Ex having new baby

[HereComesTheYellowTrain]

My ex and I share a 18 month old little girl. We broke up during pregnancy, he was signed up to dating sites days after our break up which was heartbreaking but he made it clear that he didn't want to be with me.

I was a mess during the pregnancy and first few months of our daughters life because of the relationship breakdown and really struggled to bring her up alone, but i got through it. He is a good father, he sees her regularly and pays maintenence, so no complaints on that front.

I've just been told by a friend of mine who works with my exes partner that they are expecting a baby and she is about to go on maternity leave next month. They must have got together when our daughter was a few months old.

I feel totally gutted. Ex and I were together 14 years, I had 5 miscarriages in a row and my daughter was our miracle baby. After we had our 12 week scan, and realised that it looked like this one was progressing, we talked about having more children after she was born, maybe trying again when she was 1. So to hear that he is having a baby when our daughter is one, but not with me, is utterly heartwrenching.

I feel so bloody angry with him. I'm trying to work out my feelings here. I don't know if I have any right to be angry at him or if my own feelings are clouding my judgement here. I've cried pretty much non stop since finding out a couple of days ago.

I texted him about it and he initially ignored it. I texted again last night and he got really angry, saying it was none of my business however he had done nothing wrong, we've been broken up a long time now and that he's entitled to move on with his life. I get that, he is entitled to move on with his life, but this just feels so wrong seeing that our little one isn't much more than a baby herself and he has a new one on the way already.

I guess writing it down could be a good idea. Yeah I do have a couple of people to talk to in real life, I've not spoken to anyone about it yet bar the friend who told me.

Does he not take yours and his child for weekends? He visits yours to see her? I’m not sure this is healthy for you tbh. It will give you false hopes. It’s obvious you haven’t moved on from him and that you are still very hurt from the breakup aswell as the new news of his new baby.

i second a pp asking if there was any intimacy/sex etc when he comes to see his child. Purely because he should t be there to see you, he should be having his child (unless supervision is needed) for weekends

He doesn't visit mine anymore to see her, he collects her from nursery for overnights and drops her back off from nursery the next day. There was sex when he came to se our daughter a couple of times when she was 3/4 months old but according to him at the time, it meant nothing it was just sex. Nothing since.

Please don’t pity your child having the perfect family setup, if you are doing everything you can to give her a stable home with you, and her dad is a good dad, then she has all the love she needs, and as much as it’s not what you need or want, she is getting a new sibling soon too, if your ex’s new partner turns out to be a nice woman then in time your child may consider they have a bonus parent (stepmum) I know this is not what you want, but it’s what’s happened, and a step parent/bonus mum that loves your child too (if this is what happens) is an amazing thing

The sex after you split has confused you possibly, made you think your hope of getting back together was possible, the new baby has shown you that it isn’t, and if it does turn out to be possible then I would vote he’s a dirt bag who will mess you around, he’s been quick to have another baby since the split, you wouldn’t need him doing the same to the other woman, coming back, confusing your child and you, and the wondering if he’s still sleeping with the other woman

You are separated and he is in a new relationship. You aren’t happy I get that but there is no acceptable timeline.

I'm just so angry. We did break up and get back together a couple of times during pregnancy and every single time that we broke up, he'd be out having sex left right and centre with women off dating sites, sometimes within 24 hours of us breaking up. It felt relentless at the time and I honestly feel like I have some sort of PTSD because of it. This is just another blow when I was getting on fine and getting my life together again.

I can understand why you’re upset, most of us will be. But he is right that he’s got every right to move on. Who knows, his new relationship might not last either. Just focus on yourself and your DD

Well it’s true, it’s none of your business. But if think everyone will understand why you feel like you do. Don’t let this bring you down. Have you thought about meeting someone else? I was in a similar situation to you 15 years ago. I didn’t really get over it till I met someone else. Not saying that’s what you need, but it definitely helped. Not advising you jump into any kind of relationship by the way.. but make sure you’re doing things for you.

Op

I get it - it sucks. But it happened amd nothing will change that. What I do know though is the harder you stare at their life the longer you are going to be stuck in this rut

Look forward as that is the way you are going.

These things happen for a reason and whatever you believe from your side the truth is he just wasn’t the one for you.

Given the circumstances described it would not surprise me in the slightest if he was already seeing this woman hence your marriage falling to pieces

I've not thought about meeting someone else to be honest. My little one isn't even 2 yet, I want to concentrate on her and other things in my life before getting into a relationship.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

YANBU, after going through years of infertility and MC's, being together for 14 years, then having your miracle baby, of course you would expect him to stay with you, to support you during the pregnancy, after the birth and him wanting to be a family. Whatever problems you were having, he should have tried harder to save your relationship.

I think he was leading you on if you were talking about having a second child after the birth of your baby while you were already separated.

In general, I think most men move on quickly, some don't want to be alone. I think now that he's having another baby, you're grieving the family you were meant to have together or talked about but now can't.

Unfortunately, you can't control his actions and you have no choice but to move on for the sake of your baby. He's not the good man you thought he was; otherwise, he wouldn't have left you pregnant with a so much wanted baby. You deserve better.

You poor thing, I totally understand why you feel so let down and betrayed. But this baby is not necessarily going to be a happy ending for him nor this new woman; I'd wager he will do the same thing to her that he has done to you. Please don't contact him again, for your own sake - he is never going to apologise for how he has treated you. Don't regret him as you wouldn't have your daughter without him - but don't pursue him. Block him on social media, etc so you don't look him up and make yourself miserable.

As for his new partner, she's a fool getting involved with a man who has only just had a baby with someone else, but she will I fear learn the hard way. You sound a fantastic parent - he sounds like someone who just can't be on his own, nor cover his dick. You and your daughter are much better off without him.

Take care of yourself. x

Am so sorry this happened to you. I cannot imagine the pain he has caused you. Especially after so many years together. I imagine you are still grieving the relationship and having him as a person to turn to. Which is why you messaged him saying how hurt you was. However you just cannot do that.

He is not someone who cares about your feelings. Else he wouldn't of gone about things the way he did. Offloading your hurt to him will achieve nothing but humiliating yourself to him and her. Along with other people. I expect they will share the information.

Am going to say something which is incredibly hard to do but even if you can achieve it 40% of the time to begin with you are on the road to letting his behaviour stop controlling your feelings.

Stop trying to understand why he did what he did and does what he does now. You will never find the answers or if you did understand them. His behaviour is not for you to analyse. The mental energy that goes into trying to understand why people who we thought loved us do things that cause immense pain is exhausting.

Say to yourself "I don't understand your actions and I won't allow them to consume my thoughts". Or something along those lines. Take a deep breath and go about your day.

Really recommend getting some therapy if that is possible xx

I am sad to say that I think you had a lot of delusional hope that he would do for his daughter what he wouldn’t do for you: return and be a family.

He has (minimally) accepted responsibility for her as a child. But he has deceived you , when he engaged in comfort sex, into thinking he would come back and prioritize his first family.

For you the “problem” part of the 14 year relationship was “solved” when your dd was born. For him, perhaps, the changes in the relationship during the period of infertility, the five miscarriages, the conflict, etc… may have been irreversible. He no longer wanted to be in this family with you. He no longer wanted this longed for child. He didn’t want wife with PND.

That’s harsh of him to do, snd harsh of me to say. And I fault him for having sex with you when he was not intending to (or should have known he would not) come back to you.

But he has moved out, on, away and he no longer shares your timeline. Look to your own life. Treat yourself well. Care for yourself and your little girl. You have this one life to live joyfully. Don’t waste it raging about how he got away or how he lives.

They barely know each other and he's got a history of treating women - and children - shabbily. It's not the happy ever after anyone would want.

If this is the kind of man he is then you should be thanking your lucky stars that you’re not with him anymore. He may well end up treating his new wife/gf the same way so don’t feel too jealous of her.

Trust me it takes time to get over this sort of hurt, different situation from yours, my ex and I were together 8years almost, we split when he told me he didn’t love me anymore, turns out he was screwing a friend of ours, we had an almost 3 year old and I had been wanting to have another baby before the split, he’d said no. They moved in together, got married just over a year later and had a baby together before they got married, for a while after the split I was so hurt, I reacted badly at times because of the hurt, I wanted him back (god knows why, he cheated on me)

a little over a year after we split I got together with a guy i knew for a long time, we were friends as primary school kids, we got pregnant a year ish later and now 11 years on we are getting married and have 4 kids together, you say you aren’t ready for anyone new and that is fine, don’t rush into things and try to be ready for something you aren’t. Allow yourself to hurt over this, but you need to find other things to occupy your mind. If the ex ends up having your daughter for weekends, try and fill that time with something fun, a hobby, time with friends/family etc. I filled my weekends when my ex had our daughter by going shopping, clubbing and seeing friends a lot in the early days, I’m not advocating for getting drunk, although I did it was more about the dancing and having me time while my daughter got to spend time with her dad

But you weren’t together 🤷‍♀️

We weren't together but surely you're sitting holding this tiny little baby that you have created with the person sitting in front of you, and your main thought is getting back on OLD to find a shag? That's not something I can get my head around.

I do think it's weird he didn't tell you that your DD is going to have a half sibling?!

YANBU to be upset

@HereComesTheYellowTrain , I agree with you , years down the line , I can’t comprehend how my ex had an affair, when we had a 3 month old .

Op, I'm going to be very blunt. I appreciate it was a hard time and you're upset, but you have a choice to make. You can sit there and obsess about things you can't change and are none of your business, or you can choose to draw a line under it and move on because having a happy future with your child is more important. It's your choice. No amount of ranting and questioning his decisions is going to change anything.

I've not thought about meeting someone else to be honest. My little one isn't even 2 yet, I want to concentrate on her and other things in my life before getting into a relationship”

I’d feel the same way, would want to concentrate of my child and give her a loving, stable home life.

Have to say though, sorry you’re hurting but from all you’ve written, honestly, you’re well shot of him. He sounds awful.

I know you're right, this news has completely thrown me though. I was doing OK until this. Now my 18 month old is about to have a sibling in the next few weeks. It's a big thing to get my head around.