Ex having new baby

[HereComesTheYellowTrain]

My ex and I share a 18 month old little girl. We broke up during pregnancy, he was signed up to dating sites days after our break up which was heartbreaking but he made it clear that he didn't want to be with me.

I was a mess during the pregnancy and first few months of our daughters life because of the relationship breakdown and really struggled to bring her up alone, but i got through it. He is a good father, he sees her regularly and pays maintenence, so no complaints on that front.

I've just been told by a friend of mine who works with my exes partner that they are expecting a baby and she is about to go on maternity leave next month. They must have got together when our daughter was a few months old.

I feel totally gutted. Ex and I were together 14 years, I had 5 miscarriages in a row and my daughter was our miracle baby. After we had our 12 week scan, and realised that it looked like this one was progressing, we talked about having more children after she was born, maybe trying again when she was 1. So to hear that he is having a baby when our daughter is one, but not with me, is utterly heartwrenching.

I feel so bloody angry with him. I'm trying to work out my feelings here. I don't know if I have any right to be angry at him or if my own feelings are clouding my judgement here. I've cried pretty much non stop since finding out a couple of days ago.

I texted him about it and he initially ignored it. I texted again last night and he got really angry, saying it was none of my business however he had done nothing wrong, we've been broken up a long time now and that he's entitled to move on with his life. I get that, he is entitled to move on with his life, but this just feels so wrong seeing that our little one isn't much more than a baby herself and he has a new one on the way already.

Nonsense. It's not embarrassing at all. I have the right to know whether or not my toddler has a sibling. I don't know what kind of mother would be fine with not knowing if her toddler has brothers or sisters. Weird.

Unfortunately you don’t have that right.

Of course we want to know what’s going on in our kids lives, that’s normal, however we still don’t have the right.

Keep texts to child management only. X

You’re right that your child will have a sibling and this is important. Just keep the way you are feeling to yourself and trusted family/friends. Stay away from drama. You know what’s happening. Rage about it to yourself (if that’s how you feel. Not read all the posts) but keep your thoughts and feelings away from your ex. Nothing communicated to him on this matter at all. Cool and collected.

I don’t think that’s true. She might be cautioned that it was unwise, or she was being foolish. But not unreasonable. In addition the situations are not isomorphic. The woman has physical involvement in the pregnancy that a man doesn’t have do a second baby “costs” her More dearly than it costs a man. She is also the custodial parent with full time responsibility for the first infant so she doesn’t have time for the second.

The ex and his girlfriend are on a different timeline. Perhaps she is older snd time is running out. Perhaps he has discovered she is the love of his life, ir he had cancer, or he feared having more fertility problems. A blanket “this is Bu or NBU “ simply can’t be issued.

I'm not sure I entirely agree. She is 18 months old and this will be a huge adjustment for her. I need to know in case this affects her in any way, which I'm sure it will, its a massive upheaval. Any decent person would keep the mother of their toddler in the loop about stuff like this.

Oh I agree he should have told you 100%. He simply doesn’t have to though.

It will effect her though? Financially he will pay less in maintenance physically he is going to have his hands full just how was he expecting to deal with the situation? Stick his fingers in his ears and sing? It's happening and he should have the courtesy to talk about the practicalities of the situation is he going to not be able to take her overnight as often does he have a plan for when she is in labour if it falls on his night?

Messy behaviour icky

And I understand you feeling she has what should be your life my ex moved on and replaced his daughter he stopped seeing her because it was easier on him not to see her she was apparently "difficult" and "attention seeking" (ie a toddler) so he quit seeing her and stuck to his new family

It's fine we were fine without him

If you broke up during pregnancy then that's almost 3 years since your break up. Of course he has the right to move on, although I'm so sorry things haven't ended up as you planned given how long you were together

You could focus on what your ex has done. I don’t think it’s just the short time line on another baby but all the titting around and having sex with you while having no plans to be together which has really messed with your head.
or you could focus on how well you have done to get past PND, bring up your daughter and get through this. You could congratulate yourself on being rid of a guy who doesn’t sound very reliable.
you can’t change or control what he does. Only how you respond to it.

Agreed and the fact is that the ex is being pretty irresponsible fathering a child with someone he has been with for a short period of time. The point of this thread though is that op doesn’t have a right to object to what he does with his life now that they’re no longer together.

It's been less than 2 years, my little one is only 18 months. I was around 4 months pregnant i think when we split. Of course you're right, he does have the right to move on as he see fit. It's just the whole having a baby when ours will only be 19 months old that's shocking.

@Theunamedcat , my ex did the same , his shiny new family were much more important than dd 1 , thankfully she never met his partner and child .

@HereComesTheYellowTrain That really sucks- So sorry this happened to you and your daughter.

When my husband left , he was frantically trying to get pregnant with his new woman ( fertility clinic appointments) - and I too was like “ What the heck?”

However it never took, and that relationship foundered.

He does have a third marriage now with a daughter- it’s hard for the child from first relationship when they are old enough to see the new child has the advantages of a two parent family.

But that’s life.

I do feel empathy for you and your Daughter- As long as your Ex keeps regular contact with your daughter the damage can be reduced.

I think your reply here shows how cruel and selfish this man is. To have sex with you, knowing how needy and vulnerable you were demonstrates his moral compass. It meant nothing, Wow.
That aside, I think you would be feeling less upset if he had told you himself that he and his partner were expecting a baby together, and I do understand why you feel this way, but he didn't.
He didn't because he just doesn't think that way.
He doesn't see you as anyone other than the mother of his child and because of that, he doesn't believe that he owed it to you to tell you about the pregnancy. It is possible that he didn't tell you himself because he may have thought that by telling you himself, you would think he still saw you as somebody other than the mother of his Daughter. I doubt it though, this man is selfish and inconsiderate.
I do understand how you feel. Many years ago, in another life I was in a fairly similar situation with a man I now think is a sociopath.
I found out his partner was pregnant from a friend of a friend of a friend. When the baby was born a "Congratulations on your New Baby" card was sent to my home by somebody who must have presumed I had moved out and his partner had moved in.
I wish you healing thoughts to get over this

This

Honestly OP I don't know how his new girlfriend sleeps at night. How could you trust someone who abandons his long term partner with a new baby and uses her for sex when she's vulnerable?

She can't trust him as far as she can throw him. I would pity her.

Knowing him, he'll have told her a pack of lies.

She may know this, some women don’t care, they also think they will be the exception. He might have told her he left because of xyz that might not be true and then I doubt he said he was still sleeping with his ex

People have the right to live their life
(they didn't choose) the way they want.
It's not a rose garden, I get it. You cannot stop your ex.
😁

Yeah right. The new girlfriend clearly wanted to make her mark, securely snag her man and throw the cuckoo from the nest. Best way? Get pregnant 5 minutes after meeting new boyfriend.

Call me cynical....

Unfortunately, men get to just walk away. It's horrible. He's horrible. You're better off without such a man.

I feel sorry for the new poor woman but he's her problem now.

Focus on you and your wonderful daughter. Remind yourself how well you've done to get through it. He's a worthless piece of shit who doesn't deserve a second thought.

I completely understand why you feel so sad and angry. I also understand why you feel sad for your baby. However you are assuming that the new woman and baby are going to have a better time with him and a happy family life. I imagine that a few months or years down the line he will treat her in a similar way to you and it won’t all be so rosy.

I understand that you’re feeling hurt and betrayed but you need to see him for what he is, rather than who you thought he was.

He’s a selfish man who shags around and treats women like dirt.

Do you honestly think he’ll stay faithful to his latest girlfriend? Not a chance!!

In your shoes, I’d feel eternally grateful that I wasn’t married to him. Definitely dodged a bullet there.

I would also be totally enraged and have a hard time getting past this. I understand the feeling of impotent anger - it's terrible. I think you have to let yourself rage for a while and then slowly try to accept it, because there's nothing else to be done. It will get easier as time goes on. I would also try to get into a headspace where you're open to meeting someone else (you don't actually have to do it, this is just to help you move on mentally).

So basically he's a shitbag, not a good partner nor a responsible father.

I really hope that one day you'll look back and see how much better off you are without him. Whether that's in a lovely new relationship or happily single. And I hope your DD sees right through him.

Try to find a smidge of pity for the other woman - he's a nasty cheat who lets women down and he'll likely do something similar to her.

Honestly, fuck him. No decent man would do what he has done. Having sex with you postpartum was callous - he's just a user. You deserve so much better.

YANBU to be upset, particularly when your journey to motherhood was so difficult. Sometimes life sucks.

YABU to message him and kick off about it. Once the two of you had split up, he could have got someone else pregnant the next day and it still wouldn't be your business.

surely you're sitting holding this tiny little baby that you have created with the person sitting in front of you, and your main thought is getting back on OLD to find a shag?

No, while he is holding his small baby he thinks about his small baby. When he leaves, he can think about whatever he likes, including dating other people than his recent ex.

How long a gap would be acceptable, @HereComesTheYellowTrain ?