Y6 teacher and death of parent

[Readysteadygotoschool]

My dad died today, after very brief illness. I’m a Y6 teacher and it’s test week from Monday.

I just don’t think I can be in school this week. Feel like I’m letting the kids down and the teacher guilt is making me think I should just go in for the four days of tests and front it out then deal with it afterwards.

I haven’t told my headteacher yet but he will probably be pissed off if I don’t go in. I don’t know what to do.

One of the stages of grief is "anxiety and depression" - perhaps you're there? Being worried about not going into work, is a symptom I think, as it's "obvious" you don't have to go in. Obviously not to you, as you're in a bad place iyswim.

Sorry for your loss x

In the past few years I have been taken to hospital twice at zero notice and spent 6 nights the first time and 18 nights the second (for two unrelated conditions, X and Y, and not even Covid).

So in situations like the OP's, where I'm not sure if my reason for not doing something is "good enough" or I worry that might be letting people down, I think "Fuck it, I might have just had another X or Y and then I certainly wouldn't be doing it". I would certainly have no problem adding "Z: someone close to me died unexpectedly" to X and Y.

(I also find this a useful strategy when coping with a plane getting cancelled or really almost anything else that, in the scheme of things, doesn't matter.)

So to the OP: Say fuck it, something bad happened, and you are not skiving off by taking the time that you need. Someone will cover for you, and you can "pay it forward" when someone else needs it.

Im very sorry that a highly significant loss has occured. Do not minimize this.

In a weird way maybe this is a " good " time to have tome away from your job.

You have put in the hard graft and prepared your class as best you can.

Grief Works, Julia Samuel worth a look.

My DC starts SAT's tomorrow and I'd be absolutely horrified to imagine his teacher being in this position.

The GP will know what to do when you speak tomorrow.

Keep well and sorry for your loss.

I'm a parent of a Y6 child and I can say that all the parents and staff at my DS' school would only be thinking of your wellbeing and supporting you at this difficult time. I'm really sorry for your loss, may your dad rest in peace. Please don't worry and take the time for yourself. The kids will be fine but the priority is YOU right now

100% this

Hi @Readysteadygotoschool im so sorry for your loss. Please take time out from your grief. You will already have done all
you can for the students before their SATS by you not being there won’t make a difference to their results as they will have been prepared for it. Don’t worry about the head. He should be compassionate to your situation.

You go back when you are ready and not before (with in reason and terms of employment obviously). If you want to go in because you feel you should be with the children, go in, but the head 1) should not be a head if he can't cope with the idea of bereavement leave 2) should be able to cope with teachers being off whenever - after all if you'd got a bad fever or bad D&V he'd have to cope with you being off for the week. It's tough, on him and your class, but that's life sometimes. If he's that worried, he moves a teacher that's had your class further down the school to be with them for the week and a younger class, not doing SATS get a supply.

Firstly - I am so sorry for your loss.
Next, I am pleased to see the update that you will be contacting your head teacher to let them know that you won't be in.
I thought there was a thing called Bereavement Leave (different to Sick Leave and also different to compassionate leave) but I'm not sure if it's paid or not in the UK.
This is what I came up with when I did a quick search on it:
https://www.acas.org.uk/time-off-for-bereavement

Depending on how close you were to your father, you may find a few days enough before you go back to work or you may need longer to process what has just happened. Give yourself that time and don't try to do more than you feel able to do.

Sending you lots of support to get through these first few days and the coming weeks and months ahead. Sending my condolences too to you and your family.

Sorry for your loss.

You don't say how old your Dad was but it's obviously worse if a parent is younger as with very old parents it's expected and not so much a shock.

Everyone is different.
My DH went into work as normal when his Mum died (although it wasn't a surprise , she was in her 80s and she'd been ill for some time .)

Some people find that maintaining a routine helps, so long as they don't have to be hands-on with the funeral plans immediately. Or, having to support the surviving parent (which I think is more of an issue.)

A few days away is perhaps enough, but look after yourself.

These things affect people differently.
When my Mum died on a Friday ,I was in school on the Monday. People couldn't understand it, but that was my way of coping.
You've got to do what's right and best for you.

There was no shock for me but 2 years on, I'm struggling.

SATs week is actually an easy one to cover. No planning needed, all the hard work has already happened. One of the support staff would likely be just as capable of doing it as you. I know the teacher guilt but honestly this is a human first moment and any reasonable headteacher would keep their (understandable) "oh pants" thoughts to themselves and simply say they are sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss 🌷.

As a parent of children taking SATS next week, I promise you that your children will be ok. Please don’t hesitate to take as much time as you need. Unfortunately, there are no medals and no one will thank you. Please look after yourself and put yourself first.

Much love.

So sorry for your loss - I voted YABU because I feel so sorry you are even hesitating about this - if you feel you can't be in work, you can't be in work, SATs or no SATS. (And I'm SLT). Take the time you need

Anyone can administer a test. It’s probably one of the easier weeks to put in a substitute. Yes, the sub will need to be briefed on special education plans and any behavior issues to watch out for, but it isn’t that plus a week of lesson plans.

Apologies OP I voted yabu in that I don't think you should even consider going in.

When my dad died I didn't think twice about sending my Head an email stating I would be off for a week. It meant a class going without parent's meetings and having to miss GCSE and A-Level classes but school were nothing but supportive.

That was over a year ago and I am not sure that I have completely got over his loss yet, it still hits you hard every so often. Please be kind to yourself.

As a parent I wouldn’t expect you in. But I know there are a lot of headteachers with unrealistic expectations. If you think going to work will be a good distraction and you can cope go with it. But more importantly you need to do what is right for you. I’m sure the teaching assistants/cover staff will manage without you.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. As a year 6 parent, please focus on yourself. You’ve put all the work in to get them to where they are now. You can’t take the tests for them and they’ll do just fine.
be Kind to yourself xx

I think that’s more to do with it wasn’t clear what the voting was (I didn’t vote because I didn’t know what was being asked).

My mother died recently, if I were a y6 teacher I wouldn’t be going in that week, the exams don’t depend on your being there.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
You are perfectly entitled to do what you need to right now. The next few weeks will be busy and hard, and a good employer will understand that. The children will be fine, and the school will too.

Sorry to read of your loss.

If your pupils are like most they will have prepared, practiced ad nauseam. They'll be fine without you. And if they aren't the sun will still come up tomorrow. No careers ruined.

Take time off as you need, see the doctors etc.

When my Dad's final illness and later his death my Head was fine - no notes needed. All sorted. As it was I didn't need more that a few odd days.

When I got the news, mid day, they told me to get off.

If all Heads were like this one of mine. (1 other may have been different.)

Thanks so much for all the well wishes and messages. I've spent the day with my mum and sisters. @Hollysberries , he was 67, so not very old at all.

My Headteacher responded to my text with 'OK'... so fuck him.

I hope I'm not the teacher for any of you with Y6 kids. If I am, thank you for being so kind to me. It helps to know that you wouldn't be judgemental about taking time off.

It really would be an odd thing for anyone to be judgemental about you taking time off for grief like this OP.

And yes, your headteacher sounds awful, put him out your mind.

I have pm'd you 💐