Son has changed his mind about class party - doesn't want to go

[VeryBusyDoingNothing]

Wwyd. Came out with an invitation weeks ago and he said he wanted to. Announced now he doesn't know the child very well and he doesn't want to go. Turns out none of his close friends are going either. Feel rude not going but feel I can't force him?

Sorry you're having to put up with that poster. They seem to feel the need to attack people. It's is AIBU, unfortunately.

@SoreAndTired1 .

What do you say when you accept party invitations on behalf of yourself/your child?

Do you say "yes, thank you, we'll be there"? Or do you say "thanks for the invite, we might come if we feel like it on the day".

I think it's fine if you say the second one and make it clear that you view attending as optional, depending on your mood. That gives the other person/host the head's up that you don't view the event as that important and so they can invite someone else or flake out themselves.

As I've said!

A maybe is ok,

When I was 8 I was invited to a party that a new girl at our school held. The whole class was invited, but I was the only one from our school who went. It stands out in my mind as a horrible experience. If I'd known I'd be the only one, I wouldn't have gone, nor would my parents have made me.

A quick phonecall to say sorry but they're not well is perfectly acceptable in these situations.

As an adult, if you were going somewhere you knew nobody and it made you uncomfortable, you wouldn't expect to be forced to go, would you?

I wouldn't save or pay for a party place on the basis of a maybe 😂. I'd invite another friend or sibling.

Sometimes helping your child take the apparently more difficult path is supporting them, to develop resilience.

My daughter refused (after months of rehearsals) that she was too scared to go on stage for her youth theatre show and declared she wasn't going. Would it have been best for me to go 'thats OK darling, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do' or for me to listen to her concerns and say 'you made a commitment to your team of actors, if you don't show up they will struggle, and you have worked so hard'. Obviously it was the second, and she was so proud of herself, and absolutely glowing with pride. She told me she was so glad we encouraged her to go on stage, and she would have been so disappointed in herself if she hadn't.

There is a difference between pushing our children into something harmful, and encouraging them to face and overcome fears in a supportive way, knowing we are there to pick them up if they struggle

That poor new girl.... how awful for her.

Well tbf she can force him. He's 6.

It's not about their future popularity tho is it?

It's about doing the right thing. Which in this case is go, because he said he would. Backing out on the day is a shitty thing to do.

This - you're teaching your child manners and resilience by sending them. Part of life is also doing things we don't want to do - we have to go to work whether we can be bothered or not, or study for exams. By teaching a child it's important to live up to a commitment they are learning important things. It doesn't mean they must be forced to go if it would genuinely be traumatic for them (e.g. if they have anxiety or illness) but that I CBA isn't good enough. Success in later life is in part predicated on how good our ability is to keep plugging away at something even if a reward isn't immediate; if as soon as something isn't pleasurable we sack it off then we can't achieve anything significant. OP IMO you should have sent him.

Guessing you didn't make him go as not commenting on your decision

He agreed to go originally till found out his friends weren't going

So wrong to not have made him go tbh

It's a shame you didn't take him I bet he would of enjoyed it when he was there.

Shame you didn't make him go as at that age he probably would have had a great time and made new friends.

Now when it's his birthday I hope other kids do the same to you so you might learn to care more about commitments in the future.

Now when it's his birthday I hope other kids do the same to you so you might learn to care more about commitments in the future.

Wow. The hideous and hate-filled behaviour of some on here makes me glad I am on the side I'm on. Imagine wishing that on a child. What is wrong with some people.

From the age of 8 or 9 I agree. At 6 I think they are perfectly reasonable to change their mind. They are still learning and figuring out their own way socially. Forcing them into a party will just make more problems further on

@inappropriateraspberry and when they don't want to go to school?

To the end of term school church service?

They want to be part of beavers/ rainbows/ cubs/ brownies but then decide they don't want to do the remembrance parade?

You need to guide them a little more at six than just saying go to what you want to, and if you change your mind last minute that's fine!

I would have made my six-year-old go. She would probably have had a great time after the initial nerves.

This morning, I made DD go to her dance class, even though she didn’t feel like it as she had a new toy she wanted to play with. But the lesson had already been paid for. She enjoyed the dance class once she was there.

There was also a time when DD really didn’t want to go to her swimming class as she’d had a (wholly justified) telling-off during the last lesson and was embarrassed. I refused to let her quit over this and she got past it.

One of the few things I let DD miss a lesson for are birthday parties as they’re really important to the birthday child. Last month, she was invited to a house party for a little girl who’s new to the area. It was a shame it clashed with DD’s dance class, but I was really glad I made her go, as there were only four little girls there in the end.

To the end of term school church service?

What if they or their parents are atheist?

@SoreAndTired1

Then they don't go. What's your response to the other examples?

So you didn't show up.

Wow, after all the advice on here that you chose to ignore.

Why post if your mind was made up?

You think you helped your child today? Nope.

Your rudeness will have been noted not only by the mother that paid for your child's place AFTER A POSITIVE RSVP, but also the poor birthday child. That mother tonight, would have noted that group of 6 that decided not to attend. She was thinking how to explain that to her child.

So, congratulations.

You ultimately have done your child no favours. Potentially, no more invites.

They are 6.

They will be teenagers eventually.

I pray this kid is so popular that you will be weeping when they have house parties.

That mother will not forget.

Wow....

Thank goodness not everyone thinks like you. (If he didn't go) the OP listened to her son, she made the right decision. Good on her, and thankfully she listened to many of us.

Edited to say if he didn't go, we don't know what she said to the mother. She may have told her that her son is ill. And the mother wouldn't be the wiser, so how will he not get more invites? For being ill?

This all brings to mind a saying that is used regularly on this site: it's an invitation, not a summons.

Except sometimes (and often, really) adults do have to do things that they find uncomfortable and go to events where they don't know people and don't necessarily enjoy. It's all a part of life and having commitments. It's not healthy to never leave your comfort zone and neglect your promises

OP - it sounds like you made the right choice on the day for your child.
You don't have to justify that choice to anyone.
I take the point that sometimes with children you do have to teach resilience and anxiety isn't helped by never facing the things that you find hard. But that doesn't mean you always follow through on everything - sometimes you do take the 'easier' way. This shows your child that they have agency and the next time, they are more likely to say yes as they have the choice. Maybe your kids are different - that's fine too, but I think there's a few of us on this thread who have children who would have found the 'no-nonsense' approach bruising.
I can't speak for anyone else but my DD isn't a brat, she's incredibly brave and kind and lovely. And I think the way she was parented was right for her. She still finds socialising very hard work but luckily has friends who understand this and don't call her flaky or rude.

God almighty. No wonder the schools are fucked. Parents simply not prepared to go against their children’s wishes ever or make them do something they don’t want to do for no good reason. Children absolutely running the show.

Probably why our current lot of graduates are a fucking nightmare to work with too.

honestly you think you’re doing them a favour pandering to their every whim but you’re really, really not.

I agree 100% with this.

Children are being allowed by weak pathetic parents to run the show. And everyone will suffer long term because of this. Especially teachers who have to explain to the little Princes and Princesses that "no, you have to do this even if you dont want to".

Make a rod for your backs pandering to them if you like, but unfair to make others suffer because of your flaky parenting.

Yes, it’s an invitation not a summons. But if you accept an invitation, you should turn up unless you have a good reason not to. Especially if it’s a child’s birthday party. It’s always upsetting to read about instances where children have had a poor turnout at their parties. It can really hurt. Sometimes, flaky parents will assume that everyone else will turn up. Unfortunately, there are so many flakes around these days that you can’t assume that at all.