Ex having new baby

[HereComesTheYellowTrain]

My ex and I share a 18 month old little girl. We broke up during pregnancy, he was signed up to dating sites days after our break up which was heartbreaking but he made it clear that he didn't want to be with me.

I was a mess during the pregnancy and first few months of our daughters life because of the relationship breakdown and really struggled to bring her up alone, but i got through it. He is a good father, he sees her regularly and pays maintenence, so no complaints on that front.

I've just been told by a friend of mine who works with my exes partner that they are expecting a baby and she is about to go on maternity leave next month. They must have got together when our daughter was a few months old.

I feel totally gutted. Ex and I were together 14 years, I had 5 miscarriages in a row and my daughter was our miracle baby. After we had our 12 week scan, and realised that it looked like this one was progressing, we talked about having more children after she was born, maybe trying again when she was 1. So to hear that he is having a baby when our daughter is one, but not with me, is utterly heartwrenching.

I feel so bloody angry with him. I'm trying to work out my feelings here. I don't know if I have any right to be angry at him or if my own feelings are clouding my judgement here. I've cried pretty much non stop since finding out a couple of days ago.

I texted him about it and he initially ignored it. I texted again last night and he got really angry, saying it was none of my business however he had done nothing wrong, we've been broken up a long time now and that he's entitled to move on with his life. I get that, he is entitled to move on with his life, but this just feels so wrong seeing that our little one isn't much more than a baby herself and he has a new one on the way already.

You have every right to feel how you feel, my ex left me when I was pregnant with DC2 and it was so hard. He now has another family but still sees the DC regularly and provides for them. It feels utterly shit I know but and I know it sounds cliche time really does heal. It will get easier, be kind to yourself, look after yourself and your DD, sending good wishes your way.

I just feel so replaceable. It's literally our timeline, I would've hopefully been pregnant around this time and having our second baby if all had went to plan. But now he's following the timeline, just with someone else.

I’m sorry this is happening and you are hurting. You have every right to feel hurt by this, I do think it’s not helpful to tell him this though. He will be defensive as he has been, get angry and nothing is going to be achieved to alleviate your pain. I’m saying this because clearly he is not the right person for you, he’s proved this by leaving and then starting a new family. All you can hope for is that he will continue to be a good dad to your child. And that one day you will move past feeling any new or continued hurt from him, one day feel like he did you a favour by leaving and allowing you to one day meet your person, meant for you

Thank you. To be honest, I don't want to meet someone else, I feel like I'm happy being single, so it's not about that. It's more about the fact rhat we were together for 14 years, the first 11 or 12 of them very happy, then we went through a really rough patch due to my fertility issues and miscarriages. Fighting all the time, lack of intimacy etc. After all that, he's with some women for a few months and recreates everything that we were meant to have with her.

There isn't any point saying it to him though, you're right. He's very black and white thinking, he could've got someone pregnant the day after we broke up and he'd think he hadn't done anything wrong as we had technically broken up.

You don’t know the circumstances of the pregnancy. Maybe it wasn’t planned.

I can understand why you feel upset though.

For those who have voted that I am being unreasonable, I'm not sure I understand why. Is it reasonable to bring a new baby with a new woman into the world before your first baby is even 2? That's utterly mind-boggling to me.

You're right, I don't know the circumstances, perhaps it was unplanned, they've apparently set up home together though. I just feel like their baby gets this happy family set up which my baby didn't get.

Although logically i understand there is no crime and you don't know the details of their circumstances. Have no rights to dictate or judge another adults life and choices.

BUT I wouldn't be able to help it, i would be really hurt and how i feel about them would be intense and emotionallly driven. There would be a complete contradiction on how i feel i "should" react and feel and my own honest feelings.

I voted YABU because while i understand that this hurts you have broken up so you have no control over each others lives. He has the right to move on including having another child.

I am sorry that this hurts

@HereComesTheYellowTrain , huge empathy , my ex did this within 18 months of us splitting up , our daughter was 3 months old when he met ow ! I met someone else a few years later and we had two more dc . He no longer sees dd1 , but that is his loss .

I'm sorry this happened and that you're hurting, but you have to stop messaging him about this. Don't ever do it again because it's harassment, plain and simple, and he is correct that he doesn't owe you any explanation for how he lives his life. As hard as it was for you, he had every right to end your relationship.

Unless it's about your shared child, leave him alone.

It’s not unreasonable for you to be upset. It’s unreasonable to bring it up with him. It’s not a fixable situation and they may be very happy to be expecting a baby. This is a vent to other people type situation. Not a call you ex and tell him he’s a bastard situation. He’ll just ignore you or worse, start telling people you’re deranged.

Yes exactly this, but as much as once he’s not with you it’s up to him what he does (so long as legal) and while technically he not done wrong, I do feel that it would have been kinder to you to have a talk “bubbles, I need to tell you I’m having a baby with another woman, can I start by saying I understand this may be a shock and hurt, please let me explain… I felt I needed to end our relationship because I couldn’t keep going for xyz reasons, this is not a reflection of anything you did wrong, I hope my new baby coming does not cause you hurt” etc, it maybe that he couldn’t cope with the upsets you had both suffered leading up to your little one being born, but he’s hurt you and that was obvious it was going to happen

It’s not a question of reasonable or not.

many people have 2 babies under 2. By your own admission you’d be pregnant now if he’d have stayed. You don’t know whether it’s an accident and he’s stood by her, or he’s realised how much he loves his daughter and wants a bigger family. It’s hurtful that’s not you, but better now than in two years when you’re left a single mum of two.

if you had met someone shortly after the split and been confident he was a keeper, would you have held off trying to get pregnant? Or if you’d have fallen accidentally would you have terminated because it’s unreasonable to have another baby when your first isn’t even 2?

it’s happened, he’s moved on and while it hurts, you have your miracle baby and it sounds like you do, or at least did, have a decent co-parenting relationship. Focus on that.

I just don't understand how he could've been visiting me and out daughter who was a tiny baby at the time and then going back to this new relationship of his and getting her pregnant not long after. I don't know what I'm angry at, so many things. The life that my daughter and I could've had. A man who was more interested in finding somewhere to put his dick when he should've been helping me raise her, as I did have really bad PND and struggled for the first year. A woman who gets involved with a man who has a baby who is months old.

It’s understandable that you feel hurt seeing him have the second child that you planned together but with someone else, and you don’t get to have that. However yabu to think that even though you’ve split up, he doesn’t have the right to move on and have children in his new relationship. I’m afraid your feelings don’t come into his plans now. I do think you need to try and move on from this.

It’s really not your place to decide if it’s reasonable on unreasonable what your ex does with his life. I voted YABU, I completely understand you are hurt that he is now living with another woman and expecting but as he’s your ex, he is entitled to live his life however he chooses. You say he is a good dad and sees your child regularly so that’s what you need to focus on that yes whilst it’s sad you didn’t work out your daughter has a dad that loves her

I can understand while you'd feel hurt by this but YABU texting him about it. There's no words he could say that would make you feel any better about it or change the situation you're in. He's entitled to move on with his life and enjoy his new baby as he sees fit. No good can come from messaging him about it.

Yanbu to feel however you feel.

yabu to question him about it as it’s none of your business.

feelings and actions aren’t the same so I feel one is reasonable and one isn’t.

Just wanted to add to what I’ve said before, I’m not sure AIBU is actually the right place for this, I didn’t vote as as much as I think no don’t contact and he has the right to move on including a new baby, I couldn’t say op is being unreasonable, it’s a reaction out of hurt, not the right reaction, but not imo unreasonable, but I can’t vote that it’s reasonable to do either

I don't blame you for being upset. Don't text him again though as it's his life and he can do what he wants. You are better off without him anyway.

Because he was visiting his baby and supporting the mother of his baby not visiting you. Unless you going to drip feed that these visits involved more intimacy then you need to change your perception

if you had met someone shortly after the split and been confident he was a keeper, would you have held off trying to get pregnant? Or if you’d have fallen accidentally would you have terminated because it’s unreasonable to have another baby when your first isn’t even 2?

If I were him and I had just had a baby who I didn't live with and saw twice a week for a few hours at a time, as he did, then my efforts would be concentrated on spending all my spare time seeing that baby and building up a relationship witht. Not out trying to get my leg over with women.

I totally understand why you upset and yanbu to feel upset however yabu re him having another child with someone else. You not together and haven't been for some time. Sounds like you understandable very angry with him. Could you write everything you feel down then burn what you've written down. Please don't ever give him what you wrote down. Do you have anyone in real life you could talk too x

We did have sex a couple of times when he was visiting but that was just me being needy and wanting him to come back, he made it clear that it didn't mean anything.