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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Y6 teacher and death of parent

257 replies

Readysteadygotoschool · 12/05/2024 00:33

My dad died today, after very brief illness. I’m a Y6 teacher and it’s test week from Monday.

I just don’t think I can be in school this week. Feel like I’m letting the kids down and the teacher guilt is making me think I should just go in for the four days of tests and front it out then deal with it afterwards.

I haven’t told my headteacher yet but he will probably be pissed off if I don’t go in. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
WorkingItOutAsIGo · 12/05/2024 00:35

You’re a human being, not a robot. Take the time off. I am so sorry for your loss.

MojoMoon · 12/05/2024 00:36

By test week, you mean SATS?

This is not make or break for a child's future. SATS tests are not very important for the kids.

Your head is a horrible person if they are annoyed at you for grieving a parent. Have the time off if you need it.

noblegiraffe · 12/05/2024 00:36

That's awful. Your grief is more important than SATs week. Take the time.

I'm sorry for your loss.

CelesteCunningham · 12/05/2024 00:36

Your dad died - so you don't go to work. Just as you wouldn't if you were in surgery or your child was in hospital.

Sometimes life happens.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Your GP will sign you off if needs be. You shouldn't feel a shred of guilt.

Howbizarre22 · 12/05/2024 00:37

You need to take the compassionate leave and look after yourself.

Hillarious · 12/05/2024 00:40

There are so many other people in a school providing support for the pupils than their individual class teacher. Just take the time you need.

nameohnameohname · 12/05/2024 00:40

I’m a headteacher in a primary school. I absolutely would not expect you in.
Yes, it will make SATs week trickier and throw a spanner in the works, but my job is to manage that. If I were your Head, I’d appreciate a message tomorrow so I have time to make a plan.
The kids will be fine. Look after yourself. I’m sorry for your loss x

Original poster
Readysteadygotoschool · 12/05/2024 00:41

I know the SATS don’t mean anything long term for the children but they are still a significant event in their lives.

I have taken compassionate leave after dad’s diagnosis and am not entitled to more. I will have to sign off sick I think.

OP posts:
Terea · 12/05/2024 00:42

I’m so sorry for your loss, and incredulous that so far 20% think you are unreasonable, I wish you hadn’t enabled voting for that reason.

Your head teacher will absolutely rearrange duties, this is a completely reasonable stance given your situation.

Please look after yourself, and go back to work when you are ready. Your mental wellbeing is paramount. 💐

Nazzywish · 12/05/2024 00:42

Depends on how you deal with grief OP. I agree with others take time off if your not able to function and need it. But some people like to keep busy and don't want added factors to think of i.e. guilt compounding that grief so if you want to go in because that's what feels right to you then do so. But it really is a what's best for you situation. Sorry for your loss

cherish123 · 12/05/2024 00:43

Sorry for your loss.
Don't go to work. You need to grieve. You will still get paid.
I put YABU as you need to take at least 1 week off.

snowlady4 · 12/05/2024 00:43

Of course you don't go to work.
Honestly, do you think you're able for it? Some people are and returning to work quickly helps them cope. But the very fact you're posting this suggests to me you need the time off.
Childrens tests may seem important.. but honestly, in the grand scheme of things, they're not- and you will have done most of the work for it already. You taking a few more days off honestly won't make a difference- no need for guilt here.
Sometimes you need to look after number one. And this is one of those times.

cherish123 · 12/05/2024 00:44

I think I may have voted incorrectly.

Gruffling · 12/05/2024 00:45

Sorry for your loss OP. How would you want the children to behave in 40 years, when they loose a parent and are worried about letting work down?

Take the time to grieve. Be honest with the children about why you had to take time off 'my dad died and I was very sad'. It's a valuable lesson for them that some things are more important than school and work.

snowlady4 · 12/05/2024 00:45

Readysteadygotoschool · 12/05/2024 00:41

I know the SATS don’t mean anything long term for the children but they are still a significant event in their lives.

I have taken compassionate leave after dad’s diagnosis and am not entitled to more. I will have to sign off sick I think.

Yes. This is what you do. Same in most jobs I think.
I was allowed 2 days for death of a parent. But in reality I saw my GP and took 5 months off. Work totally understood this. Normal and necessary.

Greenshiner · 12/05/2024 00:46

cherish123 · 12/05/2024 00:44

I think I may have voted incorrectly.

You can change it.

CustardySergeant · 12/05/2024 00:47

cherish123 · 12/05/2024 00:44

I think I may have voted incorrectly.

You can change your vote. Just click on the option you intended.

2chocolateoranges · 12/05/2024 00:50

As a parent I would be horrified if a teacher came into school days after the death of a parent. Please stay home and look after yourself. You need time to grieve, these children will do their SATS and will be fine.

you need to look after yourself and take time to deal with what’s going on in your private life. Sorry for your loss.

Hedgerow2 · 12/05/2024 00:50

Whether or not SATS are important is irrelevant. The children will do them whether you are in school or not - they'll just be supervised by someone else.

It would probably be better for the children if someone else supervises them as they may pick up on things not being right with you which could be unsettling for them. Please don't worry about this. Focus on yourself and dealing with your grief.

I am so very sorry Flowers

Floralnomad · 12/05/2024 00:55

Sorry for your loss 💐 This is not a time to be concerning yourself about a job or other people’s children it is a time to concentrate on yourself and your family members and any normal person be it a parent or the head teacher should be able to understand that .

ACynicalDad · 12/05/2024 01:00

Human first, teacher second. Take as long as you need. It’s extra work for the head but that’s part of the job they applied for. Their problem, not yours. Yours is you and your family.

frenchfancy81 · 12/05/2024 01:03

nameohnameohname · 12/05/2024 00:40

I’m a headteacher in a primary school. I absolutely would not expect you in.
Yes, it will make SATs week trickier and throw a spanner in the works, but my job is to manage that. If I were your Head, I’d appreciate a message tomorrow so I have time to make a plan.
The kids will be fine. Look after yourself. I’m sorry for your loss x

Not a HT but been a teacher for 18 years and this is the exact response I'd have written!

Maddy70 · 12/05/2024 01:14

Noone ever says on their deathbed they wish they had worked a little harder

Take the time off.

MummyInTheNecropolis · 12/05/2024 01:21

You’ve already put in the hard work and I’m sure done all you can to ensure the children have the best chance of success in the tests. If you do go in there is nothing more you can do for them, they’re either ready and able to pass or they’re not. Take the time off, you need it. The children will be fine and your head will get over it.

I’m a teacher, I went back to work way too soon after my dad’s death. I plodded on for as long as I could and then had a complete breakdown in my mental health and ended up being off sick for 6 months. I should’ve just taken the time I needed in the first place and I’m sure I would’ve coped much better.

Wishing you lots of love and strength Flowers

EveSix · 12/05/2024 01:49

I'm sorry for your loss.
Take the week off.
SLT will manage; 5 minutes of re-jigging minor details and it's done. In a couple of months' time, literally nobody will be thinking about it.

The children will be fine too.
Whereas, if you do not take the time to grieve now, at it's right and proper time, you will definitely suffer for it later.
I'm speaking from experience: just message your HT and give them advanced notification.