Son has changed his mind about class party - doesn't want to go

[VeryBusyDoingNothing]

Wwyd. Came out with an invitation weeks ago and he said he wanted to. Announced now he doesn't know the child very well and he doesn't want to go. Turns out none of his close friends are going either. Feel rude not going but feel I can't force him?

but bushmillsbabe, if all your daughter’s close friends were there and you don’t feel that these two boys are her close friends then why does it matter. I think it must be much nicer for the birthday kids to have a party with the kids they actually like playing with and I don’t think that other kids should be forced to go, simply because they said yes before. Just to be seat fillers. I think that it is a good lesson to learn that it’s ok to say no, it’s also ok to change your mind. The boys’ not going didn’t effect the birthday girl in anyway as there were so many kids invited. A lot of kids are intimidated by large parties, they shouldn’t be forced to go simply because on an earlier day they were feeling more sociable and said yes. Il

I think it's a real difference in values.

I absolutely want to teach my children that they can say no to invitations.

But I don't want to teach them that it's ok to change your mind because I don't think it is ok to not show up to a social event just because you don't feel like it any more.

But bushmillsbabe probably paid per head for the 2 boys to attend, bought food for them that would now be wasted and likely bought them party bags.

How you think it's okay to tell someone you're attending an event, so they spend a lot of money on you, and then just cancel because you don't feel like going is insane and shows you have no manners.

If you paid for zoo/theme park tickets which are often purchased in advance, and your child says on the day they don't feel like going anymore, do you go "Yeah, that's fine, we'll stay home. Never mind that I spent £100 on these tickets"

I couldn't agree more. I turn down lots of invitations as I am basically pretty antisocial. and I have never made my children accept invitations either. (Well, within reason. I did make them attend their grandparents' Golden Wedding party when they'd probably rather have been doing something else!)
As I have got older I've got more confident at just saying "Thanks but no thanks" and not making excuses about why I "can't" come. But if do I say I am going to go to something then unless there is a genuine reason such as illness then I will go, even if I don't feel like it, which I often don't. If someone has put time, effort and money into planning something and/or they are relying on you and you have made a commitment then you should go unless you have a good reason not to. Plus if you do have to pull out then you give as much notice as you can and a profuse apology. Someone just not showing up, as bushmillsbabe experienced at her DD's party is extremely ill mannered. Not that that's the child's fault of course - a small child is unlikely to understand, but the parents should set a good example.

If you’re talking about adults, or kids older than maybe ten. But at 6? How can they understand that if they say yes one day then three weeks ago they have to go and can’t change their mind. My kid is always overwhelmed by big parties, I think it’s ok to say no. And as for spending money per head I think that’s really on the organiser to expect that at this age. I certainly don’t think anyone is paying for the zoo for the whole class! And if they want to spend a load of money that’s their choice.

How do you they know? By teaching them.

How you can be so dismissive of people spending money, it's clear you're bringing your child up to be equally disrespectful and rude.

If they get overwhelmed, it's simple just say no thank you.

@Vics12345 if your child is always overwhelmed then the obvious solution is to always say no to party invitations, surely?

I have a 7 year old and a 4 year old and even the 4 year old understands the concept that we promised someone we would be somewhere so now we have to go.

It comes up all the time and not just with parties - "we have to go now as we're meeting your friend for a playdate" or "we need to meet granny for lunch now and can't keep her waiting"

I’ve never cancelled after accepting an invitation FYI, so you don’t need to call me or my child rude because of your opinions on that. But I stick to mine. My kid has just turned four. But I can’t imagine ever forcing him to go to social event that he doesn’t want to go to. How awful!

But I can’t imagine ever forcing him to go to social event that he doesn’t want to go to. How awful!
Not ever? Really? So do you think I should have let my children miss their grandparents' big wedding anniversary party because they thought (probably quite rightly to be honest) that it would be boring? Or that we should not have shown up at their uncle's wedding because DS2 threw a wobbler about having to wear shoes that morning?
We don't need to accept every invitation but we all have at least some social obligations. Sometimes other people's wishes and happiness have to take precedence over our own. Nobody can have their own way all the time and even young children need to learn to show consideration for others. Obviously there's not wanting to go and not wanting to go - a small child who becomes really distressed at the prospect of attending an event where they probably won't really be missed is a very different kettle of fish from a teenager kicking off about a big family event or a child deciding they just can't be bothered attending a party for a relatively trivial reason. But I think the onus is always on the parents to encourage and model good manners.

The child that never has to leave its comfort zone will inevitably end up alienated as unable to cope with any inconvenience. People are not doing their children any favours and I actually feel sorry for the little ones.

How short sighted.....

He'll be rude very soon.

You don't care if it costs others feelings or money.

Very poor example indeed.

Say the people who are openly rude to strangers over the internet for having different opinions to their own.

@Vics12345 an opinion that is this

And as for spending money per head I think that’s really on the organiser to expect that at this age. I certainly don’t think anyone is paying for the zoo for the whole class! And if they want to spend a load of money that’s their choice

Yep, rude and entitled!

My opinion

Absolutely this. I get that not every child is comfortable with big parties. And I would never expect a parent to force a child yo come, they know their own child.

However, I do expect people to turn up if they have said yes to the party. I put a reminder out 3 days before the party to say 'any dietary needs please let me know, I'm going shopping for the food tomorrow, thanks'. If they had decided even at this late stage that they couldnt make it for whatever reason, they could have messaged me. But they decided to just not show up. And I saw then in playground today, no apology, no acknowledgement that they hadn't shown up when said they would.
If that had been me and on the day I really couldn't get my child to come, I would have sent a really big apology before the party and brought the card/present on the next school day afterwards. Clearly they didn't feel apologetic, and maybe had no intention of coming at all. Pretty shameful behaviour!

I know my opinion might be unpopular because it challenges the social norms. And I haven’t been very diplomatic, I think I jumped to the defence when someone insulted my four year old kid, as any mother would. But I do think there needs to be a change. Why is it not ok to change your mind? Mental health needs to come before social etiquette. I actually bought a kids book recently called „I can say no“, it teaches kids that’s it’s ok to say no, it’s ok to change their minds and it’s ok to let people down, even if it makes them cry or makes them angry. People have to be more accepting and understanding of each other. People have different moods and highs and lows, I think that’s ok, and I think it’s ok to want to shy away at times, even if you previously accepted an invitation. And I think this is especially true for such young kids, there could be so many reasons they don’t want to go to a party and I think it’s important to understand and accept those, and not to simply force the kid to go because they said they wanted to three weeks earlier. As for the person who keeps bringing up the cost, we are talking about a six year old‘s birthday party. I’m sorry but I think that’s a pathetic argument, a kid should be forced to go and feel uncomfortable because the hostess spent money on their snacks and party bag?

I do agree though that a gracious apology is in order if you do need to cancel last minute.

And again, the absent couple of kids had no impact on the birthday girl, the only person who was upset was the hostess.

I think the reason why a lot of the posts on this are so heated is because I really think there are important values being brought up here.

My view -

It's not ok to accept an invitation and then not go because you feel like it

It's not primarily about the costs to me - though I do think people are a lot more careless of other people's money and that's a bit poor form. I do think that most people would not be "oh well never mind darling" about it if they had paid for a ticket for their child to go somewhere and their child didn't feel like going but when it's someone else's money, they don't care.

It's also not primarily about whether it matters to the birthday child if one person does it. Though the fact is that if everyone takes the same attitude, sometimes the birthday child will end up with very few people which is upsetting to the birthday child. You doing it and banking on everyone else to show up instead is basically you betting on everyone else being a better person than you.

What it's about for me is:

Teaching my children social etiquette. That is important for life - flaky people don't have many friends

Teaching them that promises you make are important - similarly if my kid says to another child "I am coming off the swing in a min so you can have a turn", I then expect them to do that. I wouldn't pressure them into saying it but once they have said it, I won't allow them to carry on because they feel like it

Teaching them that their feelings are important but they aren't more important than everyone else's and sometimes they need to put someone else's feelings first

Sometimes there are genuine mental health issues at play but parents need to be the judge of when that's the case and I don't subscribe to the "do whatever you feel like because not feeling perfectly happy at every moment is negative for your mental health" view

Where do you draw the line with that though? Is there an age at which letting people down becomes unacceptable or a level at which which things are too important to let people down over? Who decides that and how are children who have been brought up to believe that their feelings are paramount meant to understand the transition? Or is it ok to carry this attitude into adulthood?
The whole "people have to be more understanding and accepting of each other" thing sounds like it is rather one way in this model of behaviour. It's ok to let people down even if it makes them sad or angry but they are supposed to be tolerant and understanding of your feelings and behaviour? 🤔
There might be short term benefit to always putting yourself first but I can't help but think that with time if you treat other people as if they and their feelings are inconsequential then they're likely to reciprocate. That's probably not ideal for anyone's mental health.
You didn't answer my question earlier. When my DC were moaning about having to go to their grandparents' "boring" Golden Wedding Anniversary party, should I have allowed them to let down two people who love them very much and really wanted their presence on a once in a lifetime occasion? Do you really think that standard of behaviour is ok?

There might be short term benefit to always putting yourself first but I can't help but think that with time if you treat other people as if they and their feelings are inconsequential then they're likely to reciprocate

100% agree with this

I find it frankly horrifying that there are now kids books about teaching children that other people's feelings don't matter and letting people down is fine

I feel about 80 saying this but is this really where we want to be as a society

I think I had assumed that people who did this were just a bit self centred and maybe hadn't thought about it much but it seems from this thread that some people deliberately choose to teach their children that only their feelings matter

"Strangers" - exactly.

Not people who are meant to be friends, people who have spent money on a party, people who are excitedly waiting for other kids to arrive at their party.

"Strangers" who you will not ever meet, who write on an anonymous forum that you can switch off from anytime.

Can you REALLY not see how daft your comment was @Vics12345 😂

I was annoyed rather than upset. I would have been upset if my daughter had been upset, but she was fine.
It's those children who will ultimately sadly loose out. Especially when they grow up and parties are limited to a specific number by the type of party, or budget. The children of poorly mannered parents won't get invited. I know we definitely won't invite again, and several other parents said the same.

It's not even really the not coming, it's the lack of apology or message. And on the 2 occasions where my child has been sick and unable to attend at short notice, I apologised again to the parents in person hen saw them next, and gave the birthday child their present.

🙄

Let's hope it's your child let down, so they understand that hurt.

Does that "it's ok to let people down" philosophy also consider the natural consequences of doing so?

Surely it’s your kid who chooses who to invite, not you?