Ex having new baby

[HereComesTheYellowTrain]

My ex and I share a 18 month old little girl. We broke up during pregnancy, he was signed up to dating sites days after our break up which was heartbreaking but he made it clear that he didn't want to be with me.

I was a mess during the pregnancy and first few months of our daughters life because of the relationship breakdown and really struggled to bring her up alone, but i got through it. He is a good father, he sees her regularly and pays maintenence, so no complaints on that front.

I've just been told by a friend of mine who works with my exes partner that they are expecting a baby and she is about to go on maternity leave next month. They must have got together when our daughter was a few months old.

I feel totally gutted. Ex and I were together 14 years, I had 5 miscarriages in a row and my daughter was our miracle baby. After we had our 12 week scan, and realised that it looked like this one was progressing, we talked about having more children after she was born, maybe trying again when she was 1. So to hear that he is having a baby when our daughter is one, but not with me, is utterly heartwrenching.

I feel so bloody angry with him. I'm trying to work out my feelings here. I don't know if I have any right to be angry at him or if my own feelings are clouding my judgement here. I've cried pretty much non stop since finding out a couple of days ago.

I texted him about it and he initially ignored it. I texted again last night and he got really angry, saying it was none of my business however he had done nothing wrong, we've been broken up a long time now and that he's entitled to move on with his life. I get that, he is entitled to move on with his life, but this just feels so wrong seeing that our little one isn't much more than a baby herself and he has a new one on the way already.

You're not unreasonable to feel hurt and upset. But I think it's a mistake to text him about it. He's well within his rights to tell you it's none of your business what he does now, as long as he pays maintenance and continues be a good dad to your daughter. Vent to your friends and family or on here but keep your relationship with him on a cordial and distant basis.

In my experience, toddlers seem to love babies, so hopefully it won’t be as emotionally disruptive to your DD as you seem to think it will be.

Also, there’s a small enough age gap that it will just be the norm for them to have always been in each others lives as siblings and have a good close bond.

It’s not as much of an “upheaval” as it would be if she’d been his only child for 7/8 years, then having to learn to share his affection.

I think that men who leave their partner when she is pregnant with or has literally just given birth to their planned child so that they can get back to fucking other people (using contraception or otherwise) are really gross.

Either things were going south and they were too much of a coward to face that before she got pregnant...

Or they've embarked on something mutually together, planned together, allowing the woman to make nearly ALL of the (often lasting) sacrifices for - only to abandon the commitment of parenting together as soon as the woman can't back out of it.

I honestly think if you've "fallen out of love" with your pregnant / postpartum wife, providing you are safe, you should just fucking be a man and suck it up until your (child)ren can at least walk. I think there is a duty there because of the inequality of the biology involved.

So if it makes you feel better OP, I don't think YABU at all and I think he's a poor example of a man. It's shocking that he's already got someone else pregnant when I think duty and common decency would have him committing himself to being a father and a partner to you for a while longer at least.

He's done you a favour he's a total prick, I'd try to move away as far possible, start a new life and only see him when I absolutely had to. X

You aren't BU to feel how you feel but YABU to text him about it. You don't get a say I'm afraid.

He's an absolute shit but I think it's glaringly obvious why he didn't tell you about the new baby yet.

What a load of bollocks. Yes op has to accept this but she doesn't need to be buying gifts for the new baby 🙄

@bradpittsbathwater , I agree , my ex did this and there was no way I was buying a new baby gift !

I actually voted yanbu. Sadly many happy marriages hit the skids after fertility treatment. It is hard and gruelling.He is a shit I think though to get another woman pregnant so quickly. Men are often more concerned with getting their rocks off with another woman.i don't think it wlii be all happy families there though.the same problem with a new baby crying at night , taking the spotlight off him .He sounds immature. Tbh

Sadly, there are quite a few men who behave like this. Their feelings are quite shallow, and they see women as interchangeable. The most important thing to them is getting their dick wet.

I think the best you can do is try to make peace with this if you can. And if it's just too much try some therapy. He likely wasn't the right guy for you anyway. You had your say to him. You also have your beautiful child.

OP it feels like the relationship had ran its course a long time ago but you wanted a baby so much that you overlooked the signs. The baby was never going to make the situation better.

I agree totally that as a courtesy he should have told you about the new baby but you’ve no “right” to feel that him having the baby is wrong of him. It’s his life now. You mention that you feel it’s “disrespectful” of him to have got his new partner pregnant when he did - I don’t understand your line of thinking there. I suspect your own difficult journey to parenthood is skewing your thinking here and having a baby it’s a much bigger deal to you because of your history than it is to other people who don’t experience similar problems.

The life you’re grieving for never existed. Good luck op, you sound like a great mum.

Its ok and perfectly normal to feel as you do. BUT you aren't together. He is entitled to get on with his life and it really doesnt have anything to do with you

Its natural to feel upset but please dont do the angry desperate texting. Youll regret it

You're life is also gping on without him in it. It also has nothing to do wirh him what you do with your future.

Sounds like hes being a good dad and that's the only obligation he has is to your child