a shower with that on?
• do you sleep in it?

I feel your pain, I get those comments all the time and it's annoying!! I cover my arms and legs as one - I'm a little overweight since having 2nd baby last year, 2- I am really pale and don't tan easily so no point having my body on show and 3- I also have some weird sun sensitivity so end up with a rash if I get sunburnt. Literally all summer I get aren't you hot in that, get your arms out, get your legs put etc. "NO FUCK OFF AND LET ME BE"

This illustrates perfectly how ridiculous the commentary is!

Well, even though I’m an adult, sometimes I am inappropriately dressed for the weather.
Because I haven’t paid attention to the forecast, because I have absent-mindedly failed to pick up my coat or just grabbed the nearest shoes out of habit, because it looked sunny out of the window but actually the wind is bitter.

So if someone points it out to me when I am still in a position to do something about it, I’m usually pathetically grateful (even when I have actually paid attention and dressed this way on purpose.)

Many times I have ended up buying clothes on a day out because I am drenched or boiling or freezing.

I surely can’t be the only one. In fact I know I am not - although to be fair I am closely related to most of the other people I know that do this.
If I am with my family, we always closely interrogate clothing choices, and it often still ends up with someone getting it wrong.

@fieldsofbutterflies because you are making the assumption I gave you/your list more headspace than it requires. I literally just said this to dh today, I felt hot and saw him in a long top and said the same to him. I don't have anything sinister behind it, just a thought that came out.

Yeah, I totally understand that and I did say upthread that it was probably thoughtless rather than malicious.

But I do think it's worth thinking twice before commenting on someone's appearance or choice of outfit.

I find some people are just dramatic when it's warm. I have self harm scars so very rarely have my arms on show and I get the "oh are you not hot, it's very hot" usually by someone with no top on or a lot of skin on show. Making a big show of how hot it is. I don't think they are rude, just dramatic.
If its hot it's hot, doesn't matter how much of your skin is covered.

It has NEVER been polite to make personal comments unless they are appropriate compliments. I am 70 and was taught this as a child. Go die on your hill.

Exactly this.

Why not just keep such thoughts to yourself if the person isn’t expressing any discomfort?

Why assume they must be uncomfortable because you would be?

I find shorts uncomfortable but I wouldn’t go around asking those with shorts on if they’re uncomfortable because I personally would be.

It is rude. Personally I think sun baking down on uncovered skin looks a lot hotter and more unpleasant than being covered up in loose fabrics.

I didn’t say it was polite, but equally I think bring requires intent so in my view it’s nothing but a neutral observation/query/comment. Akin to “I don’t know how you walk around all day in those high heels”.

But you can’t control what others say. Much less you can’t control well-meaning people unintentionally putting their foot in it. So the advice of the PP have about building resilience is the most sound advice on this thread. And I will never advocate for controlling what other people can and can’t, or should and shouldn’t say outside of the observation that it’s not very kind to try to intentionally upset people. But that’s not what we have here.

@DaisyHaites

Everyone has the right to be offended. Everyone has the right to offend. But no one has the right to never be offended.

Ricky Gervais was talking about pushing boundaries in comedy. Not about some stupid tactless bint saying "ooh are you not roasting in that?" when she knows full well why the OP is dressed as she is.

The faux naivety of so many posters here. "It's just polite conversation." The only answers to "aren't you hot?" are "yes", "no, "I'm high risk for skin cancer" or "I'm self conscious about my weight." Brilliant conversational skills there. People with more sensitivity and tact know you don't spout off about other people's clothing or appearances.

It's exactly the same character of people who say "oh wow I could never manage to eat all that!"

To be clear, I’m also saying this as someone wearing a sweater and leggings in 20 degree weather today as I feel in comfortable in the slightest breeze. I’m often asked if I’m too warm, I say “no, I’m more comfortable this way” and move on with my day.

Maybe I’d be more hurt if the comment was followed by nudges and snickers and said in a sarcastic tone. But I choose to dress to be comfortable not for anyone else’s pleasure so I’m pretty sure I’d get past that too.

The faux naivety of so many posters here. "It's just polite conversation." The only answers to "aren't you hot?" are "yes", "no, "I'm high risk for skin cancer" or "I'm self conscious about my weight." Brilliant conversational skills there. People with more sensitivity and tact know you don't spout off about other people's clothing or appearances.

Bloody well said. There's nothing polite about commenting on someone's appearance or outfit unless you're going to say how nice they look.

and that may be fine if you don't have an underlying reason that you want to keep private.

Would you say that people have to build resilience to other personal comments? To me that sounds like victim blaming.