Ex having new baby

[HereComesTheYellowTrain]

My ex and I share a 18 month old little girl. We broke up during pregnancy, he was signed up to dating sites days after our break up which was heartbreaking but he made it clear that he didn't want to be with me.

I was a mess during the pregnancy and first few months of our daughters life because of the relationship breakdown and really struggled to bring her up alone, but i got through it. He is a good father, he sees her regularly and pays maintenence, so no complaints on that front.

I've just been told by a friend of mine who works with my exes partner that they are expecting a baby and she is about to go on maternity leave next month. They must have got together when our daughter was a few months old.

I feel totally gutted. Ex and I were together 14 years, I had 5 miscarriages in a row and my daughter was our miracle baby. After we had our 12 week scan, and realised that it looked like this one was progressing, we talked about having more children after she was born, maybe trying again when she was 1. So to hear that he is having a baby when our daughter is one, but not with me, is utterly heartwrenching.

I feel so bloody angry with him. I'm trying to work out my feelings here. I don't know if I have any right to be angry at him or if my own feelings are clouding my judgement here. I've cried pretty much non stop since finding out a couple of days ago.

I texted him about it and he initially ignored it. I texted again last night and he got really angry, saying it was none of my business however he had done nothing wrong, we've been broken up a long time now and that he's entitled to move on with his life. I get that, he is entitled to move on with his life, but this just feels so wrong seeing that our little one isn't much more than a baby herself and he has a new one on the way already.

You have to remind yourself that is proof he’s not your person, not meant for you at all

And by this I mean his purpose in your life ended up being just to father your child, he was not meant for you after, he’s not the person for you forever

He wasn’t visiting you. He was visiting his child. He has made it clear to you that your relationship was over. He has a new family and he does not want a relationship with you. The timing of their pregnancy is none of your business. You say he is a good father but that is where your connection to him begins and ends. He’s your child’s father not your partner.
its time for you to stop thinking about what your EX has and concentrate on your own life

If this was OP having another child with another man when her baby is just 1, I think she would be told she is massively unreasonable.

I entirely understand your upset over this. It is, basically, disgusting - but some people seem to be able to compartmentalise things and move on with no thought for others.

I really hope you have support in real life - because nothing you say or do is going to change what he has done or who he is. You’re going to have to find a way to shift your focus away from this - but I appreciate that is easier said than done.

As for the partner, with his track record she’s very naive if she thinks it’s all going to be great with him.

@drusth , I completely agree with you

People would be calling OP irresponsible if she had another man’s baby when her baby is just 1.

You aren't bu. You wanted a baby, when you were pregnant he then fucked off with someone e else and got her pregnant.

I have been through similar and let me tell you this; this is nothing to do with who you are and everything to do with the spineless prick he is. You are not replacable. Feel sorry for the woman stuck with him and be grateful he isn't in your life anymore.

I’d be devastated if I were you, I completely understand.

But this is not a good man. He left you when you were pregnant with his child after 14 years of being together. He left you to be a single parent and deal with all that shit alone. He might be a good father and pay for your daughter but he’s not the one for you. You deserve better, if anything you should feel sorry for this woman that when she’s at her most vulnerable he could pull the rug right under her feet. Plus he’s a dirty fucking dog who will likely be back on those dating sites, looks like he can’t stay away.

Don’t text him though, you have every right to be angry but kindly you need to leave it alone.

Oh he is, he’s another dad with multiple kids to multiple women in a short space of time, it’s not better or worse than women having kids with multiple dads in a short space of time. People in this day and age really should be finding out who their partners are before having children. And I do not direct this at op at all, she was with him for a lot of years before the child came along, I mean that I personally don’t agree with having kids with someone you barely know

Completely get why you’re so hurt OP, am so sorry. I get what you mean when you say it feels like this woman and her baby now have the set up that you had envisioned for so long. But it’s worth remembering you’ve no idea what’s really going on- they could be all loved up and happy, but equally your ex may have been horrified when he found out she was pregnant, and have moved in with her because he can’t quite face another situation where he has a baby with someone he isn’t with. (This was the situation with a friend of mine’s ex).

If he was off having sex every time you had a break when you were in your relationship, then it probably stands to reason he’ll be doing this again before long- I do not envy this woman one little bit being with someone like him.

You and your baby are better off without him, and I know it hurts like hell now, but I think you’ll look back and be glad it’s her with him, not you. You WILL be happy again, it will get easier.

Or if she dumped her baby daddy while pregnant, got with someone else then had a baby with her new man straight away

So much for equality eh

After 14 years you have every right.. one day you will see it was the best thing he's out of your life. It took a rough patch an 2years for him to run, you don't need a man like that. Hugs.

He got another women pregnant 9 months after you guys split? Yeah I'd be upset. The fact he was total coward and didn't even tell you his partner was pregnant is not decent co parenting.

I'd keep a calm and cool demeanour with him. Buy them a baby present when your dd half sibling is born and rise above it.

Have good cry on private and I found talking therapy helped cope with sense of loss

What on earth did you say to him?! A congratulations would be fine! Oh and a let me know if it affects maintainance or if you need me to cover your contact time with DD when baby is being born.

@Hankunamatata , I couldn’t face buying the baby a present when my ex had his child , it was too much .

I think its hard to judge as we don't know what you texted him. Yeah sure be upset and angry but not to him. He's moved on. Have the ugly feelings. But you need to get over it and be positive for your child's sake.

I agree and the new partner might not want that level of involvement.

OP 💐 You’ve done amazing with your little one.

I know you must be really feeling it at the moment.

Try and separate your ex from the feelings you’re having.

Your ex isn’t some amazing hero - he left his pregnant partner, then picked up another poor fool. Dont envy that scenario.

Reframe this and look at why this has triggered your abandonment issues. That’s where the hurt feelings are - it’s not about that idiot x

But it's just none of your business. I say that kindly. Lots of people have babies less than 2 years apart. It's not so unusual.
I think you are still hurting from this breakup, which I totally understand. You may find some talk therapy helpful to work through your feelings. It all seems desperately unfair and I get that but unfortunately you have no control over him or his life choices and you will have to come to terms with that. Sorry

I do think a bit more notice would have helped as you could have helped your DD. It's going to be (another) big change for them

Because people move on. It’s sad for you, I get that but it’s not unusual at all.

Also OP just be mindful that you will have ‘new partners’ answering on this thread so some of the responses will be harsh.

Be kind to yourself, your only human to have these feelings. Just reframe them and look at to why you were triggered

Be kind to yourself. Let him get on with his partner. Focus on being happy with your child. Don’t let him get to you. He might like the attention so write messages but don’t send them.