Son has changed his mind about class party - doesn't want to go

[VeryBusyDoingNothing]

Wwyd. Came out with an invitation weeks ago and he said he wanted to. Announced now he doesn't know the child very well and he doesn't want to go. Turns out none of his close friends are going either. Feel rude not going but feel I can't force him?

Depends on the bigger picture IMO.

My 6yo is settled at school and enjoys parties so I would make her go as we had already said yes.

However one of her friends cancelled on the morning of her party a few weeks ago after a change of mind - the wee girl is struggling socially a bit ATM and had to leave a party early recently as she was so upset. There's clearly nothing to be gained from forcing that child to go to a party she will find stressful.

If that’s what he said at the outset, that would be fine, but not a mind change. 6 is the perfect age to be learning manners and responsibilities

OP’s DS is 6 years old. He probably heard the word ‘party’ and thought ‘oh yeah I’d love to go.’ Once he realised that actually, he isn’t particularly close to this boy AND his friends aren’t going, of course he’d most likely change his mind. He’s 6.

My children will never be at their own party by themselves because they have a huge family and family friends that would make it. I wouldn’t be holding my breath for a classmate that’s not even really a ‘mate’ to attend

I would never, ever force myself or my children to go to something we didn’t want to go too just to avoid being ‘rude.’ Why force it if you no longer want to go? My children would be miserable as hell and so would I

I'd let the party giver know you weren't going and tell them you'll give them card and gift on Monday at school.
If he doesn't want to go, don't force him! He may regret his decision when they're talking about it at school, but it's a lesson learnt.
It's a birthday party, not a wedding!
If you were invited to a party, then realised none of your friends would be there - would you want to go? A polite message with an apology is fine - he's only 6!

At 6 you should not have a closed friendship group. He should play beyond his best friends and a party when there are fun things to do will give him an opportunity to do so. It’s good for him and other children socially and developmentally to do so.

I’m less worried about flakiness at age 6 and he doesn’t need to learn some kind of life lesson. I doubt it would make that much difference to the hosts of a whole class party - I’ve had last minute siblings, unwell children on the day, children feeling shy and it’s just path of the course.

If I was the mum hosting the party, it wouldn't bother me. I'd make sure they got their party bag anyway. It happens sometimes.
At 6, he's probably still figuring out if he enjoys parties! It might be something he doesn't actually enjoy.

I'd make him go, but I wouldn't drop and run - I'd stick around and jolly him along.

What was he off with on Friday?
I'd say you have to turn up as you said you would but you'll say he's still tired from being ill and if he wants to leave you will? He'll probably love it once he's there.

I would insist on turning up and giving a present at the very least, then see how it goes.

My 6 year old son is autistic and has major social anxiety so I wouldn't force anything beyond that but I'd expect him to try.

Unless a child is physically or mentally ill, they should not miss any opportunity to socialise in person. It is absolutely critical to the development of young children’s growing brains (google a concept called ‘mentalising’) and personal skills.

I suspect your child is slightly anxious. That’s totally normal (for adults as well as children) and it’s important he goes to the party to avoid reinforcing the idea that your anxiety is stronger than you are.

Reassure him he can leave early and stay local (perhaps parked outside) so if he becomes distressed the host parent can bring fetch you.

The issue is if a few parents think the same thing, and it's good weather let's go out for the day and you end up with a party hardly any kids, zero atmosphere and a ton of.food not eaten.

It's not really fair, once you commit to something you go. Its rude not to go.

He can socialise with all these same children at school. Forcing a child to do something they really don't is not helpful. It isn't a must like brushing their teeth or doing homework. It's a party!

Mine would also be going. When we receive an invite I ask them 'do you want to go. If you don't want to that fine, but if you say yes you can't change your mind'.

I think its an important lesson for them. You give them a choice, but once they make it they need to stand by it.

From the age of 8 or 9 I agree. At 6 I think they are perfectly reasonable to change their mind. They are still learning and figuring out their own way socially. Forcing them into a party will just make more problems further on.

think of it from POV of party kid. He is only young - he can't yet know all the kids in his class well.

unless he is neurodiverse I would encourage this as he will enjoy it once there

The fact he said yes first complicates to me, nothing wrong with immediately saying no

I do not like all class parties nor does my child, so we say no straight away for a child my child has no connection with, they are not going to 30+ kids parties a year

That’s nice for your children that they have a large supportive family.
Many don’t.
Mine don’t have any family who are the same age as them who could replace class mates at a party.
If this happened to my children, if their friends decided they couldn’t be bothered to come, they would be alone at party. It would be very distressing and leave a scar that would be hard to fix.
Worse things happen in the world but teaching kids to have empathy for others and think about he consequences of their choices is important. You are operating under the belief that your child not turning up has no negative consequences. You’re potentially very wrong.
For the sake of an hour or two I think the child should just go be make the best of it.

Just being in the same class as a child does not make them friends, my child received one invitation from a child that my child had no idea who they were so we politely declined

We invite actual friends to parties not random children and don't expect to be invited to anyone else's if my child doesn't know them

To all those saying it won't matter because its a village hall please remember that your child may have been invited meaning that another was not because the party goer kept it to manageable numbers. Its not just an out because you don't believe it wouldn't cost any more. Indeed food and party bags may have been provided.

It's fine not to go if he really doesn't want to but please have the courtesy to let them know ahead of time he won't be making it as they may have an entertainer booked and delay start to wait for you etc.

Personally I suspect if he goes he would have a nice time and perhaps make more friends if his usual closer ones aren't there .

At 6 friendships are fickle, the reason you have whole class parties is so that the children can get to know each other outside of school because the friendship groups change quickly.

I would have just said that we have to go to give the card and present as we had bought it and assume when you actually arrive that he'll want to stay as there will be a bouncy castle etc. Sometimes walking through the door is the hardest part of you don't think you'll know anyone so getting him that far is key I think.

Ah there are times as a parent where I really can’t be arsed taking them to a party/club/whatever and when they say they don’t want to go it would really suit me to let them skip it.

But I don’t. Because it’s a shitty lesson to teach them that it’s ok to flake and let other people down because they’ve changed their mind.

And honestly 99.9% of the time they are glad they went in the end.

His party space has already been paid for if the party is today that's very rude if you don't turn up.

Even neuro diverse children need to learn life lessons.

I'd say he is unwell. You can't make little children do anything. When they're a bit older, it's easier to make them do the right thing. He's just 6.