Son has changed his mind about class party - doesn't want to go

[VeryBusyDoingNothing]

Wwyd. Came out with an invitation weeks ago and he said he wanted to. Announced now he doesn't know the child very well and he doesn't want to go. Turns out none of his close friends are going either. Feel rude not going but feel I can't force him?

Came here to say the same thing. There seems to be a staggering amount of parents who don’t seem to feel that it’s their job to raise their children to be independent and resilient.

It’s not surprising that more and more young people suffer from “anxiety”.

This all brings to mind a saying that is used regularly on this site:it's an invitation, not a summons.

Yes - so it’s perfectly fine to decline at the time you’re invited. “So sorry - X can’t make it that weekend. Hope Y has a lovely party.” For whatever reason you like. Too far, can’t be arsed, want to do something else. No problem at all. But you don’t accept, allow someone else to go to time, cost and trouble on your behalf, and then flake on the day because you don’t feel like it any more. That’s rude and incredibly inconsiderate. (And I agree with the pp who said that mother won’t forget. As kids get older, they start to do fewer big all class affairs and more “a handful going bowling” or whatever. There’s no way you’d take a chance on inviting someone who’s known to flake at the last minute to something like that where there’s a much bigger expense involved.)

No mention of anxiety what so ever from op just the normal doesn't want to go because friends are not going but you want to insinuate the child has anxiety. Do you have anxiety? Your post is pointless and silly.

@64zooooooolane actually if you read the post I was asking because the likes of @SoreAndTired1 were banging on about the boy may have "anxiety".

I agree it's obvious he just changed his mind and the parent allowed him to just flake out.

Which IMO is very wrong.

I don't actually think anxiety - not that the OP has said anything about that - is a reason to behave like this anyway.

If my child had anxiety or similar issues, I would respond to invitations in this sort of way - "Hi Jimmy's mum, thanks so much for the invitation. Little Sally has some anxiety issues, at the moment she says she would like to come but there is a possibility it's too much for her on the day. Do you mind if we let you know for sure on the day? If that doesn't work for your party, that's fine, just count us as a no. Thanks!"

I'd encourage to go. I was shy as a kid and hated the idea of parties but I always enjoyed it once I was there and brought me out of my shell. Could it be any kind of anxiety about it? If that's the case I think the best thing is just to go. Obviously if he was hysterical over it, I'd let him avoid it.

FFS. The op never mentioned anxiety and even if they had. A lot of children are shy. That doesn’t mean that they have anxiety. They might develop it though if they are allowed to stay within their comfort zone because their “parents” move heaven and earth to keep them content at all times.

In this case it was just a child that had changed their mind. It’s not the end of the world but he will probably have to learn the hard way what it feels like when the same happens to him one day.

I hear you about the others but Its all very dangerous to me because op said nothing of the sort, it's the weird ppl on mumsnet coming in and talking out of their backsides and we must not jump in amd give it weight by asking if it's true is what my point is. As for mum not taking him to the party I do agree it's not ideal and many of us would take our child because you shouldn't say yes and not go however that said if the child really really doesn't want to go then forcing them also isn't as easy as everyone makes out. I don't think op is teaching her child to be flaky, she clearly is concerned that's why she asked the question but ultimately she chose to make her boy happy and that's absolutely OK as well.

I would make him go and explain why.

It's ok, he will learn from the natural consequences.

@64zooooooolane well we will have to agree to disagree because I think keeping your child happy by letting them get there own way is wrong.

Sooner rather than later hopefully, which may make him think twice before he does it again.

Imagine doing that to a child by not turning up at a party that you agreed to, imagine letting your child do that!

Except sometimes (and often, really) adults do have to do things that they find uncomfortable and go to events where they don't know people and don't necessarily enjoy. It's all a part of life and having commitments. It's not healthy to never leave your comfort zone and neglect your promises

@wintersgold totally agree

And, if I invited a child to a birthday party, they accepted but they didn't show up, then I wouldn't invite the child again. Not to punish the child, but to (1) protect my child from the disappointment and (2) avoid wasting £ on a no show

So, OP, by allowing their child to bail out of the party, has probably reduced the no of future invitations

Crikey. This thread has attracted some really nasty comments.
Wishing children to never get invited to a party again because once they 'flaked'. Nice..
No, the OP didn't suggest their child has anxiety but myself and a couple of others shared our actual, real life experience of either being anxious or having a child who was genuinely anxious (nice use of the parentheses to try and belittle this in the thread too) and why in some circumstances, their welfare does actually trump the situation.
It's fair to say that the doom situation of no one turning up to parties isn't that likely if the majority of posters are parents as their kids will be coming.
So, you do you and I will continue doing what I think is best as well.
I have found the absence of any empathy for my DD and kids like her on this thread rather sad but happily not what we've experienced in real life. Where people are rather more nuanced and understanding. Be kind eh? 😉
Hope you all have a lovely day.

This child isn't a brat FFS. They're a 6 year who just needs appropriate guidance from adults to help them learn to consider others. Some of these comments are very harsh.

I agree. I'm definitely in the 'strongly encourage them to think about the birthday child's feelings and go to the party camp', but wishing negative things on the child is just not ok.

The child expressed a preference not to go due to their best friends not going, its ultimately on the parent what to do about that. People may or may not agree with (what seems like) OP's choice not to take him, and may criticise that choice, but thats very different to sending hate to the child. Not acceptable IMHO.

I might have missed it because it is a long thread but I didn't see anyone calling the child a brat.

Some people implying that poor parenting might make the child become a brat/prince/flake yes but that's not quite the same thing

So it's ok for you to do it to other children but the idea of it potentially happening to your child is hideous and hatefilled?

Sorry found the brat comments which aren't ok

But there are some pretty nasty comments the other way too - the contention that making your child do anything they don't feel like is "abusive" for one.

Too many extreme positions but that's MN for you.

Most people would excuse a child they know to be anxious. Most hosts would feel it's not ok to refuse to show up on the day because you would rather do something else. The child who is anxious should have a parent pointing this out to the host. Where no such anxiety exists, and it's simply a child who doesn't understand what being kind means or doing what you have promised to do, that's another matter and it's up to the parent to do the right thing. Not just agree with dc and think it doesn't matter. I think most of us agree on this point. At 6 a child might need guidance on putting others first and parents should do that.

Yes, that is how life works.

To those who let their young children opt out of things they’re committed to, where do you draw the line?

I wrote that mine didn’t want to continue with her swimming lessons after being told off by the teacher. This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened - she once refused to go to nursery because she was embarrassed about being scolded by the nursery manager the day before. Should I have let her quit swimming? What about quitting nursery?

She also had one of the worst tantrums I’ve ever seen on the morning of the Reception nativity play. She didn’t want to go to school and was bawling, “I don’t want all the grown ups looking at me!” I was sympathetic, but took her to school anyway. When the big moment came, a few of the children didn’t feel able to go on stage but DD did and to her surprise, she loved it. The following year, she was one of only a few children in her class to volunteer for a speaking part.

@Cattenberg
Young children don't have the maturity to know what they should do in terms of weighing everything up. It annoys me when a parent asks a very young child what they want for tea. How can they possibly know all the wonderful dishes that can be cooked from the food in the house? They simply don't have the experience or the knowledge so a parent ideally gets dc to try a different dish . The same goes with a 6 year old being asked to weigh up his thoughts against the feelings of others. The parent should guide so a less selfish position is reached. Likewise going to a nursery play. I think 3 isn't 6, but guidance on the best decision is still what a parent should do.

There you go again, trying to be provocative to elicit a response. Obvious and Lame