Ex having new baby

[HereComesTheYellowTrain]

My ex and I share a 18 month old little girl. We broke up during pregnancy, he was signed up to dating sites days after our break up which was heartbreaking but he made it clear that he didn't want to be with me.

I was a mess during the pregnancy and first few months of our daughters life because of the relationship breakdown and really struggled to bring her up alone, but i got through it. He is a good father, he sees her regularly and pays maintenence, so no complaints on that front.

I've just been told by a friend of mine who works with my exes partner that they are expecting a baby and she is about to go on maternity leave next month. They must have got together when our daughter was a few months old.

I feel totally gutted. Ex and I were together 14 years, I had 5 miscarriages in a row and my daughter was our miracle baby. After we had our 12 week scan, and realised that it looked like this one was progressing, we talked about having more children after she was born, maybe trying again when she was 1. So to hear that he is having a baby when our daughter is one, but not with me, is utterly heartwrenching.

I feel so bloody angry with him. I'm trying to work out my feelings here. I don't know if I have any right to be angry at him or if my own feelings are clouding my judgement here. I've cried pretty much non stop since finding out a couple of days ago.

I texted him about it and he initially ignored it. I texted again last night and he got really angry, saying it was none of my business however he had done nothing wrong, we've been broken up a long time now and that he's entitled to move on with his life. I get that, he is entitled to move on with his life, but this just feels so wrong seeing that our little one isn't much more than a baby herself and he has a new one on the way already.

You can have feelings about your daughter having a new half sibling, that is normal.

However I think counselling to work through your feelings would be beneficial. You say he is a good dad but then insinuate that moving on and building his life is a bad thing. It isn't. Unfortunately your relationship ended, he moved on and is building his life, you need to build yours. And by building yours I don't mean a new relationship, but building yourself up so that you aren't so angry and resentful because it's affecting you and not him. You are upset at the rejection and what you imagined for the two of you which is now some other woman, that I do understand. But you need to take steps to move on.

I think you're right. It's more just the speed at which he has done this. Our daughter must've only been around 10 months when he impregnated this woman. It just seems so disrespectful. I always thought a baby between two people was a special thing, not just something you pop out on a whim with people you barely know.

Unfortunately too many people do have children too quickly and then it all goes fits up and they spend the rest of their life tied to their ex, for those of us who didn’t rush, you still spend the rest of your life tied to you ex if they turn out to be a twat

You aren’t over him, work on that.
He isn’t your responsibility and you have no control over him. Contacting him is wrong.
i agree his actions don’t make him seem like a great guy but that’s NOUB now.

That's the thing, i think i am over him. I think he's an awful person for some of the stuff he put me through/how he treated me. He's dishonest, sneaky and sex obsessed. It's the situation that I'm struggling with. It's the fact that he's giving this woman the nice life that we should have lived. Not that I would want that with him now; if he came back tomorrow and wanted to get back together, I'd tell him to jog on without even agonising over it. It's....I don't know. The situation.

Sounds as though you are grieving the life you thought you would have

I get that, so you’re not over ‘it’. Not over how things have turned out.
Once you work through that and accept that life was never to be. Who knows what the future holds for you, but don’t let this man’s behaviour impact you negatively.

A baby is not always a special thing between two people. Unfortunately, for men a baby with a woman they love may be more important than a baby with a woman they don’t love. I think YABU for having these expectations of your ex.

He doesn’t owe you a thing. He doesn’t need to update you on his personal life. He pays child maintenance, thats all he really owes.

I think that's it. I'm grieving the life i thought i would have.

It's like women are just jigsaw pieces for him, pick another one up and pop it in place. He did something similar a few years back. After my 4th miscarriage, we were arguing, not sleeping together etc and i said how about we take a break as I'm struggling and don't know what i want. 5 days later, he'd got with the first woman off match that he'd met and started dating her. I found out after hed been seeing her for around 4 weeks and he was so black and white about it. Seemed so nonchalant and stated that we were over and that he was happy and hoped that one day, I could meet someone too and we could hang out as friends. She broke it off with him when she asked questions about his last relationship. We then decided to make a go of it again and I was back to being "his soulmate" in his words.

He's a rotter and I'm questioning why I didn't see him for what he is way before now. I keep focusing on the nice guy he showed me and wondering if that's the real him. Or if the shitty him is the real him.

I barely even though about him, well only in regards to contact for our little girl, until I found this out. I was doing OK.

Surely he owes me, morally at least, or owes his daughter, to be upfront and honest about anything that might affect her? A new baby in the house, a half sibling, is something that has the potential to cause huge upheaval for her and affect her. Surely any decent parent would want to make sure that his first child is prepared and as adjusted as possible to the arrival of a new baby?

Let it go, nothing u can do about it, he didn’t want to be with u, move on with yr life and u never know u could end up with someone u deserve, but going on about the past it won’t happen.

It does sound as though the real version of him is the not so nice side. I really personally dislike “going on a break” usually one person uses that as an excuse to start screwing other people and feels broken up. While the other sees it as space. It’s not healthy imo unless clear boundaries are discussed before the “break” I’m sorry he did this to you, as I’ve said before I do feel once you were definitely split it should have been courtesy to tell you about the new baby, and not just before they are born, your daughter is at the age where if nobody had told you. She would have been seeing her younger sibling for a while (so long as he maintains seeing her) and then suddenly she would have tried to tell you about her baby sister or brother, for a while it may not have been obvious. Then when her speech improves she will think you know and that’s when you found out. Shitty behaviour on his part to not tell you

This is not about your daughter, this is clearly about you and your feelings. Clearly not over him. Lots of 18 month old children have siblings and it’s no issue. You said he’s a good father so you have no reason to be concerned. Stop pretending you have any right to know for the sake of your daughter. You do not. Get over it.

Like I said, I'm over him, I'm just not over the whole situation and how he treated me during pregnancy and postpartum. It still affects me to this day, so to turn find out about another child after all of our losses...it stings. And I do believe he should have kept me informed about a new sibling of my toddler. What kind of mother doesn't know whether or not her toddler has siblings or not? What about when she comes home when she's more verbal, talking about her brother? Or sister? And I tell her she doesn't have a sibling. How much would that confuse her?

No - he doesn’t owe you anything. As hard as it is - does doesn’t want you, he’s not in love with you and he’s starting a family with someone else. It’s shit. It’s awful. Move on. He doesn’t need to inform you if he doesn’t want to - it’s a courtesy sure - but he’s the kind of guy who thinks it’s ok to shag you knowing you still love him - but not feel anything towards you and use you and your body - and you let him hoping it’ll fix it. Co-parent amicably and find someone else who wants you, loves you, wants a family with you. This guy does not. Good luck. You deserve better.

Clearly I have very different morals than quite a few people on this thread. If I had a new baby, I would let him know, without question, as he is her father and deserves to be kept in the loop about her life. Common courtesy and respect.

I'm genuinely in shock at the number of posters who think thay it's totally fine that the mother of a toddler has no idea whether she has siblings or not. Him having a new partner, I would agree that I had no right to be told about that. When I heard that he had a new partner, it was a bit strange, but none of my business I guess. But my daughter having a sibling? Absolutely my business.

I imagine he was reluctant to tell you based on how you were likely to react, and you’ve validated that with the messages you’ve sent him.

I'm not sure how you can come to that conclusion seeing as you don't know the content of the messages.

Message 1 - I've been told that you've got a baby on the way, a sibling to X, is this true?

Message 2 - so is it true? I think I deserve to know, this is going to have an impact on X and your contact schedule with her, especially when the baby is first born. I always keep you updated with anything that affects X in any way, I think I deserve the same courtesy.

Message 3 (after he had replied, being shitty) OK. I would expect you to have the common courtesy and decency to keep me in the loop about things that may affect X, as I always do with you. Seems we have different ideas of parenting....

Surely he owes me, morally at least, or owes his daughter, to be upfront and honest about anything that might affect her? A new baby in the house, a half sibling, is something that has the potential to cause huge upheaval for her

He owes you decent co-parenting and whatever financial support you've agreed. That's it.
What he owes her...She's 18 months old and she doesn't live with him. A new half sibling at this age is hardly a ripple in the pond of her life. It's a massive deal to you because that's a sibling you thought you'd be having. But to a toddler? Nah, a non-resident parent's baby isn't a big deal. She'll barely noticce.

I'm sorry your partner turned out to be such a git. You deserved better. But please accept that, having split up, his personal life is now none of your buisiness.

He’s not decent is he though OP? He’s a grade A prick.

He has let you and your DD down massively.

I am shocked by the voting on this thread- I don’t think yabu at all. A 14 year relationship and then he pulls this shit? No.

I wonder about the life situations of the “none of your business” brigade that are piling on you. I’d love to know if any of them have experienced what you’re going through. I suspect not.

Agree. You are in the loop now but keep calm and collected. Don’t ask him anything about this situation. I bet it will get to him that you just keep the messages as usual about childcare etc. Keep a lid on it when contacting your ex. He doesn’t have basic respect for you. Just limit your time and effort in thinking about him. Focus on yourself and child. You are a good team.

No, he isn't a decent person at all. He's a self serving shit. Always has been the more I look at it.

I'm shocked as well, I would've thought that it would be common decency of any supposedly loving, caring parent, to keep the other parent in the loop about things which may affect their shared child. I really hope that some of the opinions on this thread aren't indicative of coparenting in general.

I feel for you, I have a similar aged child and also was left in pregnancy, it's absolutely brutal.
All I can say is drop all expectations for him to care about you and your feelings and only think of him as a colleague. It hurts so much not to be planning baby 2 (I'm also very broody now- I think it's admitting to myself that my toddler is now a little boy not a baby!) but him having one makes no difference to you not having one. As much as it hurts that it's not you giving it to your child, it will be nice for them to have a sibling, someone to love forever one day when you're dead and gone your grown up child will have another family member around.
Focus on dating if you want another child. And if you don't, then keep reminding yourself that you don't. Xx

It's going to take effort from every fibre of my being to keep calm and collected tonight. Despite many people on this thread saying that I'm being unreasonable in expecting him to tell me something of such importance in my daughters life, I know I'm not. I'm bloody livid at him.

I've spent the past 18 months getting over everything that he did to me and was getting on fine, working towards an amicable coparenting relationship in the long run. He's just blown that out of the water.

Yes it is reasonable to have another baby as soon as you want one. Not very wise if it's a short relationship, but that's not your problem.