Ex having new baby

[HereComesTheYellowTrain]

My ex and I share a 18 month old little girl. We broke up during pregnancy, he was signed up to dating sites days after our break up which was heartbreaking but he made it clear that he didn't want to be with me.

I was a mess during the pregnancy and first few months of our daughters life because of the relationship breakdown and really struggled to bring her up alone, but i got through it. He is a good father, he sees her regularly and pays maintenence, so no complaints on that front.

I've just been told by a friend of mine who works with my exes partner that they are expecting a baby and she is about to go on maternity leave next month. They must have got together when our daughter was a few months old.

I feel totally gutted. Ex and I were together 14 years, I had 5 miscarriages in a row and my daughter was our miracle baby. After we had our 12 week scan, and realised that it looked like this one was progressing, we talked about having more children after she was born, maybe trying again when she was 1. So to hear that he is having a baby when our daughter is one, but not with me, is utterly heartwrenching.

I feel so bloody angry with him. I'm trying to work out my feelings here. I don't know if I have any right to be angry at him or if my own feelings are clouding my judgement here. I've cried pretty much non stop since finding out a couple of days ago.

I texted him about it and he initially ignored it. I texted again last night and he got really angry, saying it was none of my business however he had done nothing wrong, we've been broken up a long time now and that he's entitled to move on with his life. I get that, he is entitled to move on with his life, but this just feels so wrong seeing that our little one isn't much more than a baby herself and he has a new one on the way already.

This is true .

You need another outlet for your feelings - therapy, good friend, journaling. But those who hurt you won't heal you.

What do you expect him to reply? 'you're so right I'm a useless arse I didn't deserve you I wish I was still with you you're too good for me.' Even if he thinks that, he's not going to write it.

OP, we all think he’s awful.
You need to manage your expectations of him. Not for his sake or even for your shared child’s sake. For yours. You’re going to drive yourself crazy trying to understand why his actions have strayed so far from your moral compass. His own moral compass is basically a bit crap, but there’s nothing you can do about it.

I don't know what I'm expecting of him. Accountability of what he did in abandoning me with a baby and recognition that he treated me appalingly. He never will though, so it's pointless

Lucky you didn't fall pregnant when you slept with him post breakup during baby visits!

You should be thrilled, he's one of those blokes who willy nilly gets new girlfriends up the duff and hasn't had the good grace to inform you, your child is going to have a sibling, on that front it is your business. Hes now off your hands completely and you are free to meet a decent chap. Take care.

God can you imagine. 2 visits to the registrars in the space of 6 months or so with two different women 🤣

Op he won't acknowledge what he did leaving you when pregnant was wrong. He'll convince himself and everyone in his life that he did it for the good of the baby, to save them from arguments, blah blah blah.

Please don't convince yourself it's all rosy though. I bet the new woman is shitting herself that he'll leave her too before baby arrives or just after. He might also realize that anything that he wasn't liking about you (perhaps you being stressed or tired or having needs that you rightly expected him to meet) is actually normal in pregnant women and a pregnancy issue not a 'you' issue. It's highly unlikely he'll admit this to you (or to himself tbh).

You need to find the closure you need elsewhere. Counseling helped me.

But honestly, I have been there too and it's brutal. You're a strong woman and a brave mum. Xxxx

They had sex 14 months ago and his new gf is going on maternity leave now so there was most likely an overlap

I get it suits your narrative to reduce his new partner to "a shag" but you have to accept that you are not his partner, you split when you were pregnant, by your own admission you were needy and wanted comfort sex in the hope you could get him back. He is allowed to move on with his life and if that is with a new partner (and they have a child together) then so be it.

You say you don't want a new partner and that is your decision but you do not get to choose for him. Let go of the anger and look after yourself and your baby. Be thankful he does at least want to be part of their life.

But for those reasons I voted YABU and with each post you sound more unreasonable. The only person this anger and venom is hurting is yourself and potentially your baby so try for their sake if nothing else to move on.

It should also not affect your coparenting unless you choose to make ot difficult. You are already presupposing he is going to let your child down when it hasn't happened yet. The more you present as difficult and bitter the more likely he is to withdraw and for this to happen. Carry on in a business like manner as far as he is concerned and don't start being the crazy ex as that would give him an easy out if he is after one.

Thank you. I've really no option just to get on with it. I feel like sending him one brutal fucking message telling him exactly what kind of shitbag he is then leaving it. He deserves a good dose of the truth.

I can't even go for a run to get my anger out, went over my ankle the other day and it's the size of a balloon. I guess I'll just seethe for the rest of the night then tomorrow is a new day. I've already lost nearly 3 days thinking about this since I found out.

Of course I'm going to be angry. After everything he did to me, I spent the first year of my daughters life getting through it and had got to a place where I was doing alright and I had got to a place where he didn't factor in my life really. Then 3 days ago, I find out that he has given my daughter a sibling and not even bothered to have the decency to tell me about something which affects her greatly. I'm angry at him and rightly so.

As others have said you have every right to how you feel. There is a lot there to be angry and upset about. For your own well being though you need to draw a line. Be mad tonight. Write angry messages in your notes. Don't send them just get it out of your system. Journaling was a god send to me in the first 12 months of my break up.

I do know how hard it is my childrens father left me for OW and had bearly anything to do with the children. 9 months later he did have the courtesy to tell me his partner (of six months at the time) was having a baby. I knew it was on the cards to be honest. He wanted a way to solidify his justification of leaving me. IMO.

I've not engaged with him over it. Just told my children they will be amazing big siblings. For a number of reason the only exchanges I have with the children's father is about pick ups and drop offs. Although mine are not as little as yours. I refused to engage in anything beyond the children.

I'm a few years down the line. I pretty much don't care on way or the other. I ensure I remain positive about the baby and how lovely it is they get see them etc. but the hurt from the past remains. Which is very much my problem.

I grew up in a very complicated blended family myself. and it was just the way it was. Nothing I could do about it. I had a lovely stable family at home with my mum. And a large family situation when I visited my dad. I was very lucky to have this balance and I tell my children that too. We have a calm and happy home but they can also get this big chaotic fun family too. Which they enjoy in small doses. And come back to enjoy the peace of home.

Children are very flexible and your baby is still so young she won't really remember or know any different. Continue to be the best mum you can. Make home a safe and happy place and she will continue to flourish.

OP, I’ve read all your posts and it sounds like you are grieving the life you’d planned. While he went out and recreated it with someone new. Anger, jealousy, sadness and whatever else you are feeling are all natural.

And you were owed honesty from him about his new dynamic. His new partner is just weeks away from giving birth and he hadn’t told you. It is unbelievable.

YABU to text him your feelings or anything else. Not for his sake, for yours. Don’t give him that power over you.

Look to your future and try to be composed about co-parenting. But don’t share anything of yourself with him.

He sounds like an absolute shit and will probably be OLD again when his partner is ‘out of action’ after the birth.

One thing I’ve learned over my years is other people very rarely give you the closure you need, very rarely own up to their mistakes, it’s a sad fact of life unfortunately….. and now I feel like I sound old saying that 😭

Very wise words. I do wonder if he’s new partner is aware of all that’s happened, mostly because I know if I was the next partner around I would have told him I thought he should tell op, she shouldn’t have to hear that from another person

There is nothing wrong with being angry and I didn't say there was. Just as others have said don't give him the satisfaction of seeing it. He is unlikely to care and it will wind you up more. @StormingNorman has some good advice. Try to take care of yourself and your child. Don't let him in your head at all.

write that message on paper. And then burn it. Most of the catharsis, none of the consequences of sending it.

Sorry but this is none of your business

Have you ever had a feeling?

I feel like sending him one brutal fucking message telling him exactly what kind of shitbag he is then leaving it. He deserves a good dose of the truth.

Do that and he's won. He won't give a single fuck about your outrage or opinion. Do that, and you may very well impact your child's relationship with their father forever. If you choose to make your relationship with him an acrimonious battlefield from here on out, the only one who will suffer for it and pay the price is your child.

Rise above for the sake of your daughter.

I won't. But I feel like it.

You are not being unreasonable. Don’t grace him with your thoughts. I bet that will annoy him. Write what you want to say but don’t send it. Focus on getting through to next week and the week after and onwards.

You can’t have the family life you hoped for, unfortunately.

My advice is try and be smart rather than emotional. Your daughters well-being is partly at the mercy of your ex and his partner. She will be under their care sometimes, and (ideally) be included in their family. So you should probably be as nice as gracious as possible to them (and about the new baby too).

If you come across as the crazy jealous ex, your daughter might not be treated as well by them.

They don’t actually owe you anything, so stop expecting them to care about your feelings, sorry.

I think it would be a nice thing to do to get a gift from your daughter to her new sibling. I know it may feel like a very bitter pill to swallow, but your ex's partner is going to be/is a big part of your daughters life, and the more you can foster an amicable relationship with her, the better.

You're not being unreasonable to feel any of this. Well done for not sending that shitty message. As others say he won't ever dare acknowledge how poorly he has behaved. But you can't go around behaving thus to people without the wheels coming off at some point. He will get his just deserts, but by that point you truly won't care anymore. He won't matter to you.

You can have the family life you dream of, but not with him. It was never, ever going to be with him and painful as this news is at least it provides closure in some ways. You won't keep hoping he'll change and wasting your life waiting for it to happen. You and your daughter can get on with your future. X