Page 6 | Son has changed his mind about class party - doesn't want to go

VeryBusyDoingNothing · 2024-05-12T07:55:38+00:00

Wwyd. Came out with an invitation weeks ago and he said he wanted to. Announced now he doesn't know the child very well and he doesn't want to go. Turns out none of his close friends are going either. Feel rude not going but feel I can't force him?

spriots · 12/05/2024 14:50

@SoreAndTired1 it's not about my image as a parent, it's about what's the right thing to do and wanting my children to know that too.

If you don't want to go to a social event you're invited to, of course that's fine. But if you say you're going, you go because your classmate is expecting you and their parents have bought food and drink and party bags.

If it's just a silly class party to you and you don't care about it, just say no from the start.

MrsAvocet · 12/05/2024 14:51

Mixed feelings. My parents used to force me go to parties etc in an attempt to "cure me of my shyness". I used to absolutely hate it and vowed never to subject my own children to anything like this.
However, I never once said I wanted to go. I was always opposed to the idea entirely so it was a bit different. On balance, I think if your DS said he wanted to go and you've RSVP'd, then barring illness or some other genuine reason then he should go. He's old enough to realise that actions have consequences and that he can't do what he wants all the time. He might enjoy himself and if he doesn't then he'll have learned something for next time.

justasking111 · 12/05/2024 14:52

spriots · 12/05/2024 14:50

@SoreAndTired1 it's not about my image as a parent, it's about what's the right thing to do and wanting my children to know that too.

If you don't want to go to a social event you're invited to, of course that's fine. But if you say you're going, you go because your classmate is expecting you and their parents have bought food and drink and party bags.

If it's just a silly class party to you and you don't care about it, just say no from the start.

👏👏👏

justasking111 · 12/05/2024 14:53

MrsAvocet · 12/05/2024 14:51

Mixed feelings. My parents used to force me go to parties etc in an attempt to "cure me of my shyness". I used to absolutely hate it and vowed never to subject my own children to anything like this.
However, I never once said I wanted to go. I was always opposed to the idea entirely so it was a bit different. On balance, I think if your DS said he wanted to go and you've RSVP'd, then barring illness or some other genuine reason then he should go. He's old enough to realise that actions have consequences and that he can't do what he wants all the time. He might enjoy himself and if he doesn't then he'll have learned something for next time.

Agreed.

reservoirdawg · 12/05/2024 14:54

Wheredidallthecowboysgo · 12/05/2024 08:56

If he doesn’t want to go then he doesn’t have to go surely?

Good grief.

FuckTheClubUp · 12/05/2024 14:58

Otherstories2002 · 12/05/2024 14:31

So you would RSVP and bail?

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I’d RSVP, have every intention of attending and if the day came to it and I was feeling really exhausted, a bit crap or just didn’t want to go, I’d let them know. I’m very lucky in that I only make plans with those that I’m close too/care about so they understand if/when I have to cancel.

More often than not, I go. However, my point was, if someone doesn’t want to go to something, why should they be forced too when they’ve changed their mind? Doesn’t make sense imo, especially when it’s a child

SoreAndTired1 · 12/05/2024 14:59

spriots · 12/05/2024 14:50

@SoreAndTired1 it's not about my image as a parent, it's about what's the right thing to do and wanting my children to know that too.

If you don't want to go to a social event you're invited to, of course that's fine. But if you say you're going, you go because your classmate is expecting you and their parents have bought food and drink and party bags.

If it's just a silly class party to you and you don't care about it, just say no from the start.

We're talking about a 6 year old little child here. They shouldn't have that guilt trip laid on them. If they change their mind at the last minute, they should know that they are able to feel that they can.

shepherdsangeldelight · 12/05/2024 14:59

For DS's third birthday party, we had a village hall type affair. There were 10 guests expected, plus my own 2 children, and we obviously expected parents to stay too due to the age of the children.

The day turned out to be unexpectedly gorgeous and 7 of the guests bailed as they decided they couldn't be bothered/wanted to do something else instead. We ended up with 3 guests (2 of whom were siblings) and their parents. We did our best to put a brave face for DS's sake, but the hall was obviously too large for the number of children that turned up and we were left with huge amount of food.

If the child had a good reason for not wanting to go to a party (at 6 - best friends not being there is not a good reason) I would not force them. If it was more they couldn't be bothered I would suggest at least going for a short time and seeing how they felt. I think it's respectful of both the hosts' feeling and your child's feelings.

Actually, this works as a good rule for an adult too.

FuckTheClubUp · 12/05/2024 15:00

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SoreAndTired1 · 12/05/2024 15:00

FuckTheClubUp · 12/05/2024 14:58

I’d RSVP, have every intention of attending and if the day came to it and I was feeling really exhausted, a bit crap or just didn’t want to go, I’d let them know. I’m very lucky in that I only make plans with those that I’m close too/care about so they understand if/when I have to cancel.

More often than not, I go. However, my point was, if someone doesn’t want to go to something, why should they be forced too when they’ve changed their mind? Doesn’t make sense imo, especially when it’s a child

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👏👏👏👏👏👏

CrispieCake · 12/05/2024 15:10

For everyone saying "why?", the reason you go is so you don't disappoint the birthday child.

Parents who flake are the reason some upset children only have one or two friends turn up to their parties.

Don't be that parent. Keep your word and let people know that they can rely on what you say.

Missamyp · 12/05/2024 15:10

You can see the posters that sanction those who don't want to go to work social events.😂

CrispieCake · 12/05/2024 15:11

shepherdsangeldelight · 12/05/2024 14:59

For DS's third birthday party, we had a village hall type affair. There were 10 guests expected, plus my own 2 children, and we obviously expected parents to stay too due to the age of the children.

The day turned out to be unexpectedly gorgeous and 7 of the guests bailed as they decided they couldn't be bothered/wanted to do something else instead. We ended up with 3 guests (2 of whom were siblings) and their parents. We did our best to put a brave face for DS's sake, but the hall was obviously too large for the number of children that turned up and we were left with huge amount of food.

If the child had a good reason for not wanting to go to a party (at 6 - best friends not being there is not a good reason) I would not force them. If it was more they couldn't be bothered I would suggest at least going for a short time and seeing how they felt. I think it's respectful of both the hosts' feeling and your child's feelings.

Actually, this works as a good rule for an adult too.

I'm sorry.

This is why you don't flake. Flaking has consequences.

CrispieCake · 12/05/2024 15:13

Missamyp · 12/05/2024 15:10

You can see the posters that sanction those who don't want to go to work social events.😂

I think it's fine not to go to work events personally, but the time to decide is when you are invited.

Once you have accepted the invitation, your host plans and caters on the basis that you are attending.

CrispieCake · 12/05/2024 15:17

SoreAndTired1 · 12/05/2024 14:59

We're talking about a 6 year old little child here. They shouldn't have that guilt trip laid on them. If they change their mind at the last minute, they should know that they are able to feel that they can.

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Why? Life doesn't work like this. Their decisions have consequences and they need to understand this.

What you should really say to them is "Ok, you don't have to go to John's party. But John and John's parents will probably be disappointed and you might not be invited to any more of John's parties as they'll worry that you might not turn up. And other friends might not invite you to their parties either because if you decide not to go, it's a waste of a space that another child could have taken. The children who get invited places and get to do things are the children who don't let others down. So what do you want to do?"

SoreAndTired1 · 12/05/2024 15:18

shepherdsangeldelight · 12/05/2024 14:59

For DS's third birthday party, we had a village hall type affair. There were 10 guests expected, plus my own 2 children, and we obviously expected parents to stay too due to the age of the children.

The day turned out to be unexpectedly gorgeous and 7 of the guests bailed as they decided they couldn't be bothered/wanted to do something else instead. We ended up with 3 guests (2 of whom were siblings) and their parents. We did our best to put a brave face for DS's sake, but the hall was obviously too large for the number of children that turned up and we were left with huge amount of food.

If the child had a good reason for not wanting to go to a party (at 6 - best friends not being there is not a good reason) I would not force them. If it was more they couldn't be bothered I would suggest at least going for a short time and seeing how they felt. I think it's respectful of both the hosts' feeling and your child's feelings.

Actually, this works as a good rule for an adult too.

Do people even have parties for a 3 year old? I can understand hiring a hall for a 13 or 18th birthday but for a 3 year old? It just seems to me that your expectations were very unreasonable and you wasted a lot of money for a 3 year old when your loungeroom or garden would have done. Chalk it up to your unreasonable expectations. I honestly cannot imagine hiring a hall for a 3 year old's party.

I really think many of the parents here have way unrealistic expectations and aren't being realistic.

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 12/05/2024 15:19

Make him go. He doesn’t get to let someone down at the last minute with no reason.

SoreAndTired1 · 12/05/2024 15:20

Missamyp · 12/05/2024 15:10

You can see the posters that sanction those who don't want to go to work social events.😂

Lol does anyone actually want to go to work social events? 😅

SoreAndTired1 · 12/05/2024 15:21

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 12/05/2024 15:19

Make him go. He doesn’t get to let someone down at the last minute with no reason.

FFS he is a 3 year old little boy!

SoreAndTired1 · 12/05/2024 15:23

CrispieCake · 12/05/2024 15:17

Why? Life doesn't work like this. Their decisions have consequences and they need to understand this.

What you should really say to them is "Ok, you don't have to go to John's party. But John and John's parents will probably be disappointed and you might not be invited to any more of John's parties as they'll worry that you might not turn up. And other friends might not invite you to their parties either because if you decide not to go, it's a waste of a space that another child could have taken. The children who get invited places and get to do things are the children who don't let others down. So what do you want to do?"

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Goodness me! He is a 3 (three) year old little boy! A baby child barely even out of nappies! I think we can leave the 'social responsibility' til years later, at least until he is even in primary school!

Eggplant44 · 12/05/2024 15:27

Cattyisbatty · 12/05/2024 09:01

Depends - if he’s utterly refusing there’s not much you can do except say he’s ill, you can’t physically drag him there. Unless there’s a bully or something he’s not telling you it’s much better form that he goes. It’s def rude to be a last minute blow out, sorry.

Yes, if he's already learned that 'utterly refusing' works with mummy then there's not much you can do

Beamur · 12/05/2024 15:28

CrispieCake · 12/05/2024 15:17

Why? Life doesn't work like this. Their decisions have consequences and they need to understand this.

What you should really say to them is "Ok, you don't have to go to John's party. But John and John's parents will probably be disappointed and you might not be invited to any more of John's parties as they'll worry that you might not turn up. And other friends might not invite you to their parties either because if you decide not to go, it's a waste of a space that another child could have taken. The children who get invited places and get to do things are the children who don't let others down. So what do you want to do?"

Show quote history

Yes, do this. If you want to really mess with your kids heads. Guilt trip away!
Honestly this is ridiculous. Sure, you should follow up with commitments but there are times when you can't or heaven forbid, have changed your mind!
As a host, I really don't mind if people flake a bit. I have friends who I know have form for this, but I invite them anyway and it's great if they come. If they don't - it doesn't ruin my life.

CrispieCake · 12/05/2024 15:33

Beamur · 12/05/2024 15:28

Yes, do this. If you want to really mess with your kids heads. Guilt trip away!
Honestly this is ridiculous. Sure, you should follow up with commitments but there are times when you can't or heaven forbid, have changed your mind!
As a host, I really don't mind if people flake a bit. I have friends who I know have form for this, but I invite them anyway and it's great if they come. If they don't - it doesn't ruin my life.

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It will also "mess with their heads" if they no longer receive party or playdate invites because their parents have gained a reputation for being unreliable.

When did consideration for others become such a difficult thing for children (and some adults) to understand?

CrispieCake · 12/05/2024 15:35

The child is 6 not 3.

MrsAvocet · 12/05/2024 15:42

Missamyp · 12/05/2024 15:10

You can see the posters that sanction those who don't want to go to work social events.😂

No. I never go to work social events. I hate them. But I never say I am going to go either. If for some bizarre reason I ever accepted such an invitation then I would turn up unless I genuinely couldn't. Accepting invitations and then not showing up because you just don't fancy it is rude.